Tomorrow, The Voice kicks off on NBC, and the format may confuse you a bit at first. Or remind you of a medieval human being auction. It’s all a little bit Hunger Games, but without the murder:
The four celebrity coaches will sit, like kings and a queen, in tall swiveling chairs with their backs to the contestant. Then, when the song is over, they will hold a verbal bidding war (or send them away). Each coach will assemble his/her best team of singers to send into battle against the others’ teams, and slowly the singers will sing-off and get eliminated until one person is crowned The Voice, and their celebrity coach is crowned the Best Celebrity Coach of The Voice Season 1. (No actual crowns will be present. I think.)
But there’s another contest going on here, a contest nobody is talking about but we’re all thinking about (right?): Who is THE voice of The Voice? Let’s decide, right now. Evidence, analysis and the most important poll in the world await you:
Contestant One: Blake Shelton
You’ll learn this soon enough when I start recapping the show tomorrow, so I might as well tell you now: I know nothing about Blake Shelton! Absolutely ZERO NUMBER/AMOUNT OF STUFF! Please, don’t accuse me of not loving America. I’m just a small town girl living her big city dreams. I have eaten the meat parts of an actual bear before. I have been to a hoedown and I hoed it down, hard. I just don’t actively elect to listen to country music. We all have our favorite things and our not-so-favorite things, and that is what makes this world wonderful and magical and full of the hatred-fueled blog comments that we all love so much. Celebrate the diversity by letting my bias slide just this one time.
Anyway, back to Blake. Since I have never heard his music before, I can’t give a fully researched assessment of his vocal range or whether he does that cool thing singers do where they warble their voice on the really long power notes. But I CAN say that this could have been the creepiest song I’d ever heard, except that Blake manages to save it from sounding exactly like the mumblings of a psycho stalker with his smooth, sweet throat-soul.
Not bad! But is it the BEST? Blake is definitely the most “normal” singer in the bunch — I’ll let you decide if that’s a strength or a weakness in this informal but all-important contest.
Contestant Two: Adam Levine of Maroon 5
Sometimes I think that Adam Levine is doing an impression of Adam Levine. Like the way we all change our voices when we do impressions, making it all high-pitched and weird, instantly making our mockery 200% funnier.
But I’m pretty sure he’s not doing that. That wouldn’t make sense. Just like how it doesn’t make sense that I basically just said Adam Levine’s voice is a joke, and yet I love it. I LOVE it! It’s strange and sometimes squeal-y, but in a pretty and special way. Like a lady. A very talented lady I would like to serenade me romantically because he is also very pretty, if you didn’t know that already.
Sadly, Adam Levine will never serenade me, because I am not a supermodel who loves Canadian tuxedos and street fighting. But if he did, I’d tell him I think his voice is the opposite of “maroon,” which is a gross, bland color with a gross, ugly name. Adam, your voice is more like fuchsia. Bright and fun and the girls love it (but too much can make you a little sick)!
Contestant Three: Cee Lo Green
Hey, remember a time when the song “F*** You” didn’t exist and there were other songs to hear in the world? I know it seems like a long time ago, maybe so long that you can’t remember it at all, but it really wasn’t. Back then, Cee Lo was just that guy from Gnarls Barkley, the one who sang that other song that was everywhere, “Crazy.” And his voice was still that same awesome, bold, unique, growly (technical music biz term) voice that Gwyneth Paltrow wishes she could do justice to on Glee, but wishes are like us lowly commoners who can’t spend $600 on eye cream: Paltrow gets neither. (Huh? Whatever. You get it.)
Cee Lo definitely wins for voice I’d most like to be on my outgoing voicemail (VOICE mail!) greeting. Or as the voice of any animated character, like maybe a cute killer whale. Airlines should hire him to do the in-flight safety speech, because everything he says sounds cool and interesting. Does that make him the best? YOU DECIDE!
Contestant Four: Christina Aguilera
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Xtina’s voice is, as RuPaul would say, sickening. (Sickening = Maximally fierce.)
Remember on Celebrity Apprentice when Marlee Matlin told Donald Trump about Dionne Warwick, “They say she’s a legend,” and Donald asked if she’d ever heard Warwick’s music, and Marlee was like, “Uh, I’m deaf”? (And how that was, just like Marlee, the absolute BEST?) Well, I’ve never asked her, but I have a feeling that even Marlee Matlin has watched Christina Aguilera sing and even though she can’t hear her, she can just tell that Christina’s voice is amazing. Like, she can feel it. In her bones, and in the reverb off the floor and walls as Xtina hits her glory notes. That’s how sickening her voice is. Or is this just my former, completely biased 14-year-old gushing all over the place?
So what if she forgot the lyrics to the National Anthem? You guys, this is the voice of an angel. If we can forgive her for the “Dirrty” video, surely we can forgive her for that. She probably only messed up because her voice was so powerful that she went outside her own body for a second and almost fainted. If I were Xtina, that’s the story I’d go with.
So: You’ve seen the evidence. You’ve read my ramblings. (I hope.) Now it’s time to vote:
I can’t wait to see what you guys decide! The Voice premieres tomorrow, Tuesday April 26 at 8pm on NBC. See you back here for the recap, where I will announce the results of this V.I.P. (Very important poll.)
(Image courtesy of NBC)