There have been nine seasons of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Nine seasons! That’s insane! This week, we start with part one of the reunion, and something tells me that it’s Tamra who is going to get the worst of it. We’ll see.

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Starting Off

All the ladies are looking dolled up and fresh-faced for the event. Well, maybe not so much “fresh” faced but more “new” faced. Although Shannon denies having work done, her face looks completely different. Tamra has so many fillers she can only make one expression and Heather has geisha bangs. Not to mention, Vicki’s boobs are smushed and pushed enough to look like a drag queen’s breast plate. So we’re already not off to a great start.

Andy tries to move into more controversial topics. He asks Lizzie about her past with Nick Lachey. She admits to dating him pre- and post-Jessica Simpson. Ugh, she looks so freaking pleased with herself. Congrats, Lizzie. You banged a boy band member on the B list.

Lizzie is also not-so-impressed with Tamra’s nickname for her, which is “Kentucky Fried Titties.” Lizzie says it’s crass, crude and just mean. It’s hard to tell if Tamra looks smug or if that’s just her resting stank face.

Shannon talks about her crazy holistic beliefs. She goes on about the (now deceased, RIP) dentist who puts diamonds in her teeth for free. Let those diamonds be your guide tonight, Shan. You’re gonna need ’em.

Andy calls out Vicki for saying that someone “didn’t look gay” during the season. Of course, she takes the shovel from Andy and commences to dig herself into yet a deeper hole. She says that gay men are usually very fit, GQ looking and poised, not to generalize or anything. She also tells Andy that he doesn’t trigger her gaydar (what?!) because he’s “all boy” to her. Ugh, gross.

Crying (Botox) Eyes

Next, we get to re-live Tamra and Vicki’s grown-ass kids moving away and the meltdowns that followed. Vicki says she cried all day at work after they left, and still cries when she misses her daughter and grandsons. Tamra says she was so upset because things happened so fast. Ryan introduced her to his girlfriend, and two weeks later they were moving away and engaged.

Then we get an awkward Skype session with Briana and her newborn baby, Owen. She actually admits to missing her mom, even though Vicki says she’s been to Oklahoma seven times since she moved away two months ago. This is totally unsurprising for Vicki, but still a little crazy.

Heather explains why she thinks she and Shannon got off to such a rough start. She says she was already in a rough place with Tamra and Vicki, and she felt that once she introduced them all, they formed a clique without her. She says she felt isolated, and looking back on it, she feels sorry for the way she responded to Shannon, especially when she overreacted about the chair situation at Javier’s. She tells Shannon she’s sorry and that she wishes it never happened.

Shannon isn’t really up to accepting Heather’s apology, though. She says she didn’t like being accused of being “scary angry.” She thinks it was all part of Heather’s plan to convince everyone how crazy Shannon is. Heather is irritated now. She says she didn’t have a plan, she explained her reason, and then she apologized. She doesn’t understand what else Shannon needs to hear.

Shannon’s also mad that Heather kept accusing her of yelling at her at the Christmas party. She insists she didn’t yell. Heather agrees that she didn’t yell at her, but the decibel of their conversation wasn’t the issue, it was the tone.

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Brooks Again

Vicki tells everyone how she had to give her ex-husband Donn a huge check since he was entitled to spousal support. She says he’s now living large and he pretty much hit the jackpot with their divorce.

As for Brooks, Briana still refuses to forgive him or even speak with him, which isn’t shocking. Vicki says she wasn’t quick to forgive him after what he said about Briana, but it was a process in which she eventually did let him back into her life. She wishes they could all be close, but she knows that if he hurts her, there will be no one to blame but herself.

Of course, then it’s time for Tamra and Vicki to fight over Brooks. Tamra says she’s never made her dislike for Brooks a secret. She says she doesn’t think he’s good for her, and Vicki asks what makes her get to say that and Tamra screams so hard she shakes, saying, “IT’S MY OPINION.” Shannon chimes in by saying that all that matters is that Vicki is happy. It’s clear that Tamra, like Briana, is literally never going to warm to Brooks.

The Husbands Join the Fight

Terry and David join the ladies on the couches. They’ve each lost 25 pounds, but don’t worry, they’re making up for it in huge egos. First, we have to watch the embarrassment that is is David and Shannon’s marriage. David apologizes for sending her a break-up e-mail, thus making their issues public. Instead of realizing what a jerk her husband is, Shannon looks to Tamra to lay blame. She accuses her for stirring the pot.

Tamra finds a way to twist things around to Shannon’s drinking problem. Shannon puts her in her place about discussing her drinking when she drank so much at Lizzie’s party that she couldn’t even remember what happened. Then Tamra says how mad she was at Heather when she heard she had spread the rumors even more. Heather apologizes to Shannon for saying anything else about the rumors, but Tamra refuses to own up to her part in this big mess.

Next, they talk about when Heather “asked Shannon to leave,” or “kicked her out of her house,” depending on who you ask (Heather says it’s the former, Shannon the latter). No matter the semantics, Heather is apologetic for how things went down. She wishes she had been softer and easier on Shannon in her time of trouble. Shannon says that it was one of the toughest nights of her life. Shannon accepts her apology.

That leads us to Tamra’s “Take the Beadors Down” comment. Shannon tells Tamra how bad she looks with all of her lies, that she either made up that comment or Terry said it and she backtracked. Vicki claims she heard it from Tamra as well, but Tamra says it’s Shannon’s drinking that caused her to get what she said wrong. She never says exactly what she said that Shannon supposedly misconstrued, though. That’s because she is probably lying. It’s what she does.

Terry and David get into it next. Terry continues to go on about how he didn’t like how David spoke about his wife at their party. Then he didn’t like his apology and he thought it was “grandstanding.” David said it was inappropriate and he’s sorry, but it’s not his fault if he doesn’t think it’s sincere.

Then this bizarre conversation happens about David’s alleged hotness. Both Vicki and Tamra agree that David’s hot and “a flirt.” Are we talking about the same David? Anyway, it was so awkward and rude of Vicki and Tamra to be talking about Shannon’s husband like that while she is sitting right there. David apologizes for being disrespectful to his wife. David is really full of apologies this week, huh? If I were him, I’d be sorry too.

Next week is part two. We get to hear all about Lizzie’s sex life. Which hopefully means her husband is over his rumored erectile dysfunction.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Mondays at 9pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV