It’s finally here! Like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, I’ve been waiting all year to put my eye out with the BB gun known as Big Brother 11. I love to hate houseguests, I love to fall in love with people I thought I’d hate, and I love observing this insane social experiment in all its glory.
This season the experiment is about cliques, with the houseguests divided into four subgroups. There was an episode of the new sitcom Better Off Ted where the boss randomly assigned all employees one of four themes for their cubicles, and instantly the employees formed cliques around each random theme, even though they had no interest in astronauts or cats.
The moral was that, if you create random subdivisions, people will inherently form tight bonds with those who they would otherwise have nothing in common with. Big Brother 11 hopes to prove the same hypothesis, that people are sheep, willing to blindly accept and bond with whomever they are told to group with.
Julie Chen makes a nice joke about being pregnant while wearing the most ridiculous black dress that only drapes over one shoulder. But before the show starts, it’s time for obviously staged vignettes where the houseguests are given their keys.
Jeff is a major league jock, Ronnie is obscenely nerdy and geeks out over his key. Jordan is a total ditz and Natalie is feisty and into martial arts.
Kevin is gayer than Christmas. Imagine the gayest thing you can, multiply it by 10, and that’s Kevin. Chima might be smart, but she also seems like a Deal or No Deal model.
Braden is a part-time surfer and full-time douchebag. Michele works in a lab, mixing chemicals, and she also looks exactly like Ginnifer Goodwin, so I’m in love with her.
Russell is an MMA fighter who looks exactly like an MMA fighter should. Laura calls herself a “sweet bitch” and she was the most ginormous boobs ever. Seriously, I think they’re attacking me. Lydia is the cool tattooed chick and Casey is a big dorky old dude.
The houseguests finally move in, and there’s a lot of action and “get to know you” stuff. I instantly hate Kevin because all he does is make up words. He’s “blackanese” (half black, half Japanese) and he likes Ronnie because he speaks “geekinese” and he thinks Laura’s boobs are “volumptuous,” which is either a combination of “voluptuous” and “sumptuous,” or proof that he’s an idiot.
Natalie says she’s only 18 even though she’s 24. Kevin immediately knows that she’s a big old liar. Michele also lies, claiming she’s just a lab assistant when, in reality, she’s a super smart scientist who is probably busy curing cancer. Meanwhile, every single woman, married or not, is in love with Jeff.
Preggo Chen reveals the clique twist to the houseguests, and Kevin nearly has a heart attack. Gee, you mean high school was hard for the flamboyant gay half black, half Japanese kid? I never would’ve guessed that. The twist is that if you win HoH, your entire clique cannot be nominated.
Lydia instantly knows Kevin is in her clique, and she wants to be Molly Ringwald to his Ducky. She has bad taste in friends, but great taste in movies.
Chenny from the Block finally divides the cliques:
Athletes: Jeff, Russell and Natalie, and she still tries to act like she’s only 18 and not a jock, even though she’s a 24-year-old Tae Kwon Do world champion.
Off Beats: Lydia, Kevin and Casey, also known as the gay guy, the old dude and the tattooed chick.
Popular: Jordan, Laura and Braden., whose combined IQ is probably under 100.
Brains: Michele, Ronnie and Chima, who have low self-esteem from the get-go even though Chima acts like she is smart and popular.
First HoH Competition:
The HGs put on giant underwear and hold onto a toilet seat for the Wedgie competition, but none of them will actually be the HoH. Oh great, an endurance competition. I guess the producers didn’t realize that dividing them into cliques means one group will have a guaranteed advantage in each competition, as the jocks are certainly stronger than any other clique.
So who will be the first HoH? Well, it will be a former HG who represents whatever clique wins the competition. That former HG will be the first HoH. The past HGs are:
– Cowboy from Big Brother 5, who is every bit as annoying as I remember. Thank God the Off Beats have no chance of winning.
-Jessica from Big Brother 8, the giggly girlfriend of America’s Player. Sadly, this is my favorite of the four potential returning HGs.
-Brian from Big Brother 10, the guy who was eliminated first. Hey, Chen promised we’d remember all these people, and no one cares about the guy eliminated first last season.
-Jessie from Big Brother 10, the bodybuilder/possible homosexual himbo. One quick vignette makes me hate him all over again.
Michele and Ronnie are the first two off, and then it’s time to make the challenge even harder. It also lets Miss Chen say, “It’s time for the Super Wedgie.” How can a woman married to the network president be forced to say such stupid things?
Lydia, Jordan, Kevin and Jeff fall next. A second Super Wedgie eliminates Chima, so the Brains, and Brian, are gone. Casey also drops, eliminating Cowboy. Thank God. Gravity finally wins out over Laura’s massive bosoms and she falls, though she claims it was on purpose so she’s not a target. Braden falls next, and the jocks win.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Jessie is coming back.
This is terrible news for me, as Jessie is awful to watch and he looks like some time of ultra-steroided freakshow.
It’s amazing how quickly everyone assumes old high school rivalries will be formed again with these cliques. Are they really so stupid to think that’s the case, and also, are they stupid enough to actually fall for such obvious manipulation?
That’s all for the first episode, so tune in Sunday to find out how everyone reacts to Jessie’s return and who he nominates. I hope he’s so blind with roid rage that he accidentally nominates himself.