Typically, reality series clip shows come to us the week before the finale, and serve to both review what’s happened so far and ramp up excitement for the season’s big send-off. But Tyra isn’t one to do things the normal way — at least not an ancient 16 cycles into her own show. She likes to change things up, and logic has never been a big factor in her decision making.
Hence, here we are, with five contestants left on America’s Next Top Model cycle 16, and we’re watching the season’s clip show. We haven’t even gotten to the international destination yet, and don’t try to TELL me, Tyra, that no hilarious outtakes happened after the hapless models landed in Morocco. Travel abroad is when the best, most hilarious mix-ups happen! Yeah, that’s right, Tyra. I’m onto you.
This episode’s placement almost certainly has to do with this week’s new time slot change (as well as an excuse for Tyra to again subject us to her impersonations). But Tyra, ever the spin doctor is calling this our “mid-season recap.” Which is just silly. It’s not your job to recap the show, Tyra. It’s MY job! And now it’s my unfortunate job to recap the recap show.
So, to save myself from repeating … myself … and you guys from reading what you’ve already read (archive, suckas!), here’s a run-down of what we learned tonight that we didn’t already know:
You’re feeling very sleepy … and not just because it’s a clip show…
Crystal Crazy: Immediately after moving into the Model Mansion, Hannah pigeonholed herself as the house hippie when she busted out her “magic crystal” pendulum that she likes to dangle above people’s heads and assess their “auras.” The other models bought into it, because … well, they’re models. The girls decided to wake up sweet little Jaclyn, and got her onto the table so they could dangle the crystal above her poor, virginal private parts and ask them what they thought about sex. The results of the test were inconclusive, unless you count Jaclyn’s results: “It was kind of awkward, because we eat on that table.” Yeah. It was kind of awkward for other reasons, too.
Paper Bag Boredom: There’s a reason Tyra always puts a runway in the Model Mansion: For moments just like this. Before their first runway show, girls decided to get some practice and put on their own runway show, with outfits made out of paper bags and sassy Dominique playing the part of Miss J. It was cute. It was fun. Nothing weird happened. Moving on.
Jaclyn the Baby: Sometimes I forget how young these girls are. But then they find ways to remind me, like by having birthday milestones that mean it’s still not legal for them to drink. Or being unable to change their own sheets. “Jaclyn is the sweetest little baby ever,” said Sarah, quickly adding, “But I’m not patronizing her at all!” I love the girl, but if I was in the house, I definitely would have patronized her, since for all her claims of being “woman” now, Jaclyn couldn’t figure out even the most basic household chores. Her whiny voice was a little less cute and a little more obnoxious when she was repeatedly yelling, “I need you to help me make my bed! I need you to help me put my sheets on my bed!” at Monique. 20 and unable to make a bed. Good thing she’s pretty.
Monique the Sorry Sex Kitten: A mini montage about her sexiness provided a couple new laughable quotes from this cycle’s queen of feeling sorry for her own tragically jaw-dropping good looks: “I don’t know how to not be sexy.” Tough life. And: “Having a booty is just kind of stressful.” TOUGHER life!
Ondrei’s Breakdown: We all saw when Ondrei chose to leave the competition under the stress of her brothers’ recent deaths. But what we didn’t see was when she fainted at Tyra’s “teach” about healthy eating. It was apparently due to nerves, not health-related, which would explain why we missed it the first time around. And just like that, she was gone.
Makeover Mayhem: The girls caught on to Molly’s high-maintenance attitude early, and it only got worse when she got that horrendous mermaid weave. To be fair, if anyone had reason to complain about her makeover, it was Molly. But of course, as we all remember, around week 3 is when Alexandria’s attitude began to take center stage. At least Molly’s bitching had merit. And creative use of swear words.
MY BOYFRIEND’S BACK: And now I see the purpose of these clip shows. So we can see more of my boyfriend, Francesco Carrozzini. This was the best part of the entire episode:
Hiiiiii, boyfriend. No, not you Jay. Put that finger away!
Kasia Everlasting: We knew Kasia was 26. But the other girls didn’t! And when they found out, they were a mixture of shocked, impressed and jealous, especially because of her amazing skin. Kasia’s secret to an immortal face? “Oh, I use different things.” Helpful!
Alexandria’s Rap: I wasn’t quick enough to transcribe it all, but it started with “I’m not a chump, I’m a champ and I’m in it to win it.” I think i was too distracted by this to catch the rest:
SILVER LINING ALERT: No matter how annoyed you are by her, just remember: At least there are not actually three Alexandrias.
Jaclyn’s Swear Jar: Horrified and scandalized by the other girls’ “potty mouths,” Jaclyn created a swear jar that made them each pay every time they cursed. But as we’ve seen this season, that hasn’t stopped anyone from getting bleeped into oblivion:
The Top Model editors apparently studied at the Japanese Game Show Graphics Institute.
Usher and P. Diddy Cause a Riot: The girls claim to have walked by the two rap moguls, nonchalantly hanging out in their lobby. An unbelievable story, but I believe the girls, if only because they completely flipped the f*** out afterward. Brittani: “Usher walked by me, looked me right in the eyes and said, ‘Heyyyy.’ And I almost. Peed. My pants.”
Hannah’s Crying Fit: During the breast cancer awareness photo shoot, Nigel told Hannah that her shoot wasn’t “memorable,” and she got so upset (and blew it so out of proportion) that she spiraled into an existential crisis, wondering if she’d just be considered the “girl next door forever.” Girl! Relaaaax. Nigel says that all the time. Most Top Models are forgettable in some way or another!
Regarding Alexandria’s Free Car: We watched the house come down when Alexandria won her car, but all the girls had even more (and meaner) things to say after it happened. Including Kasia, who said my favorite thing: “If it was a liquor ad, then yeah, maybe she’d be the right role model.” HA!
Dance Away the Drama: Alexandria and Brittani made amends, as we saw, but what we didn’t see was their bonding moments after. They had a little dance party together that night after they found out their international destination was Morocco.
R.I.P., Molly’s Weave: We all saw the trauma and drama of Molly’s awful weave, but the story of that monster never got its ending … until now. Turns out Molly decided to send it home, so she could make a souvenir sweater out of it. (She was kidding. I hope.)
So, it turns out we’ve missed a few quirky little moments so far this season, but we didn’t miss all that much. It’s what’s coming up that’s most exciting: CAMELS!
Next week the final five — Hannah, Molly, Brittani, Alexandria and Kasia — head to Morocco, and their photo shoot will have them join the ranks of so many crazy animal shoots in Top Model history. I can’t wait. Clip shows are for the weak! Bring on the new episodes!
Until then, tell me: After watching (or reading about) tonight’s clip show…
(Images courtesy of The CW)