Hey remember halfway through last week’s episode when Aviva arrived at St. Barths and started acting all salty for no reason? Yeah, me too. That was some good Real Housewives. The kind of stuff we can only hope will happen under just the right combination of anxiety, medication, and expectations. Anyway, Aviva called Ramona and Sonja white trash and regretted it a little but didn’t apologize or take it back. And that’s where we’re at!

“The group became co-ed,” Aviva says smugly, as Russ has sat down for breakfast with her, Carole, and Reid. Ramona says in a confessional that it’s “Psychology 101” that when a man enters a group of women, EVERYTHING CHANGES. Ramona tells Sonja, incensed, that “THE BOYS” were having breakfast there. Sonja will not apologize for venting her anxiety on her vacation. “What about me!” Sonja asks, and it’s about time these women started asking that, right?

Then there was a discussion between Ramona and Sonja: what is white trash? They agree that they’re white, but they grew up in nice homes, they’re self-made, what is so trashy about that? Sonja demands that Ramona Google it, so she goes to get her iPad. The search results indicate that it is a slur for poor white people, and they agree that they’re not poor, or hillbillies. Lesson NOT learned.

Carole shows up to fetch Ramona and Sonja for the day, and Ramona confronts her about her possibly having plans that involved men. “I DON’T GET IT,” Ramona, the deflated balloon, tells Carole. Carole is handling things calmly, but then Aviva steps in. Oh, and Aviva is wearing her high-heeled leg, so you know she means business.

“I COULDN’T HELP BUT OVERHEAR,” Aviva booms, still all hopped up on Chaka Khan. “Is this another warm welcome, Ramona? Is this another warm welcome?” she spits. Jesus. This woman. Who is she? Not the passive Aviva who cycles for the children in New York! But the real question is: who has the best swimsuit cover-up? Carole, in my opinion.

Then Aviva attacked Ramonja’s drinking, and that was too tender a wound. She called it “partying,” like some stiff-collared RA, then told them, “you can’t handle the truth.” Then, Aviva got even more preposterous, telling the girls she expected a banner (yes, a banner!), that said, “WELCOME, AVIVA. YOU DID IT. RAH RAH.” Or was that, You did it, #rahrah.

Then Aviva carried on, mentioning that in addition to the Partying, there was also Sex Acts happening on this trip. They brought Guys home from Bars to sodomize them. Ramona couldn’t resist the opportunity to mention Luann’s indiscretion, but Aviva was more about attacking Sonja. What a crazy mixed up island.

Finally, the women got to lunch at the restaurant Carole went to 10 years ago with her husband. Carole tried to smooth things over, and Sonja said not to speak for her. Everyone was prickly at this lunch. They haven’t been partying enough. Luann says, extremely rushed and awkwardly, “EXCUSEMEFORONESECOND, I think I have to ask my girlfriend a question,” then gets up to ask Cat a question in her secret language (French).

Ramona and Sonja follow suit, incredibly rudely, but they don’t have anyone to ask a question to or anywhere to go, so they just stand to the side and giggle rudely about Aviva’s comment about drinking and dancing on tables. How wrong this Aviva person was! That’s exactly what they wanted to do and they have already done it! In pirate costume!

Heather tells Aviva to stop talking about it unless she wants this to continue to be a sh*tfest. They agree that the recurring cast members are too stupid to be reasoned with. Then, to change the subject, Aviva tried to talk more about her plane ride and how pleased she was that it gave her the thrill of the anxiety without the sweet release of death. Luann notes, in a confessional, that Aviva sure does like to talk about herself and her phobias.

They continue to talk about planes and plane crashes, which is the one thing Carole did not want discussed, and had evidently asked them not to. Her friends and cousin died in a plane crash. She excuses herself, gets a tissue, not worried about anyone making sure she was OK. Luann mis-read the situation, and says this trip was a lot about Carole enjoying herself and there has been a lot of other things going on instead of that. That was almost aware, that thing that Luann said. Almost compassionate.

Aviva offered to “check in” on Carole and pulled her aside from lunch to talk more about small planes. This gave Ramonja an excuse to re-live the events of the night prior. Then Carole and Aviva had little fish eat the junk off their feet while Heather found out that Aviva and Carole were going out with their men that night.

“That’s bullsh*t! I don’t get it,” Heather begins, but Ramona is satisfied having dropped a bomb, and excuses herself to go have more diarrhea. A charmer.

Heather goes and confronts Carole and Aviva about the double date. Carole tries to explain that she’s usually the fifth wheel with everyone and their husbands in New York and Heather says, “actually you’re never the fifth wheel with me. EVER. Now I’M the fifth wheel, and I never said anything on this trip EVER,” and continued to get increasingly butthurt.

“BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!” Heather whines, then excuses herself to leave.

Carole doesn’t want anyone to feel upset, so she goes to spend some time with Heather, who “has never met more self-centered people in her life,” so she’s “gonna do her now.” But Carole’s diplomacy skills served her well and Heather was appeased.

Then Sonja flirted some more with the hired wine staff, in front of Aviva, and Aviva went into it like “WELL IT’S NOT A GIRLS’ TRIP BECAUSE CAROLE WANTS TO SEE HER BOYFRIEND AND I LOVE MY HUSBAND.” They continued arguing, and I became almost as uncomfortable as that guy with the wine, who suddenly found some dishes to do in the other part of the kitchen. I guess it’s under-playing it to leave it at “these kitties can scratch,” but to re-hash the whole fight seems pithy.

For the final day, Carole’s day, Carole planned massages and pedicures and relaxation. Then, sunset drinks to seal in the sourness of the mood. Luann toasts Aviva, and the girls go to Russ’s concert. But Ramona and Sonja disappear in the car behind the other four. It was not cool of them. I wouldn’t classify it as a boys thing, this concert, it was a concert. But they went back to the house to drink more and more and more. By the time the majority of the group returned from the concert, Ramonja was red nosed and bleary-eyed.

Aviva tries to be nice and fun with Ramona, encouraging her to keep the party going, while Sonja makes confusing hand gestures to Ramona behind Aviva’s head. Carole, all stealth, sweeps by and removes Ramona’s drink from her place setting. Ramona gets up in search of a key, then joins a drunk Sonja, who is blowdrying herself.

Carole invites them down for dinner, and they attack. Fish faced and stumbling, Ramonja keeps “packing.” Really, packing in the alcohol.

They pour themselves into their chairs for dinner, and Heather invites them for a jump in the pool, fully-clothed. Ramona and Sonja are the last ones in. Sonja disrobes easily, and Heather pushes Ramona in. It probably felt good.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).