The women are going to St. Barths, in that little plane. Even Sonja is scared/nervous, so obviously Aviva is not there with them. Carole’s best friends died in a small plane, so she’s not too happy to be on it but she doesn’t draw attention to herself. LuAnn just can’t believe that Heather has never been to St. Barths, being as well-traveled as she is. Everyone is being a big pain in the ass already.

The place where they’re staying is stunning. Stunning pools, closets, bathrooms. Ramona wanted the master suite, so Carole gave it to her and Sonja. Heather wants to be as far away from that room as possible. Then she ran into a glass wall.

Heather dubs the Ramona/Sonja combo “Samonja,” which is perfection. And so it shall be. Samonja lowers into the pool immediately and starts drinking. There was a wine vending machine. Their love affair continues, as does LuAnn’s love affair with clunky tribal jewelry.

The women have a drunk dinner and slur their conversations of friendship and toaster ovens. Heather and Ramona get into some kind of fight, Luann excuses herself. Carole tries to excuse herself, and Ramona leaves with her. Carole tries to tell her, “no, Ramona, you’re not coming with me,” but she goes anyway. The three excused agree that Sonja has had too much to drink, and Carole asks Ramona not to say anything crazy.

Russ, Carole’s boyfriend, arrives and Carole is relieved to have another mellow presence. “They’re always fighting,” she tells him, “I don’t even know what they’re talking about.”

Then the women were too drunk and embarrassed themselves talking about embarrassing Carole. LuAnn pulls the women away for coffee, and Sonja stumbles into the arms of the somelier. Russ and Carole amble away to their pool house.

Carole arrives at the scene the next morning and Ramona immediately confronts her about A) her sexual habits and B) why Russ showed up on the first night of a “girls’ trip” that Carole invited them on so they could meet Russ. WTF, Ramona. She asks if she should call Mario and Luann shoudl call Jacques, and Carole was like “have at it.” She also argued that she spends all her time with them and their husbands all the time so shut up. Indeed!

It’s Sonja’s day to plan, so she’s taking them to “the hottest beach.” They have some more alcohol, and talk about Russ. After further wine, they lay out on the beach and admire the bartender. Ramona can’t lay down or relax because she has to always be fussing. Then they had shots and I secretly wished a wave would sweep over Ramona and wash her away.

That night, Sonja takes the girls to “THE spot” in St Barths and she’s hoping it will go the way she thinks it will go. Unforgettable. The way the night starts out is with Samonja dancing with Luann and Heather/Carole not being amused. They proceed to Le Ti St Barths, which is Sonja’s “home away from home,” and meet up with a Johnny Depp lookalike.

His name is Thomas, and no one is more intrigued than Luann. She can’t get over how much he looks like Johnny Depp. Evidently Thomas is dating the hostess of this restaurant who met Sonja in a doily dress. They do some more shots, some asses parade around on a runway, and then Ramona gets up to dance. UGH BLAH BARF.

There’s another burlesque show, and then Thomas offers the girls a show as pirates. Thomas dressed them up and they danced as slutty pirates or something. Luann refuses to dance, then asks for a “special pirate introduction” and insists she’s special to Tomas, or Thomas, or whoever Johnny Depp is. They are holding hands.

The next morning, LuAnn looks hung over as hell and meets up with Heather. Carole and Heather left the girls at Le Ti earlier. Luann tries to tell Heather she had so much fun because she ran into a group of old Italian friends, but Heather knows the truth and isn’t sure why Luann is lying about it to her face. Spell Le Ti, girl!

The women are all saying suggestive things about Luann’s state the night before. Carole and Heather lay out, and Heather whispers what happened with Luann the night before. Evidently she came into Heather’s room at 3 am with a man.

Luann continues to act weird and jumpy and suspicious. The other girls continue to act hung over. Carole laughs about her realization that one of the male voices she heard the night before was Luann’s. Lu calls Jacques trying to act like things are totally fine, but she definitely took Tomas home. LuAnn continues to study the pictures from last night for any sign of indiscretion.

Holllaaaa! Aviva is getting on the little plane with Reid and joining them on the island. But let’s get back to this LuAnn situation. Ramona indicates that she also heard a man’s voice with LuAnn and Sonja notes, “now things are getting interesting!”

But Ramona wants to get all butthurt about all the boyfriends and husbands who are interloping on the girls’ weekend. Carole implores Ramona to give Aviva a break, but no breaks will be given. Ramona and Sonja lay practically naked on the bed and bitch about the presence of men on this trip, but no one is talking about the presence of one specific man, Tomas, in the villa the night before. Get to the goods!

Finally, Sonja asks Luann who the man was with her last night. Luann lies, which I understand because I wouldn’t want any of those bitches knowing my drunken mistakes, but her lie is full of holes. Heather leaves, uncomfortable.

Then Luann calls her French friend and, thanks to subtitles, asks that Tomas not say he was there with her last night. BECAUSE HE TOTALLY WAS. Busted. Caught in a lie. The plot thickens.

The girls are having a house party, and unfortunately, the only people who show up are Tomas and Luann’s other French friend Cat. The one she was just on the phone with. Awkward. TO BE CONTINUED!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).