Yo Bachelor-heads! I hope you all had a lovely, sunny, warm, delightful Labor Day weekend. Whether you’re the type who took the chance to turn off the tube and go outside, or you chose to take it easy and get some quality time with your TV, I think you’ll find something in this Bachelor roundup that tickles your rose-fancy, starting with ABC’s big announcement today…
Ben Flajnik is officially the next Bachelor. He’ll make his first public appearance under that new title on next Monday’s Bachelor Pad 2 finale, but ABC made the choice official today with a press release, which says, in part: “A rare, modern Renaissance man, Ben dabbles in a lot of hobbies and crafts, such as crab fishing, sailing, golf, skate boarding, surfing, playing piano, and singing in a tribute band. He is also quite handy with a hammer and saw, and loves fixing and building things, as well as landscaping. The woman who will share his life will also have to share one of his other great loves: his Jack Russell Terrier, Scotch.” A rare, modern Renaissance man, ladies! Please try not to fall on top of each other when you swoon-faint all over the place.
Don’t forget to read last night’s Bachelor Pad recap! Certain smart and highly influential internet commenters have been known to say the BP recap is often better than the real thing. Not a very high bar to clear, if we’re being honest, but still.
What’s the deal with next week’s Bachelor Pad finale? What is that crazy wall-walking challenge? How will they decide who wins the money? Sit down, anxious child. I will repeat to you what I now know:
The Final Challenge: “Our remaining four couples – Vienna & Kasey, Michelle & Graham, Ella & Kirk and Holly & Michael – are summoned to Las Vegas to compete in the most daring competition in Bachelor Pad history. They will have 24 hours to master a terrifying Cirque du Soleil routine that takes professionals six months to learn.” Of course. I’m sure their grace and athleticism will impress us ALL.
More Details About the Challenge: “The remaining four couples are confronted by a menacing 100-foot wall. Their difficult, unique routines will be performed high on the giant wall itself. […] The lowest scoring couple will be sent home immediately. […] Ella must overcome her crippling fear of falling. Michelle starts to feel sick, but will she be able to continue her training? [By the way that question is phrased, probably not?] Will Vienna & Kasey’s overconfidence interfere with their routine? [WE CAN ONLY HOPE.] And Michael must learn to put his emotions aside as he tries to compete with Holly as a couple. There are remarkable performances, but one couple dazzles everyone with their final moves and wins the roses.”
The Judges: “Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick and Ali Fedotowsky will judge the couples’ acrobatic expertise, eliminating one pair.” Or: “We’re hauling out our only successful Bachelor(ettes) to subliminally convince you to watch Ben’s season in January.”
The Second Half of the Finale: “The final three couples return to Los Angeles, where the winning couple decides who will join them in the finale. All the former housemates of this season’s Bachelor Pad are reunited to vote on which of the final two couples deserves to win the money. What will happen when Jake confronts Vienna & Kasey? [Who caaaares?] How will Melissa react to seeing Blake again? [I hope they let her bring weapons!] Will Michael be able to handle Blake and Holly’s emotional reunion? [Ah-doy, no.] But the most important question is who will walk away $250,000 richer? [Anyone but Kasey and Vienna, please.]”
The Final Prize: “Then immediately following “The Final Challenge,” the two remaining couples will be joined by all their past housemates, who will return to vote on which couple deserves the $250,000.” DOES THAT MEAN KASEY AND VIENNA CAN’T WIN? Watching Vienna cry when she loses wouldn’t make up for the entire experience of watching this show, but it would help.
MORE NEWS BITS:
Michelle Money tells People Magazine that her relationship with Graham Bunn is close and special but “not definable.” Wait, so does that mean they’re together or not together? Be more specific and use more defining words, please. America needs to know! [People]
Here’s a video of Kasey Kahl “freestyle rapping” to Ryan Seacrest, so watch that if you’re interested, though I would personally rather hear some nails on a chalkboard “freestyle rap” inside a blender. That is then inside an erupting volcano. With Mary Murphy harmonizing. [Wetpaint]
Reality Steve says that Holly is moving to South Carolina to be with Blake Julian. OK? If it’s possible to negative-care about something, I am currently doing so about that.
Chris Harrison blogs Bachelor Pad Week 5; brags about being best bugs with Bob Eubanks; actually writes the sentence, “I was just personally glad to know that Graham did not lose his virginity at seven years old.” [EW]
Chris Harrison talks to TV Guide about Bachelor Pad Week 5; calls Erica a “black widow” and a “nightmare” who is smart and often underestimated; teases next week’s THREE-HOUR (AGAIN?!) finale. [TV Guide]
Diaries of the Departed: “I’m just holding my gavel right now because, like, it gives me strength and it helps me feel a little bit powerful even though it’s not a triumphant time right now.” How much are you going to miss Erica’s deluded princess declarations? Is it the opposite amount that you’ll miss Blake’s smarmy smirks?
Deleted Scene: The Sex Questions. Find out how many people each of these terrible people has had sex with. Surprisingly low numbers for a bunch of famewhores, right? Just saying. That they’re probably lying.
Bachelor Pad UNCENSORED: What the F*** Is Going On Here? No, I don’t mean with the women being able to lift up the men. I mean with the fact that Gia is in this clip, which means it’s at least three weeks old. Did ABC think I wouldn’t notice? ABC! You should know I would recognize that vapid ponytail anywhere.
That’s a lot to take in, I know, but tell me what you think of the day’s biggest news: What do you think of the fact that Ben is now, officially, The Bachelor?
(Image courtesy of ABC)