Hooray! In the grand tradition of over-the-top Real Housewives birthday parties, Melissa is throwing Antonia a giant 6th birthday party. Lucky Antonia, Milania is making her a card! She calls Juicy Joe a big poop, and it’s fair because he is kind of being a big poop. He doesn’t want to go to the party because it’s “a kids party.”

Lauren and Caroline are scouting locations for their joint business venture. I don’t know if Lauren is a good investment or not, but that is for Caroline to find out. Even after Chateau didn’t work. Caroline is the bulldog, and Lauren wants sparkle. Maybe this business partnership will work! They came up with the name “Caface,” but Lauren hates it. I do, too. IT’S A CAFE FOR YOUR FACE! Boof.

Meanwhile, at the Gorga bouncy castle, Joe compares notes about therapy with Melissa’s aunts. He does not think it’s for him, and I know that it’s not for Teresa. Teresa thinks the therapist doesn’t like her, and I wouldn’t either if I were a therapist. Melissa suggests more Sunday family dinners to bring people together. The first effort to bring people together will be the big, bouncy party.

Teresa shows up and plays nice with Melissa. They talk about therapy, and it’s clear Teresa didn’t glean anything useful from it. It only made her more defensive. Melissa had a pretty good burn, though, when Teresa asked what her favorite dessert was to bring to the dinner and Melissa said, “I like sprinkle cookies.”

WHAT is this giant inflatable caterpillar? I would never willingly enter into that. Meanwhile, on the boozey side of things, Kathy and Rosie find themselves a drink and tell Melissa about their experience at the gay bar. Rosie tells them about the very special Brianne, whose name no one can remember.

The impending RV trip is another popular topic of conversation, and we all know it will go horribly. To pretend like things will be fine and “like old times,” Teresa and Joe change the topic to her problems with Jacqueline, who is walking up behind them. Awk-ward. Jacqueline and Teresa ignore each other, and roll off in opposite directions.

It’s time to cut the feathered cake. Gia tells Jacqueline about her new bra, and Teresa talks to Jac about it like nothing has changed. There’s still tension in the air, though, which Teresa will surely deny.

Corte Ellis of “Soul Diggaz” (?) stops by to talk to Melissa about Beatstock. Is she ready to do A SHOW? Like, a real show? Melissa isn’t sure, because people have been booed off the stage at Beatstock. But Corte says he knows some people who could fix her up with choreography and the whole shebang.

Oooooh, Albie had an overnight guest! It is Greg’s birthday, but Albie and Chris are doing their best to pretend they have no idea. Lindsey, Albie’s gal pal, heads out of the apartment, bag of trash in hand. You can’t make her take the trash out, Albie! Albie says he loves Lindsey, and Chris and Greg make fun of him. Tonight, Lindsey will meet Caroline and Lauren, who are a tough crowd.

Gia’s dance studio is facing cuts! This is too much stress to have your mom watching like a goon. She has an audition to dance at Beatstock! Meanwhile, Melissa meets with Cris Judd, who has done some pretty famous choreography. Melissa shows Cris Judd what she usually does for choreography to “I Just Wanna Party.” He tells her there’s a lot of power in stillness. Boom kat, boom and slide. Kat kat booom.

Rosie is bringing that girl from the bar around to meet the family. They finally learned that her name is Brianne. Rich hits on her first thing, and it breaks the ice.

Gia is still dancing, Teresa is still watching. Gia made the cut, even though it didn’t look like she was doing very well … But I’m no Cris Judd!

For Greg’s birthday, the Manzos are going out. Greg thinks it will just be with Lauren and Jacqueline, but he has a surprise in store. Everyone is waiting for him! Lauren is nervous about meeting Lindsey because she’s really pretty, I guess? It’s all going down at a gay bar.

Caroline walks into the bar, and Lindsey looks terrified. “She’s very sweet, she’s also a cheerleader. Rah, rah,” Caroline says.

Brianne is meeting the family over at the Wakiles, and it’s getting a little awkward. Fortunately for Brianne, everyone is too drunk to notice how awkward they’re being.

The Gorgas show up for Greg’s party, so we know things will really be fun. They surprise Greg, who seems genuinely surprised, and once that’s out of the way, it becomes all about meeting Lindsey. Lauren tells them all about her day, which is just how Greg wanted to spend his birthday, I’m sure.

Lindsey isn’t saying much, just crinkling her nose and nodding. Albie is ready to marry her, but Caroline thinks it is a no-go. He is not ready to be in a relationship, in Caroline’s opinion. Uh oh. But it’s Greg’s birthday, so on with the Joe Gorga body shots!

Melissa has the DJ play her new song, which no one knows, and pulls Lindsey up on the bar with her. Joe Gorga gets up on the bar to grind with some gay boys. Adorable! Lindsey, now off the bar, is embarrassed. She’s not hanging well. Caroline wants Lindsey to understand that Albie is committed to work, but he is not as committed to work as Caroline wants him to be. Greg blows out his candles, Chris gets a cake in his face, Jacqueline puts stars on her boobs.

Next time: Beatstock!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).