The finale is upon us. Four acts remain but only one can win a headlining act in Las Vegas and that big, fat check! After last night, there is only one question: are there any clip packages left to air? I’m sure they can find some, maybe a clip package saluting the season’s best clip packages! Anything can happen, it’s the America’s Got Talent Season 6 Final Results!

Or did you just tune in because you thought Minute to Win it was on, and then you saw Nick Cannon and demanded to know where that stud muffin, Guy Fieri is? No, no one did that. Guy Fieri has the night off; he’s trying to get TGI Friday’s to make him a P’Zone. On with the Talent! Did I hear that Queen Latifah is performing?

Nick Cannon is wearing a tux tonight, so Piers can only say a non-joke about it (something along the lines of, “I’m disappointed because you look relatively normal tonight,” I’m sure). But first, we bring out the Final 4 and watch the first of many clip packages. Then, boom, the Piers Morgan joke, “bow ties are last year, no, you look good.” NICE ONE, PIERS.

Oh yes, When Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. Met Patti LaBelle. I challenge “it” to get better than this! It was nice to see Landau outside of his Frank Sinatra comfort zone but still doing well. If he wins tonight, I will be alright with it (but I will have lost some foolishly-gambled money). Was this not the most joyful performance of “You’re All I Need to Get By” you’ve seen? I can’t believe Patti let him take the spotlight there. She was probably like, “whatever, I have my beaded animal print coat to pull focus.” I love that Landau chose Patti LaBelle. 

Did you know that Nick Cannon is in Up All Night? You go, Nick Cannon! And now, for some reason: Def Leppard! They should have used the AGT ensemble of dancers. They’re not doing anything else! This is all fine and good, but it definitely can’t top last season’s performance by Sponjetta and T-Pain!

So last night’s technical difficulty was that the backstage doors wouldn’t open. That is hilarious. To me. It must have been incredibly stressful for everyone actually involved. Nick Cannon earned his stripes again that night.

Team iLuminate was “so excited to perform with Cobra Starship.” More like they drew the short straw. Aww, that was mean to Cobra Starship! Any excuse to be like the Black Eyed Peas, right? I’m actually not sure that’s true. So, this was just not a match made in heaven. Cobra Starship probably has something in their contract that we have to be able to see their faces on TV, so a lot of the effect of Team iLuminate was lost. Still, everyone got to have suits that lit up and changed colors, so that was nice.

After another clip package featuring bad/wacky auditions (didn’t we see this last night?), I’m still not convinced that we had THAT much fun this season. You made it look like a barrel of laughs, NBC! But in the moment, it was just too forced. THEN, we were treated to a performance from “The Auditions All-Stars.” It was off to the worst start ever in the history of live television, with that guy being really confused about when they were starting, and his wife trying to save it. WHOA, Primitivo Montoya had some work done! I’m glad they had him carthwheel off the stage again. He’s a good sport. In my opinion, that hula-hooping, splits-doing grandmother should not be included in the group of bad auditions!

Now Silhouettes will perform with Leann Rimes and you will be INSPIRED! They do that tree thing a lot, don’t they? Oh, I get it, it’s like a “best of Silhouettes” thing. And the audience never cheered louder than when they spelled out “AMERICA.” Last but not least, specially for Leann Rimes, they spelled out, “GIVE,” and bowed. That was pretty cool. Much more successful than Team iLuminate with Cobra Starship.

Oh boy, a clip package about the judges. How will they ever understand that this show isn’t about them if we keep encouraging them? Howie might be having a gas playing tricks and annoying Piers, but you know all Piers has to do is spit in his coffee and sneeze on his donut. “That was so much fun, I’m so glad we got to see that!” said no one.

To take our minds off of naked Howie Mandel, it’s One Republic. Their music is perfect for underscoring people running to each other in the rain. 

Enter Jerry Springer to talk about the prize package. Oh, and the other three finalists who don’t win will also be in the Vegas act. And Michael Grimm. OK you can all be in the show! There was still time for What’s Poppin in the Orville Lounge!

Why are Queen Latifah and Tony Bennett performing together, tonight, on this stage? It’s best not to ask questions of this show, or to expect too much. I wonder if they just came from the Orville Lounge.

And now, PopLyfe performs with Stevie Wonder. Seriously?! And what were YOU doing in middle school? Probably not performing with 25 time Grammy Award winner Stevie Wonder. They seemed by distracted by his amping up the crowd when they were supposed to start singing. Stevie has also performed with the Jonas Brothers, to their embarrassment, so he’s not above putting some more youngsters to shame. I don’t want this to sound mean, but I’ve reached the conclusion that PopLyfe should definitely not win.

In this marathon of programming (never before has it so clearly not been a sprint!), Cirque du Soleil is up next. Have you all gone to the bathroom? Because the real stuff is coming soon! Not that this old-timey circus stuff and a guy walking around pretending to be a phonograph and flipping another fellow around by his cod piece isn’t real stuff … They dropped a guy, does that mean Piers gets to buzz them?

The first result! All four groups head to the stage. The act in fourth place is … … (so many people in Silhouettes! We have to see everyone’s faces!) … PopLyfe. But you can’t say they didn’t want it enough. And now a look back at their time on the show! Don’t worry, gang, you still get to perform on that stage in Vegas!

The act in third place is Team iLuminate. What?! I can’t believe it! I thought they’d be in the top 2! I just lost me some money. It’s my own fault for not voting my fingers down to the bone.

Alright, so will Landau’s dreams be dashed upon the rocks or will we ruin the futures of dozens of sick children? We’re about to find out, but first we get to see Jackie Evancho again. She’s a big shot now that she’s been on Oprah. Oh, she’s grown a bit! She’s still good, though! I am wondering who had to light all those candles. It was seriously like, a thousand candles. Probably the same guy who couldn’t get the door open last night. I think Prince Poppycock sang that for his finale performance last season. It got buzzed. ANYWAY! Jackie misses Pittsburgh, home of Dance Moms!

It’s down to Silhouettes and Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. How can we stretch this out even longer? It’s the American Dream vs. the American Dream!

And the winner is … Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.! He’s a headliner, and a millionaire now! Don’t forget to report it on your taxes. It was pretty adorable when all the girls in Silhouettes ran toward Landau and hugged him. 

(images courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).