Last week on The Real Housewives of New York City, the ladies won big at the race track in Saratoga. Well, all of them except Sonja, who opted out of the bet and then threw a drunken tantrum later that evening.

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What Happens in Saratoga…

After Sonja’s fit, she packs all of her luggage and heads to LuAnn’s limo at the start of this week’s episode. She bends the poor limo driver’s ear, telling him how she needs her phone in case she gets a booty call. The ladies insider are amused by Sonja’s antics. Carole hypothesizes that if they leave her alone long enough, she’ll come back begging for attention, which is exactly what happens. Then Sonja farts in the kitchen and everyone laughs. Now that the fits and the farts are out of the way, they can let the evening commence. 

In downtown Saratoga, Sonja takes it to another level, even when it seemed like she was already at her highest level. Carole says she’s like a race car, zero to 100 in no seconds flat. And she’s not even bipolar, but maybe tri-polar. She tries to kiss LuAnn multiple times and then falls over her chair and exposes her crotch to all of Saratoga. There’s probably someone at Bravo with the specific job of blurring out Sonja’s junk so it’s suitable for television.

Back in the city, Ramona goes with Avery on a driving lesson. Avery says she’s learned to drive from her father in the Hamptons in their BMW. But Ramona thinks it’s important for her to learn how to drive in the city. She does pretty well until she backs into a car while she’s trying to parallel park. She did better than I’d do driving with Ramona in the car backseat driving, and I’ve been driving a lot longer than she has.

Miss Shady USA

LuAnn is hosting a charity event raising money for women with cancer on a charming NY rooftop. She has some of her friends and a surprise guest (who is so clearly Kelly Bensimon, judging by the leathery skin and the man shoulders) modeling off dresses that everyone can bid on.

Aviva walks in and is shocked to see Miss USA 2012 there because she just spent a night together with George and Cody, apparently in Aviva’s home. She tries to tell Heather about it, but the guest speaker is talking about trivial things like her mom and sister dying of cancer, so she texts it to Heather instead. Heather can’t contain her laughter and promptly shows it to everyone at the table. LuAnn is not amused at the ladies’ rude behavior, but especially Aviva’s.

LuAnn reveals that the mystery guest is indeed Kelly Bensimon (nailed it). Aviva wants to bid on the only long dress in the collection, so Carole decides to have a little fun with her and bid on it too. She gets the bid all the way up to $500 before letting Aviva win it. It’s win-win for Carole because all of the money goes to charity and Aviva overpays for a dress she can’t return.

Before she leaves, Ramona approaches Miss USA and gives her the third degree. Did she go out with George and Cody? Did she go home with them? What time did she leave? Miss USA maintains that she indeed did not go home with George and Cody and she seems embarrassed that it’s even being considered a possibility.

Beauty Shop Gossip

Kristen goes to Sonja’s for an early morning facial, but Sonja’s intern, Pickles, tells her that she’s not even home from the night before. Sonja sneaks in, wearing an NYC T-shirt and a hat over her torn dress, because apparently the man she was with had to rip it off of her. And once again, the person at Bravo who is responsible for Sonja-vagina-blurring gets to make his/her paycheck.

Kristen tells her she was concerned about her, but Sonja assures her she was “in bed” early so there’s nothing to worry about. The facialist is like really up in Sonja’s business. She says she knows she’s been seeing the guy with the long hair, the Johnny Depp look-alike from St. Barths. Sonja doesn’t deny it. The facialist, whose sass knows no bounds, then talks about how LuAnn likes short French men who she likes to dominate in bed, but also cheat on. She then says she knows that Sonja slept with Carole’s ex-boyfriend (but not at the time) Russ. And then she rubs black market placenta all over Sonja and Kristen’s faces. That might have been the most eventful facial ever.

Carole and LuAnn meet for coffee in the park. LuAnn tells Carole that she’s had it with Aviva and her disgusting father. Usually, I consider LuAnn to be a bit stuck-up, but seriously, someone has to point out how vile Aviva’s father is. LuAnn is also mad because she thinks Aviva invited Miss USA to her party just to cause trouble, because neither she nor any of her people invited her. Carole says Aviva talks about sex to make her sound more interesting than she actually is.

Kristen meets the two of them and tells them about all of the dirt she got from the facialist, and not just the dirt from the placenta. LuAnn laughs at her “short French men” theory, but seems a little on the offensive when she’s accused of cheating. Carole also doesn’t believe that Sonja is Russ’ type, but she just says she slept with him because she has “an insatiable need for attention.”

Art Party is Arty

Aviva is having some art brought into her house for an art party. She wants to showcase some pieces from up and coming artists, including work from LuAnn’s daughter, Victoria. Kristen doesn’t really understand what an “art party” at someone’s home means. She doesn’t know if she’s expected to just look at the art or to buy art, which she probably won’t because none of the art includes Elvis in any way.

Everything seems to be going fine, which is strange because Ramona points out that whenever they’re at Aviva’s, bad things happen. And the peace doesn’t last long. LuAnn pulls Aviva aside to talk to her about what happened at her party. She asks Aviva if she invited Miss USA to her party and Aviva vehemently denies inviting her. She swears to her that she was shocked to see her, but LuAnn not only doesn’t believe her, she also thinks that her vulgarity at her lunch was unacceptable.

Aviva tells LuAnn not to be so judgmental about her father’s sex life. She points out that even her own daughter makes art about sex, which is why she shouldn’t be judgmental. LuAnn is aghast. She can’t believe that Aviva would even bring her daughter into this argument when she has nothing to do with the argument. Aviva gets heat and starts yelling. She says it wasn’t her that passed around the vulgarity, but it was Heather who was showing the text to everyone. Heather says that Aviva told her to do that, which we saw was exactly the case when Bravo replayed the tape. So the night ended up with pretty much all of the ladies yelling at each other. And Kristen concluding that Aviva’s house is not a safe place to have parties anymore. 


The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays at 9pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV