After a long summer, the creepy Fortune Teller on Big Brother 13 finally came to life Monday night inside the house and started talking. Crystal (that’s her name) revealed fortunes for all of the 14 HGs of the season and promised that they would be a part of the next HoH competition.

SPOILER WARNING: This article contains Big Brother 13 spoilers.

While there are five people in th house, the fortunes only matter for three of them. As the current HoH, Rachel won’t be able to compete in the next competition, and after Adam won the Power of Veto and didn’t use it, either Porsche or Kalia will be evicted (based on conversations, it’s going to be Kalia, especially since everyone is scared of her ability to memorize stuff).

To help out the Big Brother 13 fans watching at home, here are the 14 fortunes Crystal gave out throughout the night. Note that I only got the general idea of what she said, not the specific wording, but all of the major details are correct.

Evel Dick: In 2015, he’ll start a Christmas tradition by bringing gifts to heavily tattooed orphans, changing his name to Old Saint Dick.

Keith: In 2015 he’ll host a new reality dating show called Love Rejection, but it will be short-lived when it’s revealed he tried to date all 29 female contestants.

Cassi: In 2012 she’ll land a role with international superstar David Hasselhoff in the countrified reboot of Baywatch, Riverwatch.

Dominic: In 2013 he’ll grace the cover of Seventeen magazine with the headline “Total Dom-ination” and he’ll dethrone pop sensation Justin Bieber as America’s favorite heartthrob.

Lawon: In 2016 he’ll take New York Fashion Week by storm with his Handsomfied collection of hats, ties and jackets.

Brendon: After spending 9 years getting his Ph.D., he’ll shock scholars and physicians by finding a cure for the ailment that plagued him his whole life, Athlete’s Foot.

Daniele: She will reconcile with her father on October 15, 2011 at 3:42pm and stop talking to him again at 3:49pm on the same day.

Jeff: In 2014 he’ll disappear from society after wandering the streets of Chicago muttering two words: “Clown Shoe.”

Shelly: In 2018 she’ll make millions when her book, How I Created the Perfect Tan and You Tan Too reached number 3 on the all-time bestseller list.

Kalia: In 2014 she’ll sleep for a record 19 straight days in a sleep study and make national headlines and get her dream job as a mattress and pillow tester.

Porsche: In 2017, she’ll leave the Miami sun and move to Anchorage, Alaska where she’ll buy an igloo with an Eskimo named Ernie.

Adam: In 2020, he’ll file for bankruptcy after investing all his money in bacon-scented, heavy metal teddy bears for children.

Jordan: In 2011 after the runaway success of the Humili-tard, she’ll launch a line of Humili-tard-inspired items like the Humili-Car, the Humili-Fier and the Humili-Bake Oven.

Rachel: In 2018 she’ll give birth to a 9 pound, 6 ounce boy she’ll name Buki Jr. after his proud papa.

As you can see, there are a whole lot of numbers for the HGs to get confused, and odds are the next HoH competition will be a True or False quiz based on these fortunes. In the house, Rachel is helping Jordan, but as usual, Jordan’s brain works differently than most people’s, so it’s hard. Adam is extremely confident about it and feels it’s his competition to lose. He’s also studying with Rachel and Jordan, proving exactly where his loyalty lies. And Porsche and Kalia are studying together and seem to have a good grasp on it.

(Image courtesy of CBS)

John Kubicek

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

John watches nearly every show on TV, but he specializes in sci-fi/fantasy like The Vampire DiariesSupernatural and True Blood. However, he can also be found writing about everything from Survivor and Glee to One Tree Hill and Smallville.