Big Brother 11 is underway, which means it’s time for TV episodes that are days behind the actual stuff going on inside the house.  Thanks to the 24/7 live feeds, fans following online already know what happens when Jessie enters the house, who he nominated, who the players for the Power of Veto competition are, who won the PoV and whether the PoV was used or not.  People who only watch TV just get to see a pregnant Julie Chen use the term “:super wedgie.:

'Big Brother 11' Week 1 Nominations Recap

This isn’t to say Big Brother 11 doesn’t have some intrinsic value on TV.  Past seasons have taught us that the editors have a whimsical sense of humor, and they look for ways to put scenes together to make these houseguests look as foolish as possible.  And believe me, those editors earn every penny they make.

As soon as Jessie walks into the Big Brother house, Kevin and Lydia instantly hate him.  Jessie’s idiotic showboating doesn’t help matters.  Somehow the steroids have depleted even more brain cells in the past year.  Ronnie tries to bond with Jessie while also claiming he’s smarter than the meathead.  Um, newsflash Ronnie, a papaya is smarter than Jessie.

Lydia can barely muster the words to suck up to Jessie when he claims his dream is to become a WWE wrestler.  First, he’s too short, and second, the WWE already has a former reality star with Mike Mizanin from The Real World.  Lydia comes back with a Zeus reference that almost certainly goes over Jessie’s head.  Jessie reveals that being the first Head of Household is bittersweet because everyone hates you.  People would hate Jessie anyway.

Ronnie whines about how hard high school was for him, but his “Dork” shirt and crappy faux hawk aren’t helping matters.  Jordan pretends that she treats everyone equally, which I know is a lie.

Ronnie decides to be the first doucehbag of the game by going up to Jessie’s HoH room and selling out his Brainiac teammates to save himself.  When he used Revenge of the Nerds as a metaphor, I was amused, but then he used Star Wars, and I’m already done with Ronnie as a human being in this game.

People may have called Ronnie a dork in high school based solely on his appearance, but if they got to know him, they’d still think he was a dork.

Molly and Ducky (aka Lydia and Kevin) hang out on the hammock and discuss high school and judging people based on their appearances.  They think they can bond with Jessie because he’s also judged based on his appearance as a big meathead.  The difference is that Jessie really is that stupid, as last season proved.  Actually, I suspect Kevin might really be what he looks like too.

'Big Brother 11' Week 1 Nominations Recap

How does Jessie get along with his clique?  As expected, he and Russell think they can team up and dominate the game.  Jessie and Natalie have a mini blow-up over a game of chess which ends with Jessie seeing a lot of himself in Natalie.  Or maybe he’d like to.

Jessie, Natalie, Ronnie and Chima meet up to propose the classic Pawn Theory.  Ronnie is at least smart enough to know that being the pawn is the dumbest idea ever, so he tries to throw Michele into that place.  After 10 seasons, why the hell is this Pawn Theory still in play when it never works.  The only time it was a decent idea was with Nakomis’ Six-Finger Plan, which to this day remains, in my mind, the single greatest strategy in Big Brother history.

Have and Have-Not Competition:

There are no food competitions, because this season it’s about being a part of the In Crowd where you get perks and the Out Crowd where you must suffer.  As the winning clique, the Athletes are automatically safe.

The backyard is designed like a rave, and the cliques must arrange a series of pipes to get the Rave Juice from one side to another so they can live in ecstasy.  I guess the competition designers for this season are a bunch of drug addicts.

The Off Beats rock it thanks to Casey’s fifth grade teaching ability.  Ronnie takes the lead for the Nerds and screws it up as much as he can.  This dork gives us real nerds a bad name.  Despite not understanding the term “180 degrees,” Jordan and her team finish in second, leaving the Nerds in the Out Crowd.

Being a Have-Not means the Nerds are eating Slop, only taking cold showers, and sleeping in the most uncomfortable room for the whole week.  Their room is very minimalist, and I’m pretty sure it would be a luxury apartment in Norway.  Chima freaks out and whines like she’s a diva princess.

The ladies have a bikini contest and Jessie says he’s not buying Laura’s great big giant boobies.  The ladies are all trying to butter Jessie up, and Lydia does it literally by giving him a deep-tissue massage.

Big Brother 11 Nomination Time!

Russell, Jessie and Natalie meet up to debate nominees.  Where is Jeff?  He is noticeably absent in this episode, especially from the Jock meetings.  Although since the game is designed so that, if you win HoH, your whole clique is safe, Jeff probably realizes that he doesn’t need to suck up to his team because they would be idiots to turn against him.  The only problem with that strategy is that Jessie, Russell and Natalie probably are idiots.

One of the Nerds is going up as a pawn, and the other one is either Lydia or Laura.  The guys thinks Lydia is playing the game better, but they clearly don’t understand that actually playing the game in the beginning is the opposite of playing the game.  Laura hiding in the background and acting like a big-breasted dumb-dumb is actually a better bit of gameplay this early.

Finally, it’s the most boring five minutes in TV.  A person pulls a key out of a box, reads a name, and spins the Lazy Susan so the next person can pull a key, read a name and spin the table.  They pull, read and spin seven times, because at least the other Jocks get their keys automatically.

The nominees are…LYDIA AND CHIMA.

Lydia is too smart and Chima is too much of a diva.  If being smarter than Jessie is cause for being nominated, then I’m surprised the goldfish in his HoH room wasn’t nominated.

On Tuesday, find out who wins the Power of Veto and whether it will be used.  Or check out our spoiler to learn the results right now.

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