It appears Juicy Joe has failed to convince Teresa that she doesn’t need anyone and that her family is full of idiots. To strengthen his thesis, Juicy insists that even Teresa is an idiot for wanting to talk with them. He is so charming, and such a good influence. I can see why she married him. I love being called an idiot–what woman doesn’t?

“This is the perfect example of why you shouldn’t tell your husband everything,” Teresa says, having told her husband everything, still arguing with her brother about telling his wife everything. But Joe ends the conversation with, “those people are idiots, I don’t want to see ’em around. I don’t wanna hear about them anymore. When I say something, you listen. Shut up.” Ever a gentleman.

Joe Gorga and Rich go to the gym to get nice and oily. Joe is feeling guilty for calling his sister a bitch. “Maybe I should tell my sister I love her,” Joe considers.

Meanwhile, Albert and Lauren go hit some golf balls and talk about weight issues. “Why should I struggle when no one else has to?” Lauren wonders, possibly hinting at her family’s history of lap band surgeries (or was it gastric bypass?). Really it’s just Albie who looks good. Chris isn’t exactly svelte, and he knows it. Albert admits to the camera that when Lauren was in high school, he was happy she was chubby because no one would date her. But are you super happy that she had to go to junior prom with her brother? Did you see Albie in that picture, by the way? He looks like Pauly D. Later, Lauren reminds us of (or confirms) Albert’s lap band surgery.

As Juicy Joe works out in his garage/home gym and encourages his daughter to use her fists instead of her words, Teresa calls Jacqueline to confront her about why she wasn’t at the pool party to back her up. “I don’t let things get to me, you know!” Teresa tells Jacqueline. Errrmmm. Jacqueline invites Teresa to this episode’s main event, her Field Day, and asks if she thinks it will be weird. Teresa says it won’t be weird because it will just be her and Gia. Oh, it will be weird.

It’s time to go shopping for Field Day! That’s a thing. Jacqueline wants to have teams and colors and lots of rough fun. Jacqueline likes hanging out with Lauren, because she’s not awful like Ashley. Yay Lauren! Lauren and Jacqueline talk breast reductions, and once Lauren complains enough about her clothes, it’s just like having Ashley back. Well, not quite!

As  Teresa dresses herself and her girls in five matching outfits (overalls!), Gia tells Teresa it is time for her, too, to go bra shopping. But this is not a breast reduction. Teresa ignores this request, and Milania covers her eyes. Teresa can’t believe Gia even knows what a tampon is. “I ain’t wearin’ no pad,” Gia declares. They’re a no-no until after marriage in the Giudice house. Insane.

Then Gia and the girls perform a very adult dance for Teresa and Joe. Teresa tells her husband about Gia’s request to go bra shopping, and the whole moment might be cute and funny if it weren’t so disturbing how unwilling Teresa is to see her daughter enter into puberty. “Adriana’s got bigger boobs than you, ” Joe tells Gia. “YOU need a bra,” Gia says. Then she talks about her mom’s boob job.

Field Day is upon us, and Chris, Albie, and Greg refuse to face it without alcohol. Lauren is not allowed to have alcohol, which makes her all the crankier.

Teresa takes Gia bra shopping at a lingerie store, mostly just for laughs. The consultant suggests a tank-top bra (a non-bra), and Gia wants padding. Teresa peeks in at her daughter. “MOM, GET OUT!” They turn rotten so fast.

Melissa and Joe head for field day, and Joe has put Gino’s shoes on the wrong feet. I can’t help it, I love them. Joe shows Melissa a text he sent to Teresa in apology. Once they arrive, we discover that Melissa’s shorts are miniscule. Melissa tells Greg about Joe’s apology text, and Jacqueline realizes that Teresa lied to her, telling her that Joe had not reached out to her. Jacqueline is starting to doubt her friendship with Teresa. Why even bother lying about that? Caroline is over it–looks like Teresa is next on the “garbage” list.

Teresa notices Melissa’s shorts and says, “dress appropriately!” to the cameras. But Teresa is the one wearing a one-shoulder tank top to an athletic event. Joe pulls Gia aside and promises her that he and her mother will make up. It was a pretty good conversation to have, and he treated her age-appropriately.

After playing with the dunk tank and all the other carnival-esque field equipment, it’s time to pick teams. Albie and Chris are team captains. Chris goes for heart, Albie goes for muscle plus Teresa. Rich is picked last.

The first event is a tug of war. Albie’s team (the blue team, containing Joe, Melissa, and Teresa among others), takes the first event. Gia is on the red team and appears upset. The next event is a potato sack relay. Caroline remarks on how well everyone is getting along. After the blue team wins the second event, Gia calls them out on cheating.

“Gia’s a sore loser,” Teresa of the blue team says. “You cheated! I’m not even joking. Cut it out!” Gia screams. Things are quickly going downhill, without the assistance of the three-legged race. She calls Joe out on cheating in the three-legged race, although I’m not sure the rules are super hard and fast here. Isn’t it about having fun? No, for Gia it is about playing by the rules when they serve her.

“You guys lose, that’s it,” Melissa tells the camera. But Gia has begun crying. It is probably not helping that everyone is still laughing about it, which probably comes off as laughing at her. “Nobody’s cheating,” Teresa tells Gia, “it’s all in fun!”

“Relax, Gia,” Teresa says, but she looks at her mother with daggers. Gia stalked off, so Jacqueline follows her and acts like kind of a jerk to Gia. “I bet you would have had fun if your team had won!” she says. Gia tells her to leave, to which Jacqueline responds, “this is my house so why don’t you go outside alright little girl?!” It gets more and more awkward. Gia asks for her mom, and Caroline tells her she doesn’t need her mom. She tries to administer some of the tough love that helped raise her own children properly, but Gia refuses to listen.

So yes, Gia is acting like a brat. But she’s 10, and I’m not sure anyone is handling the situation correctly. Gia says she doesn’t want to play anymore, so Caroline says, “that’s alright, you can stay here by yourself while we go have fun.” That’s where it should have ended. But Jacqueline had the bright idea to read a children’s book about being a bad sport out loud to Gia. Humiliating.

I think maybe Jacqueline pre-gamed a little too much, as she giddily chases after Gia, “I want you to read this book!” Teresa steps in and isolates Gia, and she actually demonstrates some good parenting. She hears Gia, and doesn’t laugh at her anymore. Gia says she’s upset because Joe and Melissa were mean “as always.”

Lauren tells Jacqueline and Caroline that whenever it’s just their family getting together, without other families (the Gorgas and the Giudices), they have way more fun. She’s tired of the bullsh*t and the drama. I’m uncomfortable.

Gia describes the moment when Jacqueline was reading to her as “torture.” In an odd moment of self-awareness while still being completely unaware, Gia cries, “everything that you read, I WAS DOING! … Nobody’s ever done that to me before. Ever! Who reads a book?!” Then Teresa tells Caroline and Jacqueline not to parent her child for her, which to Caroline was a message to Gia that she can throw tantrums whenever she wants and if she feels hurt, the person she’s mad at is wrong.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Jacqueline apologizes, and Teresa says Gia is 10 and sensitive. Jacqueline notes that that’s when Ashley started. Oh no you didn’t! Teresa tells Jacqueline that SHE would rather be at the Shore too, but she’s being a Team Player! Kathy steps in, cheers Gia up, and makes her laugh. Jacqueline demands a hug from Gia and apologizes (“I’m feeling like a big piece of sh*t now,” she tells the cameras). For not winning and being a brat, Gia is awarded a giant hunk of provolone. MVP–Most Volatile Person.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).