The time has come for Kyle to meet Ken (Kim’s secret boyfriend). Will he ALSO be wearing a white button up shirt? No, he’s wearing a T-shirt and brought a handyman named Beto. Surely Beto will ease the tension! Kyle’s trying so hard not to cry, and she notices Ken’s wedding band promise ring. Promise ring, Kim? Kyle excuses herself to cry, and Ken thinks it went well. Maybe they are a good match!

Apparently Kim’s kids have told Kyle that they don’t like Ken because he’s controlling. Or maybe they don’t like his crappy haircut. Aw, I don’t know Ken. Maybe he’s great. Kim should definitely get her meds reconfigured before she gives away too many promise rings.

It’s Paul’s birthday. All he wants on his special day is for Adrienne to let him order for her. Why is that a thing? What guy started the whole “ordering for someone else” thing? To get her mind off of their problems, Adrienne expresses her concern about Taylor. Taylor gets upset about every single thing, she’s unstable, and Russell might be hitting her.

Paul offers that he doesn’t see Russell’s personality like that, but Taylor is a mess. Why else would she be so unstable?

Kyle tells Mauricio about Kim’s secret boyfriend (colon, revealed!).

Taylor has been nominated for a “Women in Business” award. Executive Realness! Taylor thanks her fellow Housewives for coming by pulling what’s left of her facial muscles into an exaggerated smile. Lisa is not invited. Kyle answers her phone asking Lisa where everyone is, thinking Lisa was invited. Nope! Awkward. Women in Business. Supporting Each Other.

Kyle tells Taylor, who laughs about the flub. Taylor doesn’t care. She is convinced Lisa told “the press” about this and that, and also she thinks if you don’t like someone you should be cordial. It’s very weird, this Taylor and Lisa thing. If you’re on Team Lisa, it will make you feel better to know that Taylor didn’t win #1 Woman in Business or whatever. But wait, if this is Taylor’s “core group,” why is Dana there?!

Lisa’s throwing a totally legit tea party. Ken (Lisa’s Ken, the good one) tells Lisa not to worry. Camille, Kyle, and Adrienne come over and admire Lisa’s “thrown together” buffet of awesomeness. Did you see those little pig tea cakes? Perfection. I am buying that book, girl!

Russell emailed the girls another PDF of US Weekly or whatever, with a picture of Taylor looking way too thin on the cover. She’s taking diet pills, according to this magazine cover. I do not understand this. Even though she wasn’t invited (right? It didn’t seem like she was … ) Taylor shows up. And Kim isn’t going, of course.

The Housewives speculate that Kim is moving in with her boyfriend so that she won’t be FOREVER ALONE. Lisa offers Taylor some food, which she denies, and then Lisa confronts her about being excluded from that award luncheon thing. Then they get into it.

Taylor heard Lisa say that she isn’t her friend, which isn’t quite what she said. There’s obviously more going on here, but we’re past the point of reason. Taylor says she showed up for tea because she was INVITED. Then she brought Camille into it, for whatever reason. Camille’s face was priceless.

Taylor starts crying, and tells Lisa that she’s said Taylor doesn’t have friends. Camille is smart to stay out of this as much as possible, even though they keep bringing her in. Taylor tells Lisa to stop stirring the pot because she is doing SO MUCH for herself and she is trying SO HARD to make Lisa be her friend. Geez.

“I need strong women around me so badly,” Taylor complains. She is in the deep end. She begs Lisa not to be her enemy, “because my life is tough enough as it is.” She gets up to leave, and all the girls say, “please don’t go!” What a fun tea party. Have some pig cake, Taylor.

Lisa keeps trying to emphasize that she wanted to offer a place to go if Taylor was in trouble, but with these ladies it’s all about the specifics. Choose your words carefully and with utmost precision! Lisa apologizes and Taylor melts down.

“I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM AND I DON’T NEED YOU JUDGING ME!” Taylor cries. Wow, she can’t be invited to any more parties. Taylor offers to Lisa “an honest view” of how everyone REALLY feels about her. She ropes Kyle into it, asking her to repeat things she’s said about Lisa and her ego. Now this is about Lisa’s iPad?

Lisa calls to end it because it’s getting too bitchy and Taylor leaves. She talks to Paul, who is on the other side of the gate in his scrubs. Is he drinking a beer? What is going on.

After Taylor’s departure, the women discuss her broken marriage. It’s hot and cold, and the women don’t know what to believe. Lisa finally says it in the open, Russell might be abusing Taylor. Still outside, Taylor laments that no one backed her up against Lisa.

“The Giggy is up! The Giggy is up,” she says several times, pleased with her catch phrase. She’s talking at Paul like a real Kim Richards right now! Then she gets some cosmetic surgery advice.

Taylor re-enters the party, telling Adrienne that Paul needs her to call the house. They have Taylor sit back down for an impromptu intervention. Taylor is upset because this was supposed to be an intervention for Lisa! Lisa and her ego, right? Right, guys? Taylor calls for honesty, and Camille is like, “oh we’ll go there, girl.”

“We are all protecting you,” they say, and Taylor keeps prodding so Camille GOES there. Don’t be preposterous and then expect people to agree with you. Camille lists off what Russell has done to Taylor, that he has hit her and broken her jaw, and looks full of righteous anger. Next week it’s getting even better!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).