America’s Next Top Model‘s first “real” (?) episode picked up this week right where the fun ended last week after the top 14 models were chosen to move forward and the remaining eight were left standing on the beach with nothing to show for their work except some sand in their suitcases. This week, the claws came out, relationships went bust, one model’s considerable physical attributes were discussed, the prizes were revealed and in the end one of the sweetest competitors was sent home.
If you recall the final moments from last week’s episode, we learned that contestants Keith, Ivy, Lenox, Romeo, Denzel, Raelia, Mirjana, Matthew, Ben, Kari, Shei, Will, Chantelle and Adam would head directly from the puppy pile group photo shoot on the beach to their very first runway. What? Yeah. Tyra revealed that the first challenge of America’s Next Top Model cycle 21 will feature the models walking the catwalk as living art wearing nothing but silly string and their birthday suits.
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String Art Wasn’t This Fun When I Was a Kid
Here we go, folks! Tyra Banks announces the challenge is a risque runway wearing nothing but neon green party string which is a lot like spray cheese, but skinnier and probably tasting more like ass than something you want to spread on a Ritz.
Everyone gets down to shirts and skins — er, skins and skins — and the heat is about to be turned way up, but hopefully not too high because that party spray string crap will probably melt or at least deflate and it could turn into a spontaneous orgy, and that’s not what we’re here for, folks. That could be a whole different show. I digress.
So as everyone gets ready in nothing but g-stings and spray cheese, er, spray string, Adam boasts that he’s got the best body of all the guys, which shouldn’t surprise us that he thinks this because he told us last week that he’s more attractive than 95% of the population. Denzel reveals that Kari makes him weak in the knees, and Matthew and Mirjana seem to have a little chemistry.
People get all sprayed up and I’m wondering how the hell they are gonna keep the naughty bits covered. It looks like there are no bras (though there may be some Madonna-esque nipple tassel thingies — minus the tassels — for the girls), but it looks like everyone gets a G-string. Regardless, everyone’s fannies are hanging out and there’s lots of blurred film following everyone wherever they go.
This first challenge is being marshaled by Alexis Borges, the compact and not at all unattractive agency director of Next Model Management, which, by the way, is the agency providing a contract to this cycle’s ANTM winner when we get to that point.
Keith is the first to strut and his walk is unaffected. The judges say he looks a bit like Tyson, but, excuse me, a hundred times hotter. They must be referring to his tough guy swagger because Keith has all his teeth and he’d probably never hit a girl, so forget Tyson. Adam walks out and does his He-Man-Beer-Keg walk, for which Miss J says she’d like to put her foot up his ass. Yes, Miss J! That is what we love about you. Miss J is BACK!
Kari gets a little claustrophobic, Chantelle is fierce and Ivy looks like she’s an ’80s flashback and not in a good way.
Predictably, Keith wins the challenge and gets the key to the Tyra suite. Also predictably, he chooses Kari as his play-, er, roommate.
Home Suite Mansion for a Boochblizzard Chicknado StudStorm
The crew gets to the mansion, which is decked out in photos of the lovely Tyra Banks and all kinds of weather-themed decorations like the words “BoochBlizzard, Chicknado and StudStorm.” It’s kinda corny, but this is ANTM, folks, what more do you want? Then we also have a Tyra quote scrawled across one wall: “Beauty is in the smize of the beholder.” She’s such a geeky dweeb, our Tyra.
Keith leads everyone to the Tyra suite, which has a huge bed, a private bath and two balconies. Everyone drools, and then Kari and Keith head off to bed where they cuddle but don’t fool around. “This is called America’s Next Top Model,” says Kari, Not America’s Find the Next Lover Show. And she’s not wrong, though some of us are wondering at this point.
Mirjana and Matthew also snuggle a bit, but then she reveals she has a boyfriend and Matthew can’t even talk, he’s so shocked … and a little bruised in the ego. But he mostly handles it like a man. Matthew, honey, she didn’t deserve you. Onward, Christian Soldier!
Early Scores Adorn the Wall
Also on the wall of the mansion are everyone’s scores from the challenge. It shakes out like this: Keith was a perfect 10, and with all due respect to everyone’s personal taste, all of America could have predicted this as well, and by all of America, I guess I just mean me.
Chantelle is the only one to get a score of nine, and six people get eights. Four others get sevens, leaving Adam and Ivy at the bottom with sixes. But this is only the beginning.
The Boom-Boom-Boom and the Boom-Boom-Wow
The next morning, it’s photo shoot time, but now things get serious. Tyra explains the importance of male abs to look fantastic, describing it as boom-boom-boom and gals’ midriffs need to be soft and beautiful, which she calls boom-boom-wow. You really have to see her do a demonstration to understand exactly what she means, folks. She describes it as a way of posing that’s for this show, not for Ho; sexy but not sleazy. Okay. Now I get it.
The guys show off their abs and Will gets nervous. Will is simply beautiful, but he ain’t got much in the way of abs.
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Smizing in the Rain
The photo shoot: Eric Asla is going to shoot everyone, including Tyra, while they are doused over and over with a bucket of water. These images will be made into the slow motion intro for this cycle of ANTM. And, of course, we start with Tyra’s shoot.
Tyra makes it look so easy, but everyone else finds out that that just ain’t so. Keith looks like a real model and Will struggles because, again, he doesn’t have the boom-boom-boom that the other guys have and it totally messes with his modeling mojo.
Lenox does great, though I still don’t find her all that attractive. Yu says Romeo is prettier than some of the girls. Ivy struggles and Raelia is haunted by a near-drowning she experienced when she was 10.
Bossy Mirjana Taunts Average Adam, Matthew Calls It
Back at the party model mansion, Adam pretty much tells America that he’s an alcoholic and damn proud of it (15 beers a night is a regular Wednesday for him, apparently). Mirjana spouts off at Adam, who then boasts that he got a 1510 on his SATs. I guess Adam isn’t aware that the national average for the SAT is 1500 — which pretty much makes Adam, well, average. If he’d said he got a 2400, we might be impressed. #NotImpressed
By the way, whenever Mirjana gets bossy, she starts telling people they will be going home. What is this girl hiding? A severe case of insecurity? She mentioned earlier that her boyfriend never supported her modeling, so, yeah, I’m thinking this gorgeous girl has some issues.
Matthew, god bless him, speaks up amid the verbal sparring and puts voice to a very important message: people need to stop telling others that they should go home. If someone is good they will continue on, if not they will be sent home … but no one needs to judge the others. I’m liking this guy more and more. #SwarthyMaturity
Elimination Time and the Scores Revealed
This season of America’s Next Top Model features strange and interesting hair architecture worn by one very-much-missed Miss J Alexander. What all that constitutes is not clear at this point.
The prizes this cycle: a fashion spread in Nylon magazine, a contract with Next Models and a $100,000 prize from Guess.
Everyone steps forward one at a time and gets the news on their scores. Adam scares Kelly Cutrone, she says, but Tyra likes him. Denzel’s guns are too big (not for me, though) and Tyra loves how he’s selling his wet wife-beater undershirt. Raelia’s and Ben’s film sucked and Mirjana came off as a porn queen.
Yenta Kelly mentions that she’d seen some sparks between Mirjana and Matthew, but Mirjana disses him right there at panel. Matthew, however, takes the high road and has nothing at all to say on the matter and good American girls all over the nation now want to have his babies. That’s just a guess and I may be doing a little projecting onto all those good girls. Tyra asks Matthew to put on an accent … which he does … and then she tells him how hot he is … and by god, she ain’t wrong.
Shei’s photo is super busted according to Kelly — unlike the adjective, “sick” is apparently not a good thing. Tyra says she’s a trashy sexpot. She needs to think high fashion and chic.
Romeo, according to Tyra, is prettier than some of the girls. I don’t understand this. His personality makes him gross, but maybe that’s just me? Miss J is concerned about his witchy-poo ways.
Ivy’s photo wasn’t good, Chantelle’s was and Kari was gorgeous.
Tyra says Lenox has an innocence that keeps her open-mouthed photo from looking like a blow-up sex doll. Better watch out, Mirjana!
Keith the “Manaconda”
Tyra mentions that Keith was told to pull down his pants during the photo shoot, but the photographers were nervous. She told Keith he is purported to be a “Manaconda.” Are they saying he’s hung like a bear? Are they really saying that? Did that really happen? Right there on television? #ThatHappened
So Who Goes home?
Okay, the totals will include their scores, the challenge score, plus social media. This cycle, there is again no deliberation. Who stays and who goes is determined by the challenge scores, the photo shoot scores from the judges and the social media scores combined.
The Top Three: Keith wins the number one spot and gets to stay in the Tyra suite back at the house. Second is Lenox. What? And third is Matthew, the swarthy good guy.
The Bottom Three: Shei, Will and Ivy are the bottom three. Raelia is relieved to be chosen next, leaving Will and Ivy. Will’s photo shoot was a hot mess, says Tyra, but Next Models says they wouldn’t sign Ivy as a model. Will makes it through and Ivy is sent home.
Just like last cycle, eliminated models get a chance to do all the photo shoots and be voted back by their social media scores.
Next week’s America’s Next Top Model theme is one of my favorite episodes: Make-Overs! Woot. I can’t wait. See y’all then!
America’s Next Top Model airs Mondays at 9pm on The CW.
(Images courtesy of The CW)
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV