This week on Dallas, there are several love confessions, double the pregnancy trouble and a murder that is going to put John Ross in some hot water. Farewell Fake Marta! We hardly knew you and your crazy eyes. Honestly, I’m going to miss Marta. Every time Marta showed up on screen, usually skulking around drawing hearts around John Ross’ name, you knew something nuts was about to go down.

Remember last week with the butcher knife in the picture? This week for a second I thought we were going to have a kidnapping situation on our hands. At this point I think getting kidnapped is the only thing that could actually make Elena interesting.

Meanwhile in the plots not involving murder, John Ross desperately tries to gain more time from his investors. With the murder of Marta, John Ross has just learned firsthand how serious JR’s investors are about their business. I think I understand why JR hightailed it out of town. He figured he’d take his magnificent eyebrows to safety and let his son get thrown out a window in case anything went wrong with the oil deal. As a plan, it’s not terrible.

However, it is terrible to me because we only get one short scene of JR this episode. One scene is just not enough JR! I’m so curious about what JR is doing in Vegas when not looking into the background of Cliff’s lackeys. Is he taking in some shows? Did he get drunk and get a tramp stamp? At this point I would rather watch JR play the nickel slots for hours on end than pretend to care about Christopher’s feelings.

This episode was packed with so much drama, deception, and murder it was hard to keep track of what was going on. Despite the lack of JR, the rest of the cast stepped up to the plate with the scheming. The fight for Southfork was sidelined in order to deal with some more personal issues, which is fine considering the Southfork squabble is the backbone of the show. In the meantime, John Ross is going to have bigger fish to fry, like that pesky murder charge.

Double Trouble

Last week we found out through the magical television catch-all symptom of a nosebleed that Rebecca was pregnant with Christopher’s baby. This week Rebecca goes over to Elena’s house to thank her for the trip to the hospital, but immediately pukes in her bathroom. Man, Rebecca is so passive aggressive. Elena, realizing she is on a television show, immediately jumps to the pregnancy conclusion. She asks if Rebecca’s told Christopher about the baby, but he won’t take any of her calls.

Meanwhile Christopher is at the tree of true love carvings and 80s show callbacks to remind himself he’s still in love with Elena. He tells John Ross that he won’t use the Marta sex tape because he’s going to win back Southfork and Elena fair and square. Then he’s off to tell Elena he still has feelings for her. Elena doesn’t want to hear it, however, because she knows Rebecca is pregnant. Christopher’s professions of love finally prompts her to tell him about the pregnancy, which causes him to freak out.

Is there really a less compelling love square on television right now than the one among the younger Dallas generation? Does anyone really care whether Elena ends up with Christopher or John Ross? Thus far I’ve found absolutely zero reason to invest in any of the relationships. While the show is certainly adept at having fun and revels in scheming and backstabbing, it could use a little more work when it comes to establishing relatable interpersonal relationships. Like what do these people even do when they’re not yammering on about their birthrights or glaring at each other? Outside of the outsized drama, I have no real grasp of most of these character’s relationships to each other. They keep talking about the connection between Christopher and Elena, but thus far I’ve seen very little actual evidence of it.

After a fight with Rebecca, Christopher has her paternity tested. I thought to myself “man, that seems early in the pregnancy to be able to do that!” But a quick Google search has validated their choice, since apparently at 9 weeks Rebecca would be able to get a paternity test. It turns out that not only is Christopher the father, but he’s the father of twins. He shows up with Bobby and Ann in tow to the doctor’s appointment and everyone cries and there are many emotions. I can’t wait until they get to tell their kids the story of how they met. Could you imagine that How I Met Your Mother scenario? “And kids, that con woman was your mother!”

The Truth About Ann

While all this is going on, Ann is being super weird. She’s watching children at the playground and looking at that locket all the time. She’s also flipping out on Christopher about the Rebecca situation, seeming to take her side. This is all not lost on Bobby, who is squinting more than usual with distress this episode.

Her ex-husband Ryland threatens to press charges on Bobby for the assault unless he apologizes. Bobby finally does give in and visits Ryland. There he gives the single worst apology I have ever heard in my entire life. When your apology is actually more of a threat, I get the impression you’re not really all that sorry. But really all Ryland wanted to do was stir the pot, so he gives Bobby some documents about Ann and accepts his terrible apology anyway.

Back at Southfork, Bobby tells Ann that he doesn’t need to read the files. He says he knows the important things about Ann anyway. Then he throws the files into the fire. As they burn up, there’s the image of Ann and a baby among the flames. So it seems the secret Ann’s hiding has something to do with a child she had. But what happened to this baby and why does Ann want to keep it a secret?

John Ross Has Terrible Luck

John Ross seriously has the worst luck. Unable to figure out how to get the mineral rights back, he goes to his shady business partners to ask for more time. His shady business partners are certainly doing something right, since he has the coolest house I’ve ever seen. If there was an HGTV program entirely dedicated to the homes of people in organized crime, his home would be the star. He literally has what looks like a water fountain installed on his wall. It’s awesome.

Not so awesome for John Ross is his lack of understanding when it comes to the oil situation. All John Ross wants is to buy a little extra time. But gangster guy tells a charming story about dancing, before telling John Ross that he doesn’t seem like a very good dancer. This guy is amazing. He really comes up with the most charming threats.

In exchange for some more time, John Ross tells them about how Fake Marta skimmed some money off the sale for herself. Gangster guy gets all scary around the eyes and poor Marta’s fate is sealed.

So then John Ross goes on a Dallas nostalgia tour of trying to get money from old cast members. First he hits up Lucy, who is like “nah”. Then he runs back to his mommy, who advises him to borrow some of Elena’s oil for the time being. John Ross doesn’t want to do this because Elena is a boring daffodil that must be protected at all times, lest she become interesting at any point. But Sue Ellen goes to ask/tell Elena to lend John Ross the oil anyway.

While Elena’s out, Marta grabs her phone and makes John Ross believe that she’s kidnapped Elena. “Oh no, will she be ok?!” says no one. John Ross, however, is worried and rushes to rescue Elena. Except of course Marta doesn’t have her.

Instead Marta lured John Ross to her hotel to ask him for help. She’s being followed and she’s scared of what her former business partners might do to her. John Ross isn’t really all that concerned due to all the stalking, clandestine sex tapes, and giant butcher knives. In fact, Marta even has a tape going at that very moment, which will be sure to come back and bite John Ross in the future. They get into a fight and Martha gives John Ross two giant scratches on the neck. I’ve watched enough crime scene dramas to know that it’s bad news if the victim has your DNA under her nails. It’s like John Ross has never watched CSI.

He leaves her room just as two thugs are on their way in. As he exits the hotel, he sees Marta’s body lying dead on top of a car outside. Instead of playing it cool in any fashion, John Ross bugs his eyes out and basically runs around in a circle shouting “I’m guilty”. Then he makes sure to make guilty eye contact with as many witnesses as possible on his exit from the crime scene. Smooth dude. So it’s no surprise when John Ross is picked up for police questioning at the end of the episode, although Elena looks shocked.

What did you think of this week’s episode? What’s Ann’s secret? Will Christopher stay with Rebecca for the twins? Will Marta’s murder get pinned on John Ross? Sound off in the comments!

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

Morgan Glennon

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV