Last week, Louise had an epic meltdown and Kelly Cutrone revealed that even though she’s new and knows little to nothing about modeling, she’s NOT the judge to mess with. Or to look straight in the eye. Or to speak to, if what’s coming out of your mouth isn’t a compliment about her. What a delightful addition to the panel she’s turning out to be! If Andre Leon Talley actually watched Top Model (I doubt he even did when he was on the show) he’d be rolling in his massive Dolce & Gabbana caftan, watching what she’s doing to his old seat.
This week, we begin where we ended last week: The Brits are traumatized by the loss of Louise, but feeling slightly buoyed by the fact that the Americans are “turning on each other.” Eboni now resents her “30-Never” name because she doesn’t want to be seen as a little girl (or a baby prostitute, as she looked like in last week’s photo) and ironically acts even MORE like a baby while insisting that she’s an “adult” who has “been through some sh*t.” She lists off her personal and family troubles almost a little toooo easily, like she’s used to giving this speech when things don’t go her way. Then she takes her anger out on Kyle for seemingly no reason. Unless you count the reason that she’s a vindictive whiner.
Miss J meets the girls dressed as your New Age yoga teacher.
And now we’re going to lower ourselves even further, into the Downward-Facing Tyra-Ankle-Grabber…
And YAY, that vicious hobbit who told the All-Stars exactly why they sucked last cycle is BACK, and he’s here to give these newbies an impossible task: To make a TV commercial. But the commercial is supposed to sell them, as personalities. (But isn’t the beauty of being a model that you don’t need a personality?) Eboni is surprised by Martin’s insight that “people judge you by first impressions.” If that’s a new one, think about all the OTHER things she’s probably never learned.
Each of the girls gets a different blan everyday product to sell in their “TV commercial” (a camera in front of a wall), and they only get one continuous take in which to ad-lib a speech about why their trash bags/TV dinner/toilet paper/other generic boring crap is a MUST-BUY. Just like filming a real TV commercial. JUST KIDDING. Even filming a real, low-budget local access infomercial would be more professional than this.
Ashley panics and says that her toilet paper smells so good that your boyfriend could come smell your ass after you use it. Major selling point! Totally relatable. “My mom’s gonna think my boyfriend smells my arse!” she laments. I love you, British Ashley. Please say “arse” some more.
Kyle tries to make breath mints interesting and everyone is like “AHHHH Kyle is so boring, she should go home now.” Which is a great point except that, um, ALL of these are boring. Except the ones that are funny in a bad way — like Candace, who just repeats “BUY THIS COFFEE! BUY THIS COFFEE NOW!” in a threatening way. But it’s not Candace’s fault that she’s terrible at giving presentations, because she paid people to do her homework her entire life and just got by on her looks. And she openly admits that. Oh wait. Candace might not just be terrible at talking, she might also be a terrible … person?
Martin the uptight marketing hobbit reveals that they’re now going to show the “commercials” to a “focus group” to see who gives the best first impression. Of course, the focus group just RIPS INTO each of the girls — because the entire challenge was a completely impossible mess! I love when Top Model just blatantly sets up girls to fail. It’s good practice for their modeling careers after they leave the show. Only a couple girls get thumbs up: Seymone gets a fairly decent review, and everyone thinks Sophie is adorable. Annaliese and Kyle also get positive feedback.
Eboni “came off a little bit too full of herself” by saying that we, the public, can look pretty like the Top Models if we use her tin foil or whatever. But some schlubby guy from the “focus group” is like “But she’s not even THAT pretty!” Eboni hears this, and takes it in stride, as you can see:
Incensed by an offhand insult from a complete stranger, Eboni again takes her aggression out on Kyle, and the other girls join in, saying Kyle didn’t do very well — even though she did? I don’t know. It’s two teenagers being mean to each other, it doesn’t need to make sense. Kyle starts freaking out, runs out of the room and wants to quit the show because she’s miserable AND because she’s afraid she’ll punch Eboni in the face if she stays. Hahaha! Fair enough.
Miss J hugs Kyle back to health, and then it’s time to announce the winner of the challenge, and it’s … Annaliese. Surprise, surprise, Miss “Excite-to-Buy” got the focus group excited to buy, so she wins AAAAAAALL the diamonds.
The Photo Shoot
The girls arrive at a dried-up dam that looks perfect for street racing. Then Nigel and Jay Manuel drive up trying to look all hard, in what one of the girls calls “bumpy cars.” (Lowriders with hydraulics.) No two men have ever looked more out of place.
They see me rolling, they are hating, they may be trying to catch me riding in a dirty fashion but they won’t because my hygiene is impeccable!
The concept for the shoot is another nonsensical mashup: British couture hats and American classic cars. Sure. Why not.
In hair and makeup, Kyle’s still whining about whether she should stay or go. (Go! Go! Gooooo!) It’s such a tough call. On the one hand, she hates this competition and everyone in it. But on the other hand … uh, attention?
Status update: “Sitting in the makeup chair, thinking about how hard my life is :(”
AzMarie gets great feedback on her shoot, though her face can look a little “butch.” Catherine looks amazing in her hot pink hat and green dress. Alisha‘s doing an “Angelina Jolie at the Oscars” leg. Kyle looks a little like Katy Perry with her hair tucked up, and Jay loves her shoot, but the whole group has turned against her after her tantrum last night. Ashley looks adorable — and a little like Jennifer Lawrence, if I’m not mistaken. It’s time for Seymone‘s shoot, and she is LOST. Nigel pulls her aside and gives her a lecture, and after that it’s … decent. Annaliese has a massive pink flower thing on her head, and looks confident.
Laura rolls around on the ground, and Nigel LOVES it. She’s always ziggin’ when others are zaggin’! She’s wacky and everyone loves it! She might be on drugs, but those drugs are leading her straight to SUCCESS!
Candace looks like she should be in Vogue, Jay says, but she’s still incapable of moving her face out of “bitch mode.” Very Anna Wintour. Very Vogue.
Nigel has to remind Sophie to stop laughing during the shoot, which isn’t a good sign. But she’s so adorable. Eboni still isn’t embracing her “30 Never” nickname (because, uhh, it’s made-up and stupid?) but Nigel says her shoot was gorgeous.
That night, Kyle is STILL debating whether to leave or not. I’ve only been hearing it for 20 minutes and I’m already like, “ENOUGH! Make up your mind!” So I’m starting to understand why all the other girls are fed up with her.
Everyone’s dressed to the nines for judging. Miss J, our guest judge, is wearing the purple version of his yoga teacher outfit. I love all his headbands. and half-ponies.Tyra has a curled up sleeping puppy on her head! Cuuuuuute.
On to the judging…
Sophie: Nigel thinks she needed to pull it together quicker during the shoot. Kelly doesn’t think she looks “connected” to the environment, and Tyra wishes she’d made better angles.
Eboni: Nigel loves this picture he took! Miss J sees a “wonky eye.” Tyra says it’s still too sexy, because she doesn’t look like an adult.
Catherine: It’s not sexy enough to Kelly. Miss J wishes she’d “pushed it” more.
Alisha: Kelly thinks her body language looks like a weigh lifter. Tyra loves the face.
Seymone: Nigel tells the panel that it was frustrating to shoot her. Tyra thinks she looks like “the wife of the head of the Rose Bowl” (uhhh) but she’s not doing enough with her face.
Kyle: Kelly thinks she looks like a “nasty power bitch,” in a good way. Tyra calls it “fantastic.” No mention from Kyle about how she’s been saying all week that she’s sick of this and wants to go home.
Ashley: They love the shot, but wish she’d lifted her head more.
Candace: Nigel laments that she uses the same face in every shot, and Tyra says that she wishes they’d given Candace “AzMarie’s hair” (shaved) so she wouldn’t have anything to hide behind.
Laura: They loooove it. Kelly calls her a “drunk Mae West.” Tyra: “You are MAH-DUH-LING. You’re not just a model. You’re the verb.”
Annaliese: She’s hunched, and it’s weird. She admits that she needs posing tips?! Ahhhh-naliese! You’re not supposed to SAY THAT.
AzMarie: The word from the panel is “FIERCE.” Tyra is so impressed that she thinks it looks like animation. A human being couldn’t possibly have leaned slightly back like that!
In deliberation, the judges say that Eboni’s “idea of sexy” is working against her. Kelly says that Sophie looks pregnant, which is RIDICULOUS, especially given the source. Alisha’s leg finally gives Tyra an excuse to hoist herself over the judging table. I was going to take a picture of it, but my hand wouldn’t stop shaking.
Then she says of Candace, “Exotica was forgot-ica.” Tyra, you’re on a rolllllll! Kinda like that shiny black Cinnabon on top of your head.
Best photo this week is: AZMARIE
Whooo, two in a row! “I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing,” she says when Tyra asks what’s happening. Damn right, girl.
And the rest, in order:
Kyle (“You look so worried!” Kyle: “Guhhh-uhhh”)
Bottom Two: Seymone and Candace
Tyra says that Seymone is a “vision of loveliness” in real life, but she’s not representing her beauty in photos. She looks like “mediocrity.” And Candace, who looks like she could be from anywhere from LA to Zimbabwe, also translates to “mediocrity” on camera.
Tyra says that Seymone doesn’t know what she’s doing and needs more time. I guess that means that Candace DOES know what she’s doing, but what she’s doing is bad, so she gets no more time. Candace cries, but doesn’t leave without calling out Kyle for wanting to leave. But Tyra’s not hearing it. Literally. She’s like, “I don’t even know who you’re talking about!” and then talks over Candace with some stupid anecdote about a model she didn’t like 17 years ago. So the moral of the story is shut up, because it’s all about TYYYYRA!
Next week: They’re going to Canada to walk in Toronto Fashion Week, and then celebrating (insulting) Canada by posing with maple leaves over their naughty bits while getting maple syrup poured all over them. Yes, you read that right: Next week’s photo shoot concept is MAPLE SYRUP SHOWER. TYRA, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN!
Have a question for Candace? Put it in the comments! I’m interviewing her over the phone tomorrow morning. And yes, I’m definitely gonna ask her about that “paying people to give her school presentations” thing.
(Images courtesy of the CW)