Last week on The Bachelorette:
Kiptyn, Reid, Ed, and You Know WHO joined Jillian in Spain, and after a long game of "one of these things is not like the other," she gave the controversial cowboy the BOOT.Tonight, a special rhyme for you, from me:
Aloha means "hello" but also "goodbye." Tonight, both meanings, Jill needs to apply. Reid, Kiptyn, or Ed: which guy to deny? Whomever's bedroom time goes awry! Is it Reid who can't do the deed, Kiptyn who's not equipped-tyn, or Edward whose fortunes sour bedward? Find out tonight on The Bachelorette
, where the only thing 'real' is your TV set!
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So I wrote a rhyme. I guess sometimes I just wish promo announcers talked more in Seussical rhyme, and less in "THE MOST DRAMATIC VOICE TO EMPHASIZE HOW SUPER SERIOUS AND HEARTBREAKING THIS EPISODE IS EVER!!!" You know what I mean? The information goes down easier that way, and we all remember that this is a silly, seems-like-anything-but-reality dating show.
That, and a girl's got to find some way to exercise her brain. And watching this show AIN'T IT. But who needs exercise? Let's get to the schmoozing, schmooching, and schmucking! But first, some math:
J + Captain Hook = Beachtime Adventures 4EVADate Number 1:
Kiptyn goes first. Again. He was first in Spain as well, which leads a blogger to wonder: is this date schedule a drawing of straws type of situation? Or a clever tactic designed to make Mr. Perfect, in his #1 spot for the second time in a row, seem all the more like a leader of the pack?
Jillian says, of all Kiptyn's 2,000+ gorgeous bones, the one she's still unsure about is the one that might lead him astray down the road. In other words, she's afraid that, even though she's the one on TV picking 'em, when the cameras are off, it might be Kiptyn who has HIS pick of the veritable litter, and would she really be his prize pup? In other, OTHER words: she's afraid he's too good for her and will deem her dump-worthy.
To find out, Jill takes Kip to a ropes course to learn about trust and adventure, or something. After each securing their pretty butterfly helmets and hooking up to some very-secure-looking ropes, Jill volunteers to cross the very-high-up bridge of terror, then chickens out and sends Kiptyn over first. He flies across with ease, and then turns to coach Ms. Spontaneous across. He thinks they compliment each other... in that he's a whiz at this, and she would rather get down now, have a picnic, drink some chardonnay, and make out, thank you very much. What's a Bachelorette gotta do around here to get an f'ing strawberry hand-fed to her on a white sand beach? Okay, in all seriousness, they have a lot of fun until the final challenge, "The Leap of Faith," which is basically a telephone pole next to a trapeze bar. You climb the pole and jump a few feet to grab the bar. Kiptyn coaches Jillian up, and she really wants that make-out by this point. "Promise you'll give me a big kiss when we get down!" she says. Yeah, okay, Jillian. She can already taste the chardonnay, so jonesing is this woman to be done with this part of the date. I can't argue with her there. Finally, they jump. Jill doesn't get close, while Kip catches the bar. Women across America cringe and say, "C'mon, Jill, you're making us look bad. You weren't even close!"
But Kiptyn ain't care none. He was just happy she went for it at all, and they made a good team, because 'good team' means making men look awesome and women look scared and desperate for any sign of intimacy through physical affection. They end the afternoon with a picnic of strawberries and wine on a white sand beach. Perfect.
Now it's dinner-time, and Jillian is wearing... a one-piece black jumpsuit. Sorry, lady, five minutes ago you proved you're neither Catwoman nor one of Charlie's Angels. During dinner, Kiptyn and Jill chat about their day. "I try to be too strong sometimes, and I'm really not," says Jill. "That was deep," says Kiptyn. (Translation: "That was not at all deep, and you're not very good at pretending. Can I go home now?")
It's time to play "Find Kiptyn's Flaws!" Kiptyn is the one who has to play. It's a confusing game, because if you win (meaning: you find them), you lose (meaning: you get sent home). Very tricky. He says his flaws are flamenco dancing (seriously), having low patience when things go wrong (Let me translate that with my "Ace your Office Interview by Disguising your Virtues as Flaws" dictionary: "I do everything right, so I can't stand when others mess up!"), and playing Hokey Pokey in his past relationships ("You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you never return her voicemails.") Jillian: "Yeeeeah." [Direct quote.]
She says she trusts Kiptyn the most of all the men, but she also thinks he will leave her and break her heart. "Trust." Yes, Jill, "trust." We should call you Dr. Trusty McSelf-Esteem, PhD, because you know so much about it. Kiptyn reassures her that he's in it to win it, or something. Jill then pulls the magic sexy time envelope out of her napkin. It's another fantasy suite invitation from Chris Harrison. (SURPRISE!)This portion of the recap requires special instructions:
Let's play our own game. Decode ABC prime-time euphemistic double-speak by inserting the words "SOME BONING"
anywhere I use "quotation marks." When I want you to do this again later on, I will simply say: WELCOME TO THE BONE ZONE!
Got it? Okay, let's go:
Kiptyn says he was itching in Spain for "the chance to go to the fantasy suite," and he's still down with "spending more quality time together" now. Jillian agrees that this is a great opportunity for "them to connect." Neither can wait to get "their night" started, so they kiss before finally closing the doors on the fantasy suite and engaging in "a night of delicate romance and interpersonal connection."
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