We’re down to our final four couples on Bachelor Pad after we were deprived last week of Lindzi and villainy douche-turned-loverboy Kalon. It’s amazing how unlikable and awful the guy was on The Bachelorette compared with how awesome he was on this show. I guess his lying tendencies were much better suited to a competition for money instead of love. The ironic part is that he didn’t win any money, but he found love! Ahhh the joys of reality television.

This episode promises a sexy pool dangle (my guess is that’s an Ed specialty), a quick elimination (they show us three couples preparing for the second challenge, so it’s pretty easy to figure out who gets kicked off first — Thanks ABC!), a singing competition for people who can’t sing and holy hell, Night Ranger! Talk about a random band to make a reality show appearance. Let’s get to it!

The Final Four: We’re the Smartest

Someone in the show intro says “This is the final four couples. The smartest in the house.” I think that’s a pretty big stretch, especially after the first annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee (and the subject-verb agreement in that quote). Anyway, everyone seems pretty happy to be there, and Chris calls it, “An unbelievable experience that only very lucky and privileged people get to experience.” Funny that Kalon missed out. All alliances are off now, and it’s all about the partnerships.

Rachel thanks everyone for their support and reiterates that she’s not even sure she wants to be there without Michael. Seriously, get over it, girl! You were together for like two weeks and you can see him again in like two more. Give Nick a chance! He’s finally on the show now after more than a month in obscurity.

Hanging by a Thread

Blakely thinks she and Tony have to win the challenge, because she doesn’t trust that lying, scheming scumbag Chris. He only fits in that category because he was turned off by her over-the-top and controlling ways when they were a couple earlier in the season. Blakely just doesn’t handle rejection well, and it works out for her that Tony is a huge pushover who will do whatever she wants. They’re actually pretty perfect for each other.

In this week’s challenge, one member of each couple hangs precariously over the pool, while their partner answers Bachelor Pad trivia. For each wrong answer, it becomes harder for the dangling partner to stay on their perch. Whoever wins gets to send a couple home right away. There are a ton of cutaways of Nick talking about how he’s worked so hard and wants the money and is doing it for his son and blah, blah, blah, which is very foreboding of how this competition will turn out.

Blakely gets the most questions wrong, leaving poor Tony dangling from the suspended bar. He can only hold on for so long, and soon after, Rachel joins him in the pool. Ed is dangling next, while Chris still has three of his four ropes intact. It’s only a matter of time, and Chris and Sarah win their second consecutive challenge to not only stay alive, but also give themselves the power to send another couple home.

It may have taken him a few extra weeks, but Chris finally has a chance to rid himself of Blakely! Sarah lists the pros and cons of keeping each, but none of them matter to Chris. Blakely breaks down and says she is literally freaking out, crying uncontrollably while complaining she doesn’t want the decision to kick her off to be purely based on emotion. Ha.

Chris gives a speech about how everybody wanted him out and basically bashes everyone in the house except for Tony, who he gives props to, before eliminating him and Blakely. I think I may be the only dude watching this show who doesn’t dislike Chris. I also may be the only dude watching this show.

They forego the double limos so that Tony can console a crushed Blakely, and I just wonder about the poor driver who has to drive off alone, only a camera crew in the back to keep him company. Tony is going home to love his son, who apparently now has a new mom to yell at him all the time. And wax him if he gets too hairy.

Cover Your Ears, Folks!

The three remaining couples, anxious for a relaxing break, instead find out that their next challenge starts immediately. They head to Hollywood in a limo for a private performance by sorta hairband rock legends Night Ranger, singing the classic hit “Sister Christian.” They all love the song, but no one is sure at first if it’s a cover band or actually Night Ranger, which is pretty hilarious.

For their challenge, the three couples will sing “Sister Christian” in front of a live audience and be judged by the members of Night Ranger themselves. My, how the 80s hair bands have fallen. They used to perform in front of throngs of screaming and adoring fans, with drug- and alcohol-fueled after parties. Now, they’re on Bachelor Pad with an audience made up of mostly young people who have never heard of them.

Each couple gets a vocal coach, but really, there’s little anyone can do to help these tone-deaf fools. As Chris showed on The Bachelorette, he’s really not good at anything physical other than being good looking. But that doesn’t stop him from talking about how bad Sarah is (he’s not wrong). Also, for someone who reminds me so much of the lead singer from the Barenaked Ladies, self-proclaimed karaoke master Ed is pretty bad too. They all suck, and they’re all freaking out. Whoever realizes that everyone is going to be horrible and just has fun with it is going to win.

