This week on Dallas, all the family squabbling finally takes its toll in a deadly fashion. Poor Bobby could only take so much of the petty bickering before his brain literally just shut down. That’s what happens when your intensity meter is dialed up to a 400 at all times.

Meanwhile the magnificent eyebrows glimpsed briefly last episode make their triumphant return this week. As usual, when the older generation is out in full force, it’s harder to care about what the younger generation is doing. Even having never seen the original Dallas, I was still moved by the relationship between Bobby and J.R. on display.

Also delicious was seeing Sue Ellen smack the crap out of J.R. I would probably watch Dallas even if it was only people slapping or threatening to shoot J.R. It’s not like you could really kill him anyway.

This week was all about the family coming together instead of falling apart. Bobby’s mortality finally made the crazy Ewing clan take stock of what’s important. Just in time too, because the buzzards are circling the family closer than ever before. Between Cliff Barnes, Vincente, Harris and Tommy, the Ewings certainly have their share of villains to deal with outside the family.

As the penultimate episode of this surprisingly enjoyable reboot, this outing really worked to line up all the major players for a big Texas whopper of a finale next week. What made the episode work especially well, however, it was the emotional beats that made this one of the best episodes of this deliciously fun summer show.

It also left us with a lot of questions going into the finale. Who got shot? Will the blood wash out of those little monkeys? Will Bobby make it? We’ll have to wait until the finale next week to find out.

Goodbye, Governor

Poor Sue Ellen is dealing with the fallout of her terrible ability to bribe from last week. Apparently Ann’s sketchy ex-husband Ryland is also bros with the medical examiner, who told him all about the bribe. So Ryland wants to use Sue Ellen’s PAC to launder some of his money. At least he brought some quality booze with him, which Sue Ellen angrily turns down.

After delivering a wonderful slap to J.R., Sue Ellen shares the blackmail situation with Ann over some uneaten muffins. It sounds like she’s out of the race for good now. “I would have made a good governor,” Sue Ellen says sadly. She was running on a platform of honesty and yet she’s blackmailed more people than almost anyone else on this show so far. It sounds like she’s got all the makings of a great politician to me. Don’t give up Sue Ellen!

Rebecca’s Got a Gun

Meanwhile Rebecca is running into her own problems. Tommy is continually showing up in her apartment to threaten her, no matter how many times she changes the locks. I’m starting to think that Tommy is a wizard and can apparate through the door. No matter where Rebecca is, Tommy is sure to be skulking around somewhere nearby.

Tommy wants Rebecca to steal Christopher’s keycard so he can break into his lab and steal his technology. If she doesn’t, he plans to out her entire long con to the Ewing family. This would be a particularly bad time to find out Rebecca was the mastermind behind the whole deal. Christopher is finally starting to come around to his wife again, buying twin stuffed monkeys for the babies and letting her give him free massages.

Of course, the buyer Tommy has lined up is Frank, Cliff Barnes’ man J.R. was getting dirt on in Vegas. So Cliff wants to steal Christopher’s technology for himself. But when Tommy can’t come up with the technology in the day he was given, Frank tells him to forget he even existed. The villains on this show give people such unreasonable timeframes in which to accomplish their crimes.

Tommy flies into a rage after losing the deal and comes after Rebecca, yelling about how the whole con was her idea in the first place. There is a Lifetime ‘woman in trouble’-style fight scene between the two that includes kicking, head-bashing, and ankle grabbing. Finally Rebecca goes for the gun she got out of her safety deposit box, but a struggle ensues. As the episode ends, someone is shot and one of the poor monkeys is sprayed with blood. But who was the victim, Rebecca or Tommy?

Ewing Energies

When John Ross finds out Bobby was willing to drill on Southfork to save his life, he’s touched. Later, Elena’s drilling problem at the Henderson ranch turns out to be a possible solution to the Southfork oil problem. Since some of the Southfork oil is right on the edge of the Henderson property, they can go in on a slant and drill the oil without ever drilling on Southfork. “Hey, what are you doing on my property?” say the poor Hendersons.

The John Ross and Christopher truce from last week lasts all of about two seconds once Christopher hears about the slant drilling idea. Soon enough they’re at each other’s throats and Bobby needs to use his loudest, angriest tone to get them to shut up. But all that rage squinting really takes its toll. When they still won’t quiet down, he nearly dies from a brain aneurysm. That finally got them to stop bickering! Well played, Bobby.

Christopher is still stomping around, throwing hissy fits everywhere. When he sees John Ross, he reminds him that Bobby used to be like a father to him. John Ross really takes it to heart and asks J.R. to sign back over the land rights to Bobby in exchange for the mineral rights. If you guessed that the word “birthright” was about to come into play, congratulations! You’ve watched this show before.

J.R. is like “birthright” this and “it’s in my blood” that and then throws in some jokes about being impervious to bullets. Then J.R. kicks John Ross off the evil team. Outside with his little bags packed, John Ross cries about how he loves his daddy but that he’ll never live up to his expectations. Those eyebrows are a lot to live up to. No matter how much stupid facial hair John Ross grows, it still won’t be good enough to appease those lustrous brows.

In the Southfork kitchen, Christopher comes up with a crazy idea. They’ll start a company called Ewing Energies with John Ross, himself, Bobby, and Elena as partners. What could possibly go wrong with this brilliant idea except everything?! Considering how well the Ewing clan gets along and the fact that the love triangle are now partners in this venture, the show has managed to lay the groundwork for what the Ewings will be fighting over next season.

Brothers Forever

Poor Bobby is so sick of listening to John Ross and Christopher throw useless hissy fits that his brain tries to explode. But Bobby is a tough, manly man who doesn’t need things like modern medicine or hospitals. He decides the best way to deal with his brain aneurysm is to just walk it off.

So he returns to Southfork with a nurse and an emergency-ready ambulance. Also returning to Southfork is J.R., who comes back to town just as sh*t is hitting the fan. Ann is so pissed at J.R. that she threatens to shoot him in the junk if he comes near Bobby. Ann seriously loves her guns. J.R. isn’t really bothered, having been shot and killed numerous times and being none the worse for it.

J.R. is staunch about keeping Southfork as his birthright until Sue Ellen slaps some sense into him. She tells him the reason he was depressed was because he realized that he didn’t have anything left besides his urge for power. After a talk with Bobby about how Bobby will always love J.R., he changes his mind and signs over the land deed. Larry Hagman is always great, but he’s particularly good playing the conflicted emotions between the two brothers.

Of course, all isn’t rosy when it comes to the relationship between Bobby and J.R. That’s no fun. Bobby’s lawyer calls him up and tells him they found Marta’s cloud computer information. As soon as they break in, they’ll have all the evidence they need to get rid of Vincente and possibly tie the fraud back to J.R.

He asks if Bobby is ready to send his brother to jail. The stress causes Bobby to have another brain aneurysm. Will Bobby live? Will he die? Will he wake up in a shower a year from now? We’ll have to tune in for next week’s finale to find out.

What did you think of this week’s episode? Who got shot? Will Bobby go to that great big Southfork in the sky? And has J.R. really changed his ways? Sound off in the comments!

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of TNT)

Morgan Glennon

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV