They’re BACK! Our ol’ buddies! The Sitch, DJ Pauly D, JWoww, Snooki and all those other ones (ugh, and Angelina) reunited for more fun and fighting on the Jersey Shore.
Except … not actually on the Jersey Shore. Not even in the Northeast! So now we’re just watching a bunch of New Yorkers in Miami, and the show is still called Jersey Shore?
Welcome to Miami: Read Last Night’s Jersey Shore Best Quotes and Moments
Hi, drunk Ronnie’s head and a water tower! We’ll be seeing one of you this season.
OK, MTV. This show’s internal logic was geographically (not to mention morally and intellectually) tenuous to begin with, and now you’re just testing how far we’re willing to go just to watch these people get drunk, hook up, fight, rinse and repeat. And the answer is: Soooo far!
The season 2 premiere kicks off with the obviously fake conceit crafted by the Jersey Shore producers that the kids want to escape the cold Jersey snow, so they’ve decided (independently, of their own volition, totally not as part of a script) to road trip down to “MIA” (“MIA – that’s Miami.” Thanks, Situation!) to reunite the “family” for another summer of fun. Pauly, Mike, JWoww and Snooki show up at each other’s houses and are like, “Let’s roadtrip together! We totally came up with this idea on our own!” And we go along with it, because sure, why not? Along the way, Pauly and Mike buy fireworks and get their truck stuck in the mud, prompting the first of what is sure to be many philosophical musings by one Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino:
“Who AAA call when AAA get stuck?”
And what if that AAA truck got stuck? And the one after that? Don’t stop there, Sitch. Take it further! “And like … who waxes the chest of the guy who waxes my chest?” It’s not a far leap until Sitch is pondering the meaning of the infinite universe, gazing at his hand, wondering where it ends and the air begins.
Meanwhile, Snooki and JWoww explore the wonders of Savannah, Georgia, which include fried pickles (“Can I just say, this takes pickles to a whole other level!” – Snooki) and this guy, who sacrificed his last morsel of dignity to get judged by Snooki for embarrassing himself. That’s like getting an anger management lecture from Mel Gibson. Low blow, bro.
“Obviously, he, like, f***s his sister for a living.”
Obviously! But is that career choice any less ridiculous than getting paid to get wasted, have sex and fight (all in hot tubs) for a living?
Mike and Pauly get to the house first, but Angelina is close behind. The producers are even lazier with their fake story about her reintroduction, coaching her to say that Mike and Pauly “invited” her to join them in Miami, and she can’t wait to show everyone the non-bitchy side of Angelina (that would be the unconscious side). But then she goes on to say that “They don’t know I’m coming. It’s going to be a very big surprise.” I hate that Angelina is back, because she is the WORST, but at least her return brought this scene into existence: She asks to room with Mike and Pauly, and Mike’s face turns into arguably the funniest part of the whole episode.
Speaking of rooms: Didn’t this show make MTV millions of dollars last year? And they couldn’t spring for bigger rooms for these kids? And decorations that don’t look like my grandma’s guest bedroom? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but on a show where one of the stars’ main three goals is to have sex with as many random strangers (and housemates) as possible … TWIN BEDS. I understand where queen size might be pushing it, MTV, but what about a double? Pauly is a 30-year-old manboy, give him a double!
Welcome to the dormitory from purgatory. Especially now that this is back:
The Kim Kardashian of Being Even More Useless than Kim Kardashian.
The guys don’t want to be “haters,” so they accept Angelina back into the group immediately, especially because her suitcase hasn’t even hit the floor when she offers to sleep with both Pauly and Mike. CLASSY. But the girls are a harder sell, especially JWoww and Snooki, who say nothing to Angelina when they arrive and plan to ice her out until she explodes, so then they’ll have an excuse to beat her up. And while I’d like to spend more time analyzing this brilliant war strategy, OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!
Whooooa. Is it just me, or is the”Situation” smiling at me?
Meanwhile, Snooki and Sammi use sea shells to investigate whether they have brain noises:
“Do you hear anything?” “Nope, do you?” “Nope.”
Proof (later, while talking about Ronnie):
Sammi: “I just feel like, I don’t even know.”
Snooki: “I know how you feel.”
Then, further proving that this house is a piece of garbage, the shelf that JWoww was putting her clothing on falls all the way down, and Ron-Ron juice spills ALL OVER Sammi’s white jean shorts (Noooo!!!!), so Snooki helps out by making like a “friggin pilgrim in the 20s” (!) and washes them in the sink:
Little Nugget on the Prairie
Then she makes a drink that is literally taller than she is, in a cup that you can usually only get from street vendors in Vegas. But Snooki keeps one AT HOME!
Now it’s time to go out for their first night in Miami, and, finally, THINGS START HAPPENING! In the girls’ cab, Sammi complains about how living with Ronnie is weird because she’s still in love with him, and Angelina interrupts and is like, “Oh, I’m sorry? Are you talking about boys because last summer me me me boys love blah blah something garbage,” and JWoww (rightly) calls Angelina a piece of stupid trash and offers her a beat-down, and Sammi and Snooki just scream indiscriminately. LOUD NOISES!
Sidenote: Angelina claims she left last summer because she was in love with a boy? Oh, I’m sorry, but I thought you left because you refused to go to work because you’re a lazy a**hole, and then you refused to talk to your boss and hid in the bathroom because you’re an even a**-holier a**hole?
Meanwhile, the boys are just chillin’.
At the club, Sammi and Ronnie fight about whose life is “tougher,” and look super pissed off in a way previously thought impossible: WHILE HOLDING SMOOTHIES!
F*** this delicious blended boozie juice drink, I hate/love you.
Alas, this full daily serving of Vitamin C cannot cure my heart’s hatred for you.
Then another old friend shows up: Drunk Ronnie, who dances like Marky Mark and the world’s best drag queen had a love child.
You know how ELSE you know Ron’s drunk?
And the fact that he called Sammi “the c word” before jumping out of the cab, seemingly for no other reason than that the tequila told him it was a good idea. (Just like it said the triple kiss with a couple of “landmines” was a classy way to kick off his time in Miami.) But “the c word”: If you don’t think THAT’S going to come up again, well then you must be new to the Jersey Miami Shore.
All GIFs courtesy of the fantastic fans over at OhNoTheyDidnt
(Images courtesy of MTV)