Before the second season of Bachelor Pad began, Reality Steve posted an episode-by-episode spoiler set including what the challenges were, who won the challenges, who got what roses and a general overview of all the drama that would come to pass. I didn’t copy and paste all of that information because: A) If you’ve been coming here long enough, you know where to go for those kind of spoilers, right? Right? Yes, you do. And, B) Those kinds of spoilers are not really the reasons that I (and, I hope, if you’re here, you) hate-love watching and writing about Bachelor Pad. Can you spoil Vienna’s eyes crossing whenever she brags about herself? Can you spoil Erica’s sparkly see-through Britney Spears dress? Can you spoil the bone-shriveling sound of Jake Pavelka’s “friendly” laugh? No, you cannot.

And so, while vaguely what you might call “not that boring,” the spoilers just don’t give us a full look at the horrific display that is Bachelor Pad. They’re like a paint-by-numbers version of an intricate, detailed painting that a serial killer did during a fit. You’ll get a solid gist, but you’ll miss all the most captivating blood spatters!

Anyway. What Steve left out of that original batch of Bachelor Pad spoilers were details about the upcoming Monday finale, because it hadn’t been filmed yet. Well, the first part — the part where they have to learn a Cirque du Soleil routine in 24 hours because WHY NOT — had, but the part where two teams of people who did absolutely nothing to earn $250,000 argue about why they deserve $250,000 and one couple wins $250,000 because WHY NOT IT’S JUST A RECESSION had not yet been filmed.

But now the finale has been filmed, and Reality Steve’s inside eyes and ears and hearts have spilled what they know about what we’ll see during the reunion/voting/prize-awarding portion of next Monday night’s Bachelor Pad finale. So let’s look at them! I’m sure the asinine soundbites and plastic faces will make these stories even crazier when we watch them play out, but as far as a solid gist goes, this is a great one. Some of this stuff is pretty juicy! Thanks, Steve!

As if it wasn’t clear already, do not keep reading if you don’t want to be spoiled:

REUNION: The backwash of the backwash! We get to revisit the 14 people who got eliminated and answer the burning questions that remain about their lives. And here’s what we learn: Ames and Jackie are still broken up, no duh. And… that’s all! OK. Good talk.

LOVE TRIANGLES, DE-TRIANGULATED: Jake takes the hot seat and talks some more about Kasey and Vienna because no one, I say NO ONE, has had enough of that yet! Then Jake and Kasey apparently “hug it out.” In Steve’s words (well, word): “Booooooooo…..”

Then, Blake takes the hot seat. I’ll let Steve tell you the rest about that:

“Now remember, the final four haven’t been brought out yet. Michael, Holly, Michelle, and Graham are all backstage not knowing what’s happening out on stage. Blake talks about the whole Melissa incident, then is asked about what’s the status with Holly. He says he’s been spending a lot of time with her, he loves her, and he’s never loved anyone like this before. Chris Harrison then steps in and says something to the effect of, “There’s more to this story…”. Then they show a clip on the big screen, where in just the last few days, Blake proposed to Holly and she accepted. They are engaged, which is why she’s moving to South Carolina. Now their tweets to each other Monday night make sense. It wasn’t specified when exactly this engagement that was shown on the big screen took place, but, it was sometime in the last few days.”

Whoa! A couple who met on a reality dating show getting engaged after what seems an abnormally short amount of time? Now I’ve heard it all! I said it before and I’ll say it again, still sarcastically: I’m sure they will be happy forever.

Then, Kasey takes the hot seat and talks some more about how he and Vienna are still so in love. Then the hollow yet deafening sound of no one caring causes one of Erica’s glass eyes to shatter! (Everything but that last part is true. Apparently.)

THE AWARDING OF THE MONEY: What does “deserve” even mean anymore? Then it’s time to get that MONEY! The final four — Michael & Holly and Michelle & Graham — are brought out on stage. For what I’m sure is an insanely long amount of time given what they actually did to “earn” the money, the teams must answer questions from the group about why they deserve to win. Then it gets juicy again:

“At some point during this is when Michael finds out Holly is engaged to Blake. Michael did not know. He knew Holly was moving to South Carolina, but she never told him (I guess she tried but couldn’t get a hold of him), and Michael is told that they’re engaged. He’s pretty surprised.”

He’s “pretty surprised”! Sounds like things got pretty heated. Then some stuff happens with Graham giving flowers to Michelle and Michelle’s mom for the passing of Michelle’s father. 

VOTING: According to Steve, “each of the 14 contestants had to write down the name of the COUPLE they wanted to win. And by an overwhelming majority of 10-4….Michael and Holly got the most votes. The only 4 votes for Graham and Michelle were from Kasey, Vienna, Melissa, and William.”

KEEP OR SHARE: The show has kept the same surprise “twist” ending from last season, because … just because. Michael and Holly go backstage separately, and have to each choose to either “Keep” or “Share” the $250,000. As you may recall, if they both choose “Keep,” they get nothing and the other contestants split the money. If they both choose “Share,” they share. And if one chooses “Keep” and the other chooses “Share,” the one who chooses “Keep” gets all the money.

THE RESULT: Once again, the spirit of cooperation, togetherness and teamwork washes over the finalists and becomes the lasting lesson of the season. Holly chooses “Share,” and, after pretending for a minute that he did the opposite, Michael reveals that he ALSO chose “Share.” And so, in an ending befitting this real life soap opera, the ex-fiances split the money, and their lives, and that’s the end.

And that’s an ending I could get behind … until I realized it means the real winner here is Blake, because he got the girl, her money, AND he didn’t have to do that final Cirque du Soleil challenge. He’s like the male Sarah Jessica Parker; I don’t know how he does it.

What do you think of these spoilers? Are you still going to watch the Monday Bachelor Pad finale?

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.