What happens when just about everyone fights, kills and lies throughout an episode of The Vampire Diaries? Obviously, we get a rather fun and expository episode like “The Five.” Check out this recap for all of the bloody details!

The Five

OK, here are the five basic things to know about the Five, a group of elite hunters that really, really like to kill vampires.

1. They were created by a witch in 1100. There was a whole thing with fire.
2. They cannot be compelled. This is inconvenient.
3. The Originals encountered the Five in the 12th century. It didn’t end well for anyone.
4. Their tattoos are mystical symbols that disappear upon each man’s death.
5. No one has seen or heard anything from them between the 12th century and the appearance of Connor.

Got that? Good.

A Long Time Ago in a Story Much Like This One

After the Originals went back to Europe, they roamed around with Normans and made a whole bunch of vampires. This attracted the notice of people like the Five, something Elijah disliked far more than Klaus. As for Rebekah, she was otherwise occupied.

It seems that our lovelorn vampire has always been that way. Back in the 12th century, her chosen was a man named Alexander — one of the original Five. They had a torrid love affair in which Alexander shared many of his hunter secrets. Alas, their love was doomed to fail as soon as Alexander figured out that Rebekah was an Original vampire.

But it turned out OK for the Mikaelsons. Klaus didn’t stay so dead after being daggered, killing all five of the hunters before waking up his Original siblings. Poor Rebekah was heartbroken. As usual.

Sibling Rivalry

Pretty much everything that happens in “The Five” — other than college visits and trips to the past — revolves around the tensions between siblings. Damon and Stefan are still semi-fighting at the beginning of the episode. This makes Elena’s decision to go off with Damon for feeding instructions all the harder for Stefan to accept.

It also means that neither brother wants to tell the other anything. Damon does give up the info that Connor’s body bits were not found at the explosion. Stefan, on the other hand, keeps his own secrets about Connor and the Five.

So much for Stefan being over it. He’s so not.

Meanwhile, the tensions between Klaus and Rebekah are even higher. Klaus needs Rebekah to get in on the Connor/Five situation, since her long-ago relationship with Alexander means that the girl knows the secrets of the Five.

But they kids argue over vegetables and boyfriends and betrayal and just about everything they can think of to be childish. Klaus isn’t going to get anywhere with Rebekah.

The Secrets of the Five

Why does Klaus need Rebekah? Why should Stefan care?

That has to do with the big secret of the Five. Those weird tattoos all over their arms are actually a mystical map, a map that will lead to the Ultimate Weapon to destroy vampires. Somehow, somewhere, there is a hidden Ultimate Weapon/treasure/whatever that can actually cure vampirism.

Yep. The impossible thing might just be possible.

But there’s a catch. Five of them, actually.

Problem #1: The original tattoos disappeared as soon as Klaus killed the Five. So he couldn’t do anything with them.

Problem #2: Connor’s current tattoo is visible only to Jeremy. Sure, Klaus can force Jeremy to draw the tattoo for them all, but Jeremy is really sulky about it.

Problem #3: It turns out that Connor has an incomplete tattoo. The thing appears only piece-by-piece with every vampire that is killed.

Problem #4: The tattoo map can only be read using a key found in the hilt of Alexander’s sword.

Problem #5: Only Rebekah knows the location of the sword. She buried it with her beloved hunter.

Despite all these problems, both Klaus and Stefan are eagerly interested in deciphering the secrets of the Five. Klaus wants to find the cure for vampirism in order to make Elena human again. That way he can use her blood to make more hybrids. Stefan wants to save Elena from vampirism too, naturally. He just has nicer reasons.

Rebekah does not want to help, but she is pretty much incapable of secrecy. Stefan gets the sword location out of the girl, and then Klaus daggers his sister.

Poor Rebekah…

Meanwhile, Off at College

Damon, Elena and Bonnie have nothing to do with all of this. Bonnie has gone to Whitmore College in order to meet her grandmother’s replacement — the super-hot, vaguely mysterious Professor Shane. Damon and Elena are there to eat.

Elena doesn’t take immediately to feeding on the coeds, but a frat party holds the solution. Damon escorts the two young ladies to the appropriately named Murder Party filled with drunken idiots. And, kind of randomly, Professor Shane. The professor goes to frat parties? Is that even legal?

Whatever. While Bonnie hangs out with the hot and inappropriate professor, Damon and Elena start tasting partiers. Elena, as it turns out, kind of loves this. She sips on a would-be rapist, a happy dancing girl and more while she and Damon dance the night away.

But it can’t last. Around the time that Bonnie returns to be judgmental, Elena suddenly realizes she’s drinking human blood and that that’s evil. So much for a night of bloodsucking fun!

Secrets and Lies and Beheadings

Elena is still not happy about how easily she drank human blood when she and Damon return to Mystic Falls. She blows off her mentor, rather unfairly, and collapses into Stefan’s arms.

Then she lies. Instead of admitting how much she liked drinking blood, Elena sobs that the whole experience was horrible. She doesn’t think she will survive her eternity of vampirism. Stefan could tell her at this point that there’s a possible alternative.

But he doesn’t. Stefan keeps it all quiet and to himself. He doesn’t even tell Damon about Connor. Or the Five. Or Klaus’ plan.

This is all going to end badly.

It will be especially bad because the captured hunter Connor doesn’t have the decency to stay captured. Instead, he uses some mystical strength to break free from his bonds and strangles the unfortunate hybrid Klaus left behind to guard Connor. This is followed by a very, very slow beheading.

And another piece of the tattoo appears on Connor’s arm.

Strangely, this same tattoo is framed on the wall of Professor Shane’s office. It would seem that the inappropriate and hot professor is in league with the Five.

That’s creepy. But still not as creepy as a professor attending a frat party.

And Another Thing…

Rebekah gave Matt a new truck. His disgusted acceptance of said vehicle may have been the single most awesome thing in Vampire Diaries history.

What is going on between Shane and Connor? How will Elena deal with her warring vampire desires? Is there really a cure for vampirism? Share your theories and comments below!

(Images courtesy of The CW)

Laurel Brown

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Laurel grew up in Mamaroneck, NY, Grosse Pointe, MI and Bellevue WA. She then went on to live in places like Boston, Tucson, Houston, Wales, Tanzania, Prince Edward Island and New York City before heading back to Seattle. Ever since early childhood, when she became addicted to The Muppet Show, Laurel has watched far too much TV. Current favorites include ChuckModern FamilySupernaturalMad Men and Community. Laurel received a BA in Astrophysics (yes, that is possible) from Colgate University and a PhD in Middle Eastern Studies and History of Science from Columbia University before she realized that television is much better than studying.