Thanks to my long history of watching him on The Bachelorette, and The Bachelor, and Dancing with the Stars, and the Internet, I am fascinated by, and terrified of, Jake Pavelka. He is like a tiger in the zoo. Nice to look at, not much going on upstairs, and most of the time, he’s tame. (And even then he’s enthralling to watch.) But now and then, when his true nature takes hold, he’ll snap, terrifying and sometimes destroying the lives of those around him. And if I ever saw him in person without a thick plate of glass between us, I’d probably scream and pee myself.
Thus the question of A) whether to watch Famous Food, and B) whether to document everything Jake Pavelka does on Famous Food, is a double-decker no-brainer. Everything his unpredictable brain does and says, or doesn’t do and doesn’t say, is of automatic interest to me. The show premiered last night, so let’s check in with our well-meanin’, no-thinkin’, good-lookin’ “Bachelor 14,” as fellow contestant Vincent Pastore has taken to referring to him. As it turns out, last night Jake managed the impossible: He was the least crazy/offensive member of the cast (holy crap, Danielle Staub! That lady just never quits.) and yet his face made some of the dumbest looks/noises during the hour.
He Did: The Classic Poolside Pavelka. I don’t think that VH1 reused Jake’s introductory footage from his season of The Bachelor, but they may as well have! Here he is striking his classic “come here to me, please” wet ‘n’ wild Bachelor bread ‘n’ butter pose:
He Said: “I’m the classic All-American guy. Respects women. Always looking for love in the wrong places.”
He Did: Take A Nap-chelor. Just to prove his point, Jake then looked for love inside his own eyelids. You’re not going to find any young, impressionable girls in there, Jake!
He Said: “So I walk into Geisha House and I see this really pretty girl sitting there. And two guys who look like they’re probably on the top of the rap chart. And I don’t know who any of them are.” – Jake staying positive about not knowing who Ashlee Dupree and Three 6 Mafia are.
He Did: Set his sights on Ashlee Dupree, Eliot Spitzer’s call girl, as his next victim girlfriend.
He Said: “I usually listen to 80s stuff.” – Said in response to the Three 6 Mafia guys’ question of which rap music he listens to when he’s “getting [bleeped] out his [bleep]-ing brain.”
He Did: Tell the truth to Vincent Pastore while making this face!
Vincent: “Do you sing? I’m sorry. Do you sing? You’re an actor?”
Jake: “I have no talent.”
Vincent: “Who is this guy?”
He Said: “I can envision doing something just real simple like hot wings and chicken fingers.” To which Vincent Pastore said (to himself, and for all of us), “Jake has a right to talk. But it was stupid.”
He Did: Help Out By Opening The Window! Jake’s muscles did what his brain could not, and helped by pushing open the windows of the new restaurant space. This move changed everything, as it inspired Ashleeeee (the “brains” of this operation!) to think of her “high-class picnic” concept.
He Said: “Italian. Soul. Fusion. So would that be a drumstick with a piece of spaghetti wrapped around it? I have no idea what that … I really don’t. I don’t know what that means. Huh.”
He Did: Look As Confused As He Was. After hearing the initial menu concept (“Italian-Soul Fusion,” which, just to be clear, is NOT A THING) Jake looked confused by the group’s super-creative name concept, “Fame.” Even Danielle’s explanation, “…because we’re all famous!” could not assuage his earnest bewilderment.
Thankfully, the name got nixed along with the Italian-Soul fusion idea, so Jake will get another chance to contribute next week, when the ragtag gang of “celebrity” “restaurateurs” take another stab at fleshing out their picnic-theme.
This has been our first installment of “Everything Jake Pavelka Did and Said on Famous Food,” or EJPDASOFF for short. See you next time! (And, just a reminder: You can see it all for yourself when Famous Food airs at 10pm, Sundays, on VH1.)
(Images courtesy of VH1)