Oh god, we’ve had a week away, but now we’re right back at Lisa’s tea party, being “honest.” Why did Taylor put air quotes around “honest”? Anyway, Camille cut loose on Taylor and it was awesome because she was being all crazy. So Camille tells Taylor they never know if what she tells them about Russell abusing her is true because they never see any signs of physical abuse on her so they don’t know what to believe.

Oh yeah? Taylor just got a cosmetic surgery consultation at the gate while they were jibber jabbering, so you don’t know what her maintenance schedule is like! Anyway, Camille gives one last point, “YOU need to be honest, because that’s not cool,” to Taylor and walks out. Taylor recovers, and makes it more about Lisa, her royal highness.

In the end, the two hold hands and promise to be honest with each other. It was so … odd. Speaking of odd, Kim! She has moved in with Ken, who loves building models, maybe. We know so little about him, I’ll just take that leap and say he LOVES building models. Kim tells us they’re both control freaks. Wuh oh.

Portia is so cute, telling Kyle she wants “a real snack.” Don’t we all! Then Faye Resnick stops by to show her some fabrics (but more importantly, to hear about the tea party). Kyle removes the baby from the room to talk about all that dirt that went down. Taylor is upset with Camille because, Faye suggests, she might not be ready to address it. Damn, Faye is good.

Pandora has chosen her bridesmaids dresses, and they’re pink so Lisa approves. Pandora wants her bachelorette party (in England, I believe they call it a hen night) in Las Vegas at Planet Hollywood. Not the classiest place to do anything, but they know the owner.

Camille, Adrienne, and Kyle meet for lunch. Camille has apologized to Taylor via text many times, but Taylor is pissed. The ladies (and I) agree that if she doesn’t want them involved, she should stop telling them about all her bidness.

The party of the week is Kennedy’s birthday party, and this one is being held at a ranch. A wide, open ranch with a bounce house to be inflated and a petting zoo to be set up and a train to get on a track and a bull to get mechanized two hours before. Dana arrives loudly, and 2 hours early. She’s here to manage Taylor’s stress when the rental guy tells her, “we don’t got no kids’ tables.” They only have chairs for the kids, and tables for the adults.

WHERE IS HI-ME WITH THE CHILDREN’S TABLES!? Oh, there he is. On with the rustic party. Put on your cowboy hats, everyone, yeehaw. Kyle is rocking her Winona Judd look again. Everyone is nervous around Russell, even Ace Young from American Idol.

Ace Young from American Idol is here to perform at the party (oh yes, you can hire him to do birthday parties now). No matter how many times Taylor says “Ace Young from American Idol,” Kyle will not remember him because she has better things to do with her time. Ace Young from American Idol does not, though. I bet everyone is hoping he’ll perform some original songs! (No, no one is hoping that).

HAHAHA it’s Dana’s gift to Kennedy! Her stepson is some random guy who knows Ace Young from American Idol and they wrote Kennedy an original song. Bleh. Taylor got a little hysterical flirting with Ace Young from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Even though they reconciled, Lisa is not going to Taylor’s party. She has Pandora’s party (wedding) to plan. At least we get to see Kevin Lee again, right? Kevin insists “we’re going all out” and offers a SCROLL invitation. Don’t do it, girl. Or you could do a GIANT box. Kevin Lee insists it is his wedding, but get real Kevin, it’s not legal for you to marry in every state yet! They go with the box.

I know that this is supposed to be all about Ace Young from American Idol but Taylor also got Fantastic Fig from America’s Got Talent! He’s a magician, and way more exciting than Ace Young, if only just because he has a cat on his shoulder. AND they got Kim, from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! You can never get her to parties!

Brandi showed up, for whatever reason, crutches-free but not without the boot. She limped over to the fireman, who is reportedly cute. Kyle and Taylor meet up, and Taylor says Camille is NOT invited and can go shovel sh*t. It’s not fair for Taylor to be so mad at Camille for something she told her and everyone else.

Adrienne shows up, and is mad at Lisa for taking her daughter to Planet Hollywood, which is a competitor to her casino. She should have gone to Adrienne first, yes, but come on Adrienne, Planet Hollywood a competitor? The group of girls is fracturing!

Kim and Brandi have an Old West stand-off, sparked by Kim’s weird eye contact. If you thought Kim acted weird before, she’s acting REALLY weird to Brandi. She gives her the cold shoulder, and no one helps Brandi. Once she leaves, Dana declares, “AWKWAARRRD.” Why are you trying to get on Kim’s good side, Dana?

The Kim-Brandi feud is not one that I care about. The Russell-Taylor dynamic is, though. Russell verbally manhandles Taylor a little bit, then turns on Dana, telling her to RELAX because they have a VERY NICE GIFT to give Kennedy that will be ready at 4:00.

Of course, Mauricio is awesome at riding the bull (he is awesome at everything) and Paul can’t even get on it.

Ace Young got to sing his song that he wrote for Kennedy because he had nothing better to do, and Kennedy was embarrassed and uncomfortable. The song’s main lyric was “you make every day a birthday to me.” Brandi noted that Ace had a drink in his hand while he was singing to this 5 year old. Class act.

So last year Russell got Kennedy a dog, and this year he got her a horse. They had to get rid of the dog, and this horse is just a terrible idea. Just terrible. Anyway, the Russell-Taylor mystery continues.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).