Bachelor Pad Rock Stars

It must make the members of Night Ranger sad that six Bachelor Pad contestants draw a bigger crowd than they do. But the couples arrive at the theater to a group of screaming fans. Nick and Rachel choreograph their routine, while Chris writes lyrics on his arms and Sarah talks about how she is going to fail. I only spot one or two guys in the whole audience.

Nick and Rachel are up first, and Rachel’s opening solo reminds me of Cameron Diaz singing in the restaurant in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Nick soon joins her in leather pants, a leather vest and a spiky, glittery wig. Rachel’s got a badass rocker side to her personality, and Nick owns it, even crotch-thrusting the audience.

Ed and Jaclyn are the most 80s’d out, but the performance is God awful. They butcher the intro, and they both beg for a re-do (the band doesn’t stop playing for a second). They forget all the words, Jaclyn takes off her clothes and they dry hump on stage. The members of Night Ranger may be more offended than they were when they decided to do this in the first place. At least they know that every woman in America over the age of 28 will go to sleep humming their song.

Chris and Sarah are last to perform, and oh God. Whoever thought of this challenge is a sadistic person. Sarah’s dancing looks like she’s trying to escape a swarm of bees. Ed sums it up better than me, saying, “Sarah looked like a monkey that was being electrocuted on stage by some kind of thunderbolt coming down on her.” Chris just kind of stood around and sang, and he was not subtle at all about checking his arms for the lyrics. The judges noticed, but they loved Sarah’s dancing and thought they were the most fun couple. Still, I think this one goes to Nick and Rachel, and Night Ranger agrees.

So Rachel and Nick (winning his first challenge ever) are the first couple in the final, and they’ll also get to decide who joins them in the live studio finale. Chris and Sarah hope their effort in the challenges proves they deserve to be there, while Jaclyn is relying on the fact that she and Rachel are besties.

Conversely, people have been gunning for Chris for weeks, and Ed has come off as a bit of a simpleton who doesn’t offer much competition. But then again, the relationship between Ed and Jaclyn, namely the fact that he is obviously using her while she blindly goes along with it even though she KNOWS he doesn’t want anything more than a hookup, has to be a cause for concern. Her actions perfectly reflect why guys like Ed take advantage of girls who are just desperate for love and will justify any type of bad behavior in the hopes that the guy will eventually come around. I hope she moves on rather quickly after this is all over.

Who Will it Be?

Nick and Rachel are not on the same page with this decision. Rachel wants to bring Ed and Jaclyn, but Nick think it’s a better strategy to bring Chris and Sarah. They’re concerned about bringing the “gamers,” but also that people really like Ed and feel bad for Jaclyn. They’re worried that the other people voting will recognize that they’ve been thrown together as a couple after Michael left.

Nick says if they want the money, they take Chris and Sarah, no-brainer, because then they have guaranteed votes. He pushes hard, saying that friendships can be repaired, but Rachel is way too concerned about Jaclyn (who admits it would have a devastating effect on their friendship).

Nick is VERY sure this is the way to win, but it’s a strategy that might backfire. I think the argument that Chris and Sarah have fought hard and played the game and survived might garner more votes than the fact that Ed and Jaclyn are likeable and didn’t create much drama. People might not like Chris, but he can certainly make a case he deserves to win more than drunk Ed and gullible, naive Jaclyn.

In the end, Nick wins out and Chris and Sarah are headed to the finals. Ed and Jaclyn are shocked, and both she and Rachel burst into tears. Jaclyn gives Rachel the ultimate cold shoulder, and even Chris and Sarah admit it was rough. Jaclyn then offers a profanity-ridden tirade in the limo (she and Ed take different cars), calling Rachel a piece of s***, a f****** b**** and saying she wants nothing to do with her ever again. Then, for good measure, she tells Rachel to go f*** herself. The rest of it was bleeped out, so I don’t even know what she said. Way to keep it classy, Jaclyn. For her part, Rachel “doesn’t feel good about that decision.”

So the final two couples are set. Who do you think will win? And did Rachel deserve the wrath of Jaclyn? Tune in next week for the finale, which includes a Michael-Rachel blowup, some intense catfights and a winning couple who will somehow be overshadowed by one of the most shocking and disturbing moments in Bachelor history.

Bill King
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Bill King

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV

Emmy-winning news producer & former BuddyTV blogger. Lover of Philly sports, Ned, Zoe, Liam and Delaine…not in that order