…Especially if you’re unlovable to begin with.
Hello. Is there anyone out there still watching this show with me? Have I Tom Hanks in Castaway‘d myself? Am I stranded on Summer Programming Island, yammering on and trying to survive but really just talking to myself and there’s no one coming to rescue me? Are you guys still here? If you’re still here, knock twice. No, just write “knock, knock” in the comments. That way I’ll know and then I’ll try harder not to write these recaps like they only get read by volleyballs.
Anyway, for those of you still with me, let’s review. Last week on Love in the Wild, a guy named Steele continued to act like a guy named Steele: He sucked at stealing a box from a bunch of snakes, and then he ditched a cocktail waitress named Kym for a hostess named Erica. Chinstrap and Kym got eliminated. I could say more, but just read the recap. It is just as (if not more so) delightful as the one you are about to experience. So buckle up … your heart!
This week: It’s THE DESCENT! As in that movie about a group of hapless sexies who climb into the center of the earth and (spoiler alert) discover albino vampire zombie monsters. Tonight’s challenge is like that, except with us traveling into the true depths of how little we actually care about this game of Musical Sex Chairs, and the contestants are the monsters!
Sexy Status Report: Minnesota Miles still loves his partner, Hawaiian Heather. Just to be a dick, Derek (Deh-ick?) tells Jess that he wanted to pick Samantha at the last CCC. That would have sent the Jenga tower of taut tan bodyparts tumbling down on Mike, so Mike gets protective, basically telling Derek, “You steal my lass, I end your ass.” Derek is surprised that any of the human cogs in this completely stupid dating machine could feel something. Ben can’t even manage to give Brandee birthday breakfast in bed without being an effing dee-bee about it. If I was a producer I’d “lose” Ben’s passport. Jason continues to stalk Baby Jessica (bring her flowers, say she’s cool) even though they live together and she’s contractually obligated to interact with him for the next two days. Baby Jessica HATES when guys are nice to her and give her stuff, it’s her biggest turn-off, so Jason is in the doghouse.
The Challenge: The Australian monkey host screeches something about ladders and maps and more maps. I have no idea, but to my credit, neither do the teams. They have to tie up rope ladders to trees in order to … climb them, to find the other maps?
Exactly what is this accomplishing? Nobody cares! Not me, and not the ladies, who are too busy worrying that their partners want to marry them (Baby Jessica) or might get cuckolded while they watch, helpless to stop it (Samantha). As Aretha says, you will “survive,” ladies! (Maybe not literally.)
Derek and Jess are STILL talking about massages. Seriously, we get it you guys. Minnesota and Hawaii are working well as a team, don’tcha know, because they’re in love and love makes every dream achievable, every star within our grasp.
“So, do you wanna go back to my place after this, or…?” “Shut up and let me CAVE!”
The whole thing with the ladders leads to a darkened cave with a waterfall, where they have to retrieve some cursed voodoo idol and then climb up another rope ladder. Samantha doesn’t like being inside the cave, but Mike “has this calming effect” (is it Xanax?) on her. Despite Derek‘s mind games, after the cave he and Jess are in the lead for their second challenge in a row, and Jess is like, “SEE? I TOLD you how you should feel about me! And that it should be positive!”
Erica and Steele are behind because Steele doesn’t know “what the hell an idol is.” (His father never hugged him.) Further down the trail, his horse can sense that Ben is a demon, and resists his touch. But Jason‘s horse can tell that Jason is something worse — AFRAID — so they’re the slowest. Baby Jessica doesn’t think the horse should “have a mind of its own” (maybe it’s the ONLY one in this trio that has one) and is shocked, after she and Jason jerked it around and verbally abused it for an hour, that the horse seizes the moment when Jason lets go to run across the river without them. YAY, HORSE!
Horse, will you be my new partner? Horse, will you go to the Oasis with me? Just as friends, but maaaybe more.
After they find the horse, Baby Jessica climbs on and immediately dumps Jason. HAHA! Oh man. Cool story for the bros! “How’d you guys break up?” “I lost our horse and then I found our horse and then she got on the horse and then she dumped me.”
THE WINNER: Derek and Jess win again. They’re going back to the Oasis. Steele and Erica get last place, and even though they made out, they realize that tonight they need to slut it up and seduce two other people into picking them, or else they’ll get eliminated. Oh-ho-HOOOkay, I’m finally seeing how this game gets interesting! Once sexy manipulation becomes the means of survival, all bets are off. And probably the bras, too!
Back at the Oasis, Jess calls Derek “the closest thing to a crush here” that she has, which is super-romantic. At dinner, she seasons everything with her OCD, pretty much guaranteeing that Derek will choose Sam since, let’s remember, guys: If you win, she CAN’T SAY NO!
Sexy Status Report: Jason literally cries because no one likes him. Awwwwwww. Baby Jessica laughs at his pain and says “lost in the sauce,” AGAIN. Somebody punch her! Costa Rican monkeys who can read, HELP ME! Punch that tiny one! Derek gives Jess a topless massage while a camera man literally stands over the bed and watches. (“Love in the Wild: Proving 1999-You Wrong, Because 1999-You Thought The MTV Show Undressed Couldn’t Any Get Worse!”)
Over on Sexual Manipulation Mountain, Steele and Erica devise a plan to survive. He’ll set his sights on stealing Baby Jessica’s stroller, while Erica sinks her claws into Ben‘s scaly exoskeleton. Together, they’ll move apart to stay alive, pursue others in the hopes of being reunited in the future. Their dynamic calls to mind an ancient question, most recently posed by Ashton and Natalie, and Justin and Mila: Can sex friends be best friends? To this, they add their own question: And can sex-best friends be sex-best-jungle friends?
High School Flashback: So Heather tells Brandee that Erica and Ben were talking ALONE, so Brandee is all like, “WTF! Ben do you still like me? Check Y or N,” and Ben is all, “OMG idk,” and then Brandee is like, “:( we’re gonna break up, huh” and Ben is like “u r crazy!” but really, he’s just waiting until the big dance to dump Brandee for Erica. Maybe! It’s hard to read people who literally just operate on alcohol and impulse.
JEN-GA! JEN-GA! JEN-GA! (That’s a good thing to yell as these people’s hopes and dreams start tumbling down.)
The Choosing of the Mates: Jess would like to stay with Derek, and Derek lukewarms his way into a stay as well. Brandee asks Ben to stay because she hates herself, and even though he’d like to pick Erica, Ben would rather have the security of his ancient, (week-long) hollow relationship with Brandee. A mutual case of “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.” (“Love.”) Heather and Miles stay together, and so do Mike and Samantha. Baby Jessica asks Steele if he’ll be her new babysitter, and now Steele is in an awkward position (the same one he was in last week) but this time, he chooses to stay with Erica. Jason asks Lips McGee (Theresa), and she also says no. So Jason and Baby Jessica are once again stuck together, this time in the Lonely Hearts Cage. SOMEHOW, this means that Steele and Erica get to stay, and stay together, and Baby Jessica and Jason are eliminated.
😐 8( 🙁 😐 😐 🙂 🙁
It’s OK to be sad, since Baby Jessica and Jason were arguably the two most entertaining people on this show, but look at the bright side: Now we’ll NEVER hear “lost in the sauce” again!
What did you think of tonight’s episode? Are you perplexed by the unspoken thread running throughout the subtext of this show: That NBC designed a dating show that hopes these people would like each other enough to date, and that we would like them enough to watch them like each other enough to date, and then (I would argue, purposefully) cast the entire show with unlikable people? What is UP with that? Or does the jungle just bring out the worst in us all?
Next Week: The couples are forced to pick new partners, and someone goes to the hospital, oh no! I bet I know what happened. “Hello, Costa Rican 911? We’ve got a bad case of broken heart here! Send an ambulance to 7 Jungle Bog, stat!”
(Images courtesy of NBC)