Last week, not much happened, but everything was just stirring the pot for the rolling boil that is coming soon. For whatever reason, Carole and LuAnn are hanging out still. She can’t be rude. Carole is throwing a dinner party for the ladies at Hotel Griffou. The “quintessential New York watering hole.” And George, Aviva’s dad, is coming! He already came this morning, too.

LuAnn, like all the other women, enjoys the attention George affords her. And Jacques isn’t coming. Sonja is wearing an adorable headband for the holidays! And George is sitting next to LuAnn. Delightful. At the white elephant gift exchange, George turns everything into a sex thing. Granted, one of the gifts was a ball gag.

Then one of the gifts is … a lizard! Carole will keep the lizard, which scares everyone else more than George. Good party, Carole.

Hip Heather is getting all ready for her photo shoot she’s providing to Sonja. Sonja is not there on time for the photo shoot. You know, the one she insisted on a second set-up for? Heather is exasperated. Sonja arrives an hour late, and wastes time telling people how to cook in a toaster oven. She’s a mess, and Sonja and Heather are at each other’s throats. This is a free gig, Sonja, don’t be a mess.

So, what are we all about to learn? Don’t mix business with pleasure. Also, don’t bring your entourage with you to change your tampon. Christ. That is so foul. Then she complains that she might pass out as Heather takes calls to tell her friends how busy and important she is. They are both the absolute worst.

The shoot finally begins, and Sonja is “a breeze” when it comes to modeling, according to Heather. But Sonja doesn’t want to do “Heather’s idea,” she wants to execute HER vision. Her vision is laying on top of the toaster oven, with it gaping open, and Sonja’s shoe dangling off the edge of the table.

“Look at THAT,” they both say to their idea. Then Heather accuses Sonja of not giving her credit for the campaign. Everyone just needs to calm down. In the end, Sonja declares that “me with the toaster oven is sufficient.”

Carole has another party, inviting all the Housewives over again. Sonja wears her giant hat, Ramona brings wine, and Carole wants to order pizza because she is COOL and everyone says no, thank you but do you have a salad. Carole has a bowl of M&Ms that are customized to each Housewife. Adorable! And cool! Trying to accommodate, Carole orders four salads, but they only provide one.

Carole invites the women to St. Bart’s and they all seem game, except Aviva who “doesn’t go on girls’ trips,” because she and Reid are so attached. She doesn’t want to take the little plane, she doesn’t want to go on a boat, she doesn’t want to be away from Reid, she doesn’t want to hang out with these awful women. Aviva doesn’t know if she can summon the strength. Naturally, this is Ramona’s self-appointed place to shine.

“We can HELP you,” she tells Aviva, wide-eyed. The Countess agrees, this would be good for Aviva. Aviva compares this trip to going into a snake pit, and she’s probably not that far off. What the HELL is Heather wearing, by the way. Everyone else looks fab, but Heather is wearing a sweatshirt and garish makeup? Ramona threatens Aviva with the idea that if she doesn’t go, everyone will talk about her. It’s sad, but true.

Ha ha! Ramona is having a party to launch her new red wine, which she will never drink, and she is on the cover of two … magazines? I have no idea what magazines those are, or who is on the cover, but they are most certainly not Ramona. Speaking of photos, Ramona pulls Sonja aside to ask her “what really happened” at the shoot that she was “blackballed from.”

They gang up against Heather, and deem her a steamroller who doesn’t do anything. Satisfied with themselves, they break away to say hello to Heather and LuAnn. They all note that one of the covers looks like Avery, because someone airbrushed the shit out of it.

But this is Ramona’s party, so she won’t take her fangs out of it just yet. Sonja and Heather agreed to move forward, but Ramona stepped in to bring them right back to a place of disagreement. Ramona pulls Heather aside to talk about the “pact” they made. Heather should have TOLD Ramona she didn’t want her at the shoot! Then Ramona freaked out, and stepped off. Sonja tried, unsuccessfully, to play both sides, and everyone worked themselves into a fine lather.

Ramona flies around the room of her party, trying to turn everyone against Heather and keeping the mood volatile. Sonja tries to laugh, but Ramona won’t have it.

OK so now there’s another party? An art show? It looks kind of dank, but it’s a Sonja party. Heather is wearing garish lipstick and a sparkly shirt from the juniors department again. Aviva approaches LuAnn about the mean ol’ trick she pulled on Ramona at the wine tasting event. The Countess insists it’s a game, but Aviva is not buying it. She tries to confront Jacques about it, who interrupts by playing and singing at the piano. What a guy.

Jacques and LuAnn leave, and Ramona, still not in on why the wine game was mean, questions the authenticity of Jacques’s accent. Heather walks off, finds Carole, and complains about Ramona’s complaining. Carole will not get involved. “It’s clearly not right talking about someone behind their back right after they leave the room,” she says, a wall away from Aviva. Then Ramona positions herself at Heather’s shoulder, makes a comment, and walks off.

Heather complains that Ramona will say a comment, then walk away, and Mario asks what’s going on. Heather complains that people aren’t nice, then says Ramona is being crazy. “You can’t tell Mario his wife is acting crazy,” Aviva says. “Whatever, Aviva,” Heather says. Everyone needs to go home and act more like Carole.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).