Nick Cannon, in yet another blue velvet suit, tells us that all 12 acts are having “a great time” in the green room. Oh yeah, I bet they’re just loving the way you shut them all in the same tiny room and made them dress the same way they were dressed last night. There’s two dogs in there, for god’s sake. And what do they have to eat? To sustain them? A bowl of Orville Redenbacher popcorn that Nick Cannon will undoubtedly jokingly “eat” and spill on the floor. The dogs are going to eat it.

The first group of acts released from the green room are Michael Nejad, Shanice & Maurice, and Nikki Jensen. So this is pretty clear: it will be Sharnce & Maurice. Michael Nejad got three X’s last night! There’s no hope for him. Nikki Jensen was pretty, but a bit bland, and everyone raved about the father-daughter duo. So let’s get on with this result, after a bit of Howard Stern grandstanding. Shanice & Maurice Hayes are moving forward, of course. I don’t think they will win.

“America always gets it right,” Sharon says with her British accent. How kind of you to say, Sharon. How pandering! But not as pandering as the Orville Lounge, where the popcorn isn’t even freshly popped. It’s in a god damn bag. Oh, the times they had in the Orville Lounge …

Next, Cirque du Soleil’s “Zarkana” performed a curious juggling/dance piece. No one was crying or flying through the air on a big yellow trampoline. A guy was doing some pretty spectacular balancing in some white Swiffer pants, though. Oh, OK, THERE’s the requisite flying through the air from a human pyramid. “WOW, Zarkana!” Nick Cannon exclaimed with the same measured enthusiasm he musters for all the AGT acts.

The Scott Brothers, Lil Starr, and 787 Crew will now face each other for what is apparently the one dance spot for acts in this quarterfinals. I hope it’s the Scott Brothers. 787 Crew carries a Puerto Rican flag, as if we forgot. The act moving forward is The Scott Brothers! Yay! Maybe America really is capable of getting it right. I’m glad 787 Crew left the stage quickly because I can’t continue to watch them puke and sweat and cry.

The next group to face their fate is David Garibaldi & His CMYKs, Jarrett & Raja, and The American BMX Stunt Team. This spot will go to David Garibaldi & His CMYKs. I wish they had a shorter name, though. Howie says they’re all great, but after the vote, only David Garibaldi & His CMYKs will move on.

Before we can find out the last act to move on, we have to watch this group of 12 acts tour New York City, courtesy of Snapple. I can not imagine anything more lame. Even the Orville Lounge is more poppin’ than this. Then, a performance from Will.I.Am. “Bring out Fergie!” everyone said. “I was in Rio!” Will.I.Am told them. He brought out the required amount of extraneous stage action for America’s Got Talent, though. No one does a hot mess like AGT!

Will.I.Am tells us that this song is #1 in the UK, and he thinks America is really going to like it. “Buy it,” Will.I.Am suggests.

The three remaining acts are Edon, Todd Oliver, and The Distinguished Men of Brass. It will come down to Edon and The Distinguished Men of Brass, I think, possibly with Edon edging out the DMoB in the judges’ choice. I wish to see the big band move on, though. The act going home right away is The Distinguished Men of Brass. WHAT? That is not right. It should make the judges’ choice easier, though. Nick makes them explain to the judges why they should pick them. “I’m an undiscovered talent!” “I make people laugh with dog jokes!” Who will it be!?

Howie goes with Edon, Howard goes with Edon, Edon will move on. That’s all for this week, folks! Do you agree?

(images courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).