Last week on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Brandi and Carlton made out off camera and Joyce planned a girls trip to Palm Springs. And now it’s time for a vacation episode which, next to the reunions, is the best kind of Housewives episodes there are.

Dirty Talk

So let’s start off this week’s episode with some good old-fashioned sex talk. Brandi is working on her second book and she doesn’t want it all to be about herself, so she’s summoned some of her girlfriends to her home to talk about their sexual preferences. This is where we learn that Brandi likes to get choked during sex and her friend Jennifer likes to get her nipples twisted. But I guess you’ll have to get the book if you want even more graphic details.

Joyce is packing for the Palm Springs getaway with her sister Kinga in her walk-in closet that’s the size of my apartment. And I bet you would never have guessed it, but Joyce just looooooves fashion. Besides being a beauty queen, fashion is, like, her passion. What an interesting plot development.

Kim and her daughter, Kim Jr., are also prepping for Kim’s trip. Kim Jr. helps her mom pick out the proper vibrator for the occasion; well, not really, but vibrator jokes runneth overflow at the luggage store they visit.

And Kyle and Carlton do a little pre-vacation shopping of their own. The shop worker is creepily flattering Kyle and her body, especially her butt and her tummy. Carlton rolls her eyes, though who knows if it’s at the shop worker or Kyle’s weird way of deflecting/accepting the compliments.

Carlton then proceeds to tell Kyle everything that Kyle’s done to offend her, including the time she made fun of her witchcraft, the time she interrupted her and the time she made fun of Lisa’s nipple. Kyle apologizes, but I’m with Kyle on this one: there is only so much one person can apologize for just being themselves. It’s not her fault that Carlton is just offended by her.

Desert Getaway

On their way to the desert, Joyce, Kim and Kyle are riding in the same limo. Kim tries to throw popcorn into Joyce’s mouth and they talk about how they hope they’ll all get along on this trip. Yeah, like that will happen.

Yolanda and Brandi are sharing a limo on the way. Yolanda reminisces about how the first time she was in Palm Springs was the first time she did the master cleanse. Brandi jokes (maybe?) that Palm Springs was the first place she tried cocaine. Brandi says that she’s going to try and get along with Joyce this weekend because she is an annoying person, but not a bad person.

And in the third limo, we have Carlton and Lisa. Lisa says the only thing she knows about Joyce is that she “has a small coochie and her husband has a big winkie.”

When they get to Colony 29 in Palm Springs, a compound that has six buildings in which they are the only ones with access to, of course there is a race to who gets the best room. Lisa, Yolanda and Brandi are mad they have to go to one of the bungalows where Yolanda complains that the sheets aren’t ironed.

The Water’s Fine

Everyone changes into their bikinis (in Yolanda’s case, a one-piece) because they are in the desert and all they can do is complain about the heat. But Brandi is the only one who wants to go in the water and show off her Virgin Marys on the tatters of her bikini.

Carlton joins her in the pool where she shows off some of her tattoos. She has a cross that says “F*** you” on it and also a Wiccan pentagram. When the ladies ask her what a pentagram is, she’s all too happy to explain. She doesn’t mind talking about her religion when it comes from a place of honest curiosity, and she explains that it is mostly about her connection with the earth.

A controversy stems about who is going to get in the pool next. Joyce takes off her wrap, but doesn’t want to get in the pool. Brandi keeps calling Joyce “Jaclyn” because she says she doesn’t look like a “Joyce” to her. Joyce tries to stay in good humor about the whole thing, but she gets more and more irritated each time she has to correct her.

Finally, Joyce admits that she won’t get into the water because she can’t swim. Then Brandi asks her if it’s because she’s a “black person.” Everyone is obviously shocked by Brandi’s comment, but in her confessional, she assures the audience that it was a joke that all of her black friends would laugh at because “they hate getting their weaves wet.” Brandi just can’t help inserting her big foot into her racist mouth.

Sloppy Seconds

Joyce is upset, but refuses to let Brandi’s comment turn her into a bad host. She’s hired a chef to cook for them for the night and she’s just going to pretend like nothing happened.

But Brandi is drunk and belligerent from the moment she sits down and continues to call Joyce “Jaclyn.” She says that “Joyce just sounds like a big fat pig” to her. Joyce tries to smile through it, claiming that she likes her name. Even though it’s been a point of contention since when she was young, kids used to call her “Yoyce,” a Spanish word that means to neigh like a horse.

The word “bully” sets off the drunken Brandi because she’s still mad at being accused of bullying Kyle at Carlton’s lunch party by paparazzi. She rambles off a bunch of nonsense about Kyle, and soon for some reason, Kyle and Yolanda start going at it.

Kyle tells Yolanda that they need to sort out their issues some other time, but Yolanda disagrees and starts talking about their issues right then and there. Brandi backs Yolanda up, saying that if you go after Yolanda, you go after her. But Yolanda tries to shut down Joyce when Joyce tries to defend Kyle, saying that it’s none of her business. Hypocritical much?

Brandi says to Kyle that it’s really hard to be her friend when she “seems so sweet until she turns into a crazy ass****.”

And once again, everyone is left speechless at Brandi’s rude brashness. Except Kyle, who finally manages to utter a simple but meaningful, “Excuse me?!

Until next time, when Brandi seems to be an even bigger mess than she was this episode… which apparently is possible after all.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Mondays at 8pm on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

Gina Pusateri

Contributing Writer, BuddyTV