A lot has changed with the cast of The Real Housewives of Miami since season 2. Karent Sierra and her fake boyfriend are old news. Lea Black has a new face. Lisa Hochstein’s fake boobs seem to have gotten even bigger (or maybe we just forgot how big they were in the first place). Joanna Krupa is engaged and Adriana de Moura is fake engaged.
Fake engagement, you ask — how is that even possible? Well, it seems that Adriana and Frederic have been legally married since 2008, and their upcoming nuptials are all a show for her son (and for us, which we’re not really complaining about).
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One person who is especially irate at the fact that Adriana has been lying about being married is Lea. Lea is not too pleased because apparently she was willing to help Adriana out in the past when she thought she was a single mother, but she would not have been so quick to part with her money if she knew that her friend in need was actually married. Oh, and she’s also mad at Adriana for not sticking up for her at the reunion when Ana Quincoces decided that Lea was public enemy number one and rallied a campaign for her demise.
Lisa, Marysol, Alexia and Ana are all meeting Adriana at a bridal expo in Miami. Before Adriana arrives, they all discuss the rumor they’d heard about Adriana already being married.
Adriana admits to being married to Frederic for the last five years in a very staged flashback. Her story is that the two planned to marry years ago, and at the time her son was only nine. He was not doing well with his mother re-marrying, so Frederic called off the wedding at the last minute, but only after all of the “paperwork” had gone through. They discuss this during their “fight” on Frederic’s work-in-progress vintage yacht that ends when Adriana “storms off.” I don’t know what’s less believable, Adriana’s story or her feud with her fiance.
Meanwhile, the unholy alliance of the blondes Lea and Joanna pull up to a Jaguar dealership where Joanna’s fiance, Romain, is waiting for her all statuesque with his shirt halfway unbuttoned, because, Miami. He tells her he bought her a Jaguar and they make-out a little while Lea hoots and hollers from the back seat of the car like an embarrassing mom at her daughter’s prom.
The other blonde on the show, Alexia, is still helping her son Frankie recover from his car accident that nearly proved fatal last year. After spending six months in a hospital bed, he’s still rehabilitating and has suffered some brain damage. She’s also dealing with her older son, who was “depressed” after his brother’s accident and acted out by punching a homeless man in the crotch, filming it and then putting it on the Internet. Teenagers, am I right?
Lea is having her house redecorated and is looking for something to do with all of the art she purchased from Adriana in her time of need. Having too much expensive art is really a problem I’m sure most of the viewers of this show can relate to.
Lisa wants to throw a cocktail party so Lea and Adriana can work out their differences. She discusses her infertility with Joanna, saying that she’s currently undergoing in-vitro and even considering surrogacy to start a family with her husband, Lenny, aka Dr. Hochstein, aka The Boob God.
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Joanna, in turn, shares with Lisa that she and Romain have finally set a date for their marriage, and then she talks about how she wants to freeze her eggs so she doesn’t end up like Lisa when she’s ready to have a family. How very sensitive of her.
Oh, by the way, Joanna’s sister Marta, who often appeared on the show last season, has moved in with her race car driver boyfriend. You may have heard of him: Marco Andretti? Yeah, so I guess Marta’s made it.
Marysol, Alexia and Adrina arrive to the party, but we find out that Lea has cancelled last minute. Joanna tries to explain that she spoke to Lea, and that Lea felt offended that Adriana didn’t stick up for her at the reunion, and she felt betrayed that she didn’t know about Adriana’s marriage.
But she did know about Adriana’s marriage! She was even Adriana’s maid of honor (in her non-wedding wedding)! At least, that’s what Adriana is claiming. Furthermore, Adriana in turn feels betrayed, knowing that her friend Lea would ever side with her arch-nemesis, Joanna, on any matter.
Before the screaming gets out of control, Marysol interrupts with some horrible news: her mother (Mama Elsa) recently suffered a brain hemorrhage and was forced into emergency surgery. At this point, Elsa is still hospitalized and Marysol hasn’t even been able to speak to her.
The ladies’ love for Mama Elsa and the realization that most of what they’re talking about is petty lead them to put things aside for a moment to toast Mama Elsa, and try to resolve to get along better and enjoy the upcoming wedding season for both Adriana and Joanna. Let’s see how long the peace lasts.
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(Image courtesy of Bravo)