Tonight, Brandi is going to say some more inflammatory stuff on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! The best/worst part is that it’s against Kim, but at least someone is saying something, you know? I want to get to the bottom of why Kim is acting more and more like Paula Abdul.

Lisa is making dinner for Pandora, her daughter, who is probably getting engaged soon. Her son Max is getting serious with some girl, and it warms the cockles of Lisa’s heart.

At home, Tyler is putting on a child’s apron (so scary looking!) and meeting Dana, who brought a $25,000 apron. Dana looks better in this episode, she must have had some work done. God, Dana’s obnoxious.They discuss Brandi and her behavior at the barbecue (Taylor’s still on the fence, and Dana will think whatever everyone else does). More importantly, they’re throwing a game night. Dana is “an incredible event planner.” Is that why her party ends up looking like a bunch of cake wrecks in a 70’s den? More on that later.

Kyle and Adrienne meet for lunch? Maybe just wine. Anyway, everyone is still talking about how Brandi said “cock” at the barbecue and called herself a slut. Adrienne lays it down: Brandi has no filter, but she’s also very “real.” She’s real but she’s no Real Housewife! 

Adrienne brings up the Kim issue: Kim sounds intoxicated pretty much all the time. Kyle seems surprised to hear the specifics, but the general idea of Kim rings true.

You don’t just own the Sacramento Kings without learning about playing offense and defense, so Adrienne meets with Brandi for another mini-meal. A mealette. Brandi is trying to get into a new social circle, one a step up from Eddie Cibrian, who single-handedly brought down The Playboy Club.

Is it time for the game night yet? Ahhhahahaha Dana took so long to come down the stairs in her $25,000 Fendi heels (and Valentino). So if we all hate Brandi, why did they invite her to the game night? Maybe to give her another chance. And why aren’t we all laughing at Dana?! She’s too ridiculous not to be the brunt of every joke. And I don’t know where to put this but Brandi’s legs are so thin and scary, I wish she wouldn’t wear shorts.

So Dana sits them all in her weird, echoey lounge and serves them crazy-looking game-themed dessert. Oh man, it’s SO weird. Why is there no furniture? Anyway, Adrienne smoothly excused herself from game night and this is really bad, because when Adrienne is gone, everything goes to hell. She’s the peacemaker!

Kim shows up, finally, so we can get to the main event. She is wearing a top that matches her bag, which is big enough to have wheels. Kim excuses herself to fix her makeup, and tries to convince Kim that the mirror is “filthy.” Ooh, someone needs to clean to feel clean on the inside.

Meanwhile, Dana invites herself over to Camille’s house in Hawai’i by telling her, “Hawaii is my favorite place in the universe. I will go to visit you! I’m a good house guest … if you get to a place where your family is not there and you want to spend time with friends please let us know.” DANA!!

In the bathroom, Kim tells Kyle that she’s been having terrible panic attacks and hasn’t slept or eaten in a week. She’s on the Paula Abdul diet! Someone please tell me you remember the glory that was Hey Paula, and how we learned about the special mix of uppers and downers that have made Paula who she is today.

Kim hands something special that she brought herself to the bartender, and–wait, did you see Kim in that interview?! Baby. Jane. So is it the insomnia, the alcohol, the pills, or some combination that makes Kim the way she is lately? Or is that just how she’s always been?

Lisa wouldn’t be caught dead at this crazy ass game night. She has an actual important, beautiful party to throw. Lisa’s dinner party is stunning. Jason, Pandora’s boyfriend, proposes a toast and he faked everyone out last time. BUT he does a great job, telling them he’s not going to propose … because he already has! He proposed in New York. Lisa cries, and it makes me cry. I’m just so happy for those rich people!

Pandora asks if Giggy can walk down the aisle with the rings, and I wonder if Giggy can walk at all.

Enroute to the next empty, creepy room in Dana’s house, Kim goes to the bathroom again. Kyle goes in to check on her. Brandi’s not buying it! She knows something is going on, and she has seen the face of substance abuse.

“I know what I know,” Brandi tells us. I do like how she pointed out that everyone is just pretending nothing is happening, when clearly something is. Let the games begin! Dana draws the teams at random, and Kim, Kyle, and Brandi are placed on a team together. Kim says, right in front of Brandi, that she doesn’t want to be on a team with her. Maybe she slurred her words enough … nope, Brandi still heard it.

The ladies start playing Celebrity, but the REAL game is the social one. Camille thinks everyone had a good time, bless her heart. Announcement: Brandi thinks Winston Churchill is a black guy. Kim and Kyle start giving clues just to each other, and Brandi sulks loudly about it. I felt bad for her until she was a total bitch about it.

Kim sneaks off to the bathroom again, drink in hand, and Brandi raises her eyebrows. “Not lucid” is a good way to describe Kim. How many times can a woman freshen up her makeup? Brandi tells Camille her suspicions, and Camille handles it with class. Brandi decides that in the end, if Kyle and Kim want to be bitchy, she will just be the bigger bitch. Fight bitch with bitch.

Oh my god, Kim hid Brandi’s crutches! That is so childish and mean! This game night is not going well. I’m not sure what it means, but Kyle calls for an IQ test, and Brandi tells Kyle to “bring it, bitch.” Uh oh.

Kyle asks if she was calling her a bitch, and Brandi says yes. Then Dana jumped even further up Kim and Kyle’s asses, Kim gets another drink, and Brandi calls them out for being in the bathroom so much.

“Watch your mouth,” Kyle tells Brandi, as Kim says, “you are a goddamned bitch.”

“Bring it,” Brandi challenges, clearly not caring anymore. Kyle calls Brandi pathetic, and then after Dana’s multiple attempts to diffuse the situation, Kim pulls a comment about Brandi’s shorts out of left field.

“At least I’m not wearing cutoff shorts that show my ass!” Kim retorts. She can’t even fight well. This is what happens when children aren’t socialized properly. Kim let her head action go all 90’s zigzag, and Brandi calls Kim “wasted,” which prompts:

“you watch your f*cking mouth,” from Kyle and,
“watch your step … you know what?” from Kim as they both pointed at her SO HARD.


(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).