Tamra and Vicki go to a bra fitting for Tamra’s new boobs. Vicki insists she is NOT the “FF” they say she is, and Tamra can’t believe she’s still a D cup. Plastic surgeons and bra makers live in two different worlds. Vicki is choosing not to even talk about Brianna’s secret wedding that was revealed last week. So there you have it, when you are uncomfortable with something, just ignore it and maybe it will go away.

Vicki is personally offended that Brianna robbed her of the experience of planning a wedding. It’s always all about her. She has cried about it four nights in a row. But Vicki has decided to suck it up and “realize that it’s not about me.” Good luck, Vick.

Slade goes for a secret bike ride with Gretchen’s father. He has an ulterior motive. He asks for Gretchen’s hand in marriage. Gretchen’s father sees that off in the distance, but is wary of it happening now. Slade isn’t even sure Gretchen will say yes. Father Gretchen recommends cleaning up Slade’s image (that he’s a deadbeat dad, nevermind the terrible stand-up comedy dream).

Gretchen and Tamra meet for lunch, and discuss Tamra’s future fitness studio. Gretchen is very supportive, saying she’s so excited about the idea and good for Tamra. Good friend move. In exchange, Tamra asks how things are going with Slade. Things are tough financially, and Gretchen isn’t sure she wants to take on Slade’s debt. She also doesn’t thinks he wants to get married again.

Tamra and Vicki are throwing a Wine Club Launch Party. What are all these things everyone is starting?? Whatever. It’s formal dress, and the party will serve as a marriage announcement for Brianna and Whatshisname. Just to save herself even further embarrassment. Oh, and this is how Vicki will introduce Brooks to her kids, too. A lot going on at this Wine Club Launch Party.

Brianna doesn’t want to meet Brooks because he’s a stranger and this relationship is coming out of nowhere. Pot, meet Kettle! Vicki tells her makeup artist that she cried herself to sleep several nights. WE KNOW.

Vicki and Tamra meet up at the party and everyone looks like prom. “You ladies look beautiful,” Brooks mumbles. Heather looks stunning as always, in gold. Gretchen is wearing white … bridal white! Tamra approaches Terry about getting her tattoo removed. Physically removed, not even lasered off. That’s why you should never get someone’s name tattooed on you, especially on your finger.

Vicki’s son Mike shows up and acts very aloof. Brooks shows him around awkwardly, and tries to talk to him very seriously. Brooks is such a bummer. Mike doesn’t want a relationship with Brooks at all.

Alexis shows up late, covered in makeup and jewels. Brianna and her husband are en route to the event. Once they arrive, Vicki gathers everyone up for an awkward speech. Tearfully, she announces Brianna’s wedding. It’s hard to tell how Vicki feels about it, but the crowd decides to be excited about it. Behind closed doors, the Housewives are shocked and appalled.

Vicki brings Brianna up to the front of the room. “You surprised your mama, now I have a surprise for you.” “Oh god, don’t tell me you’re engaged,” the sulky Brianna says in front of everyone. But the surprise is this Billy character, Vicki’s brother. At least Uncle Billy lightens the mood. Vicki raises a glass to Brianna “and my crazy ass life!” Rude.

“How’s it going with Michael?” Vicki asks Brooks. They both love being serious. “I can relate to him … I love your son as if he was my own,” Brooks slurs. Then he tells Tamra that her son is “the bomb dot com.” UGH. Tamra declares it is WEIRD. He is just too serious.

Vicki demands that Brianna meet “a man that makes me very happy,” and that she accept him. “Don’t make me try to hang out with him without you,” Brianna tells Vicki. Vicki goes to fetch Brooks and it is the pinnacle of awkward. Vicki is leveraging the “we are in such similar situations with what we’re doing to each other” angle, and Brianna rejects that.

Vicki is being awkward and Brianna is being rude. Can they ever mend their perfect relationship?

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).