First of all, before we even jump into a new season. Have you been watching Teresa on The Celebrity Apprentice? She’s been doing relatively well, but only because people have been screwing up more than her and everyone is too polite to point out that Teresa is well, not smart. Now, on this show we will go back to the people who aren’t afraid to call it as they see it.

New catch phrases! “Life is short, I don’t have time for drama,” says Caroline. “I never throw the first punch, but I’m always a knockout,” Melissa says. Teresa learns who her real friends are when times get tough; Jacqueline is all of a sudden a “Vegas girl”! Kathy believes in respect. Zzzzzz Kathy.

And we’re picking up pretty much right where we left off. Jacqueline was not at the reunion–let’s get to the bottom of THAT. In four months’ TV time. What a brilliant tease; no other Real Housewives cast does that.

Four months before the Season 3 reunion was taped, it’s Summer in New Jersey. Kathy is having a pool party, and the subject of Teresa’s cookbook comes up. Melissa wasn’t even going to tell Joe about it, but Richie will. Melissa’s looking fabulous in that maxi dress. Fabulous and non-defensive. Joe will fight this battle for her. Cousin Rosie (yay!) is NOT HAVIN’ IT.

Joe Gorga doesn’t want to “re-hatch” any problems, but he believes Teresa is not happy with her husband. Then Rosie threatened to rip her heart out of her chest and eat it!

The Manzos visit Jacqueline, and agree not to bring up the cookbook with Teresa. Jacqueline and Caroline are pretty hurt, though, after having been so loyal to Teresa. But let’s talk about Ashley Ashlee. She’s gone wild! Let us at her!

The Giudices show up, and Teresa wants to clear the cookbook-ridden air. Teresa explains that “if you really read it good, I didn’t insult you … It was a joke!” Caroline just wants Teresa to cop to what she said, which she just won’t do. This leads Teresa to question whose “side” Caroline is on. SIGH. Teresa, Teresa, Teresaaaaaaa. They agree to move forward as the storm forces them inside.

Melissa and Joe, and Rich and Kathy pack for the Jersey Shore, and they shove their whips and “enhancement gel” deep into the recesses of their suitcases. The Giudices are going as well, and they intend to bring Milania, the real star of this show. Right out the gate, she calls Gia a stupid pooper. Classic! Teresa has had another tough year, though, with all the tabloids saying Joe was cheating on her, and also with his ARREST.

“LOOK HOW STRONG YOU ARE!” Milania yells at Joe, “You’re like a dragon!”

AHHHHHH Look at Ashlee, the poor man’s Lindsay Lohan! She looks, objectively, terrible. Her behavior is still crappy, too. She struggles to figure out how to use a vacuum, as Jacqueline stresses out about the Ashlee situation.

Apparently Teresa told her brother that if a richer guy came along, Melissa would leave him. Melissa is upset because she doesn’t want to even know that Teresa said that. She can’t win!

Fortunately for us, Milania is more vocal than ever. Not vocal enough to cover up that Joe is meeting with some “girls” for “business” all the time. Gia noticed! Gia has been reading the tabloids, so Teresa confronts Joe about it. “It is what it is,” he says.

Caroline is having migraines, so she sees a Bioidentical Hormone Therapist. That’s a thing! He tells her that she’s going through menopause because, “you’re getting old.” Thanks, doc, here is a bunch of money.

Things are not so cheery at the Shore houses. The Gorga’s house is unfinished and dirty, and a bunch of mice ate whatever that thing was that the Giudices brought. Rich and Kathy are renting a Shore house, and the Gorgas show up soon, with armloads of stuff and Rosie in tow.

More people than Gia have been reading what Teresa is saying in the tabloids, though. The Gorgas are upset about it, but Grandma put a stop to it. And Cousin Rosie makes my life Heaven.

Caroline, Jacqueline, and Lauren go for a walk to promote that disgusting black water. Jacqueline admits she’s at a breaking point with Ashlee. They all take a long sip of their black water.

The families gather at the beach the next day. Joe decides to confront his sister about the article in InTouch, and offer his support. But they fight again. Teresa is immediately defensive and doesn’t want to share any details of her personal life with her family. She ends the conversation with, “I want us to be close.”

Chris calls Ashlee downstairs to inform her that her aunt and uncle have agreed to take her in. In Las Vegas. She leaves tomorrow! But will living in Las Vegas stop all her partying? She agrees to leave.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).