Welcome back, voyeurs, to the ultimate summer obsession: Big Brother 13! I’m not ashamed to admit that I get painfully over-involved in this show, following along with what’s going on with the live feeds, watching Big Brother: After Dark for three hours every single night on Showtime 2, and becoming unhealthily attached to/angry at the houseguests.

'Big Brother 13' Premiere: Old Couples and New Twists Enter the House

The twists for Big Brother 13 are fast and furious. Not only do three past pairs return, but everyone will be playing the game as a pair, and the HoH will nominate just one pair, and those two individuals will campaign against each other for votes.

You might think that causes a big problem because then one person won’t be in a pair. That’s right, but in another huge twist, the person who doesn’t get evicted for the first four weeks automatically gets to stay until the Top 10 and won’t have to compete in challenges or be at risk of getting nominated. Now that is just brilliant.

First Impressions

As usual, the eight new HGs get their keys and act crazy, and we get a quick snapshot of all of them.

– Dominic lives at home and is a total mommy’s boy.
– Lawon is flashy and showy and considers himself a fashion icon.
– Shelley is a tough, outdoorsy mom.
– Porsche is a VIP cocktail waitress and, as Shelly points out, has the name of a stripper.
– Adam loves heavy metal, Beverly Hills, 90210, and screaming.
– Keith is a Bible-thumping horndog.
– Cassi is a sexy model who considers herself a tomboy.
– Kalia is a boobalicious sex writer who thinks she’s Carrie Bradshaw.

Once in the house, Julie tells them to team up in pairs. Keith pairs with Porsche because he can’t resist a pretty lady. Cassi and Shelly unite to form a team of tomboyish southern gals. Adam forces Dominic to be his prison bitch … I mean, partner. That leaves Lawon with Kalia, who isn’t happy to have an attention-seeking flamboyant guy as a partner.

Past Pairs Return

Before the past HGs return, the eight newbies make a quick pact to stick together and vote out the returning pairs first. Then it’s time for the three former pairs to re-enter the house.

Brendon and Rachel: It’s Brenchel, bitches! Ugh, I’m only happy that all of the other HGs seem as disgusted as I am with Rachel’s voice, and all I have to say is: Hasa diga eebowai (look it up and thank me later).

Jeff and Jordan: America’s sweethearts are back, and you’ll be happy to know Jordan is dumber than ever, unable to subtract three months from two years.

Evel Dick and Daniele: The Donatos have returned. Evel Dick is still kind of a douche and he claims he and Daniele aren’t on speaking terms and haven’t spoken for three years. The other HGs are correctly suspicious of this claim, though the newly dark-haired Daniele seems very uninterested in being there.

The First HoH Competition

The HGs must hang onto a giant banana while being sprayed with chocolate and whipped cream. It comes down to the Donatos and the two cocktail waitresses, Rachel and Porsche. Of course cocktail waitresses know how to hold a banana. Porsche falls and then the Donatos strike a deal where they’re safe if they fall and let Rachel win.

And just like that, Rachel wins the first Head of Household. Seriously, Big Brother 13 producers, are you trying to make me hate this show? Because the only way to make her more annoying is to let her win a competition.

Sunday night we get the nominations, Wednesday is the first Power of Veto competition, and next Thursday on Big Brother 13 we get our first live eviction. Stay tuned to BuddyTV all season long for up-to-the-minute updates about what’s going on inside the house, and prepare for one heck of a season.

(Image courtesy of CBS)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.