In case you didn’t learn everything you needed to about The Real Housewives of Atlanta during the previous 25 episodes, Bravo has pieced together some cutting room floor footage and molded it all into one last attempt to get some ratings. Fans know that there aren’t any secrets where these Georgia peaches are concerned; their lives, even off camera, are tabloid fodder. But because we’re not quitters, we’re going to devote one more Sunday night to some of Atlanta’s most infamous residents.
And if you didn’t get the memo that Kenya and NeNe don’t like each other and will never be friends, the special opens with the two bickering. This time, the battle is over how much furniture Kenya actually lent to NeNe and Gregg when they set up housekeeping temporarily in Los Angeles. I guess only those two know the answer for sure. My question is, why is this type of petty nonsense included? The reunion, all three and a half hours of it, is over. Like the ladies have been known to say, “Girl, bye.”
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The Size Queen
Things ended so badly between NeNe and Kenya, it’s hard to remember there was a time when they were fairly tight. Viewers are privy to a conversation between the two discussing Kenya’s love life and her “boyfriend.” Is he real? Is he not? Was she going to pay someone? Do we care? It’s easy to see why nobody bought what Kenya was selling when it came to her love life. While spilling tea with NeNe (great title for a talk show), she claims all of her serious relationships have been long distance, which means: 1) the men are on the down low, 2) her mates can only tolerate her in small doses, 3) they’ve all been married or 4) she’s full of crap.
NeNe doesn’t understand why Kenya’s latest Prince Charming can’t cop a squat on American soil, and Kenya explains that as the head of a multi-billion dollar company, he’s not able to move. Isn’t that why they have CEOs and CFOs? Since Kenya isn’t nurturing a successful brand, why doesn’t she move her behind to his neck of the woods? If the sex is soooo good, and she’s emotionally invested, what’s the hold-up?
TMI alert: Kenya says that in order to keep things fresh, she opens up her computer screen and uncrosses her legs. Or, as NeNe puts it, shows the man her Hello Kitty. NeNe’s pretty frigid when it comes to discussing sex, although that’s not to say she’s not a freak in the bedroom. Her interest in Kenya’s private parts is quite a departure for her.
Porsha the Entrepreneur
The next burgeoning friendship that didn’t get much airplay was the one between Porsha and Kandi. Porsha ascertained on several occasions that she worked before marrying Kordell, but working at what remains a mystery to me. Until Kandi gave her a pity part — you know it’s true — in her musical, we didn’t see Porsha do much. She traveled, courtesy of Bravo I’m sure, bought shoes and rented a monstrosity of a house for a single woman with no children or prospects. Given Kandi’s drive and success, it’s surprising she’d bonding with someone so bleh.
While we thought Porsha was lounging at her mama’s house, she was trying to get multiple business ventures off the ground. What’s the saying? “Jack of all trades, master of none.” Porsha was endorsing and/or developing a tooth whitening line as well has hair care of some kind. We all know about her passion for the arts and philanthropy.
Trying to act as a mentor, Kandi encourages Porsha to focus and master one thing before sticking her fingers in a bunch of pies. Since Porsha claims that singing and song writing come first, Kandi gives Porsha a week to finish a song she’s been writing. Cut to five days later: no song, but a possible cosmetic line.
Secret Revealed: Arthur and Cynthia’s daughter, Noelle, are no longer dating.
Come on Vogue
Cynthia starts flirting with her bisexual side when Kenya comes to Industry to pose for a calendar to help promote the fledgling model agency’s business. Cynthia refers to Kenya’s boobs as “juggalicious” and says the former beauty queen is hot as hell.
It’s a mutual admiration society because Kenya is impressed with Cynthia’s mad skills when it comes to makeup, hair and styling and other technical aspects of a photo shoot. Cynthia even knows how to get Kenya to strike a wicked pose. Watch out Tyra, Cynthia Bailey could be churning out top models soon.
Secret Revealed: NeNe’s got some Hollywood friends.
NeNe and (ex?) Glee star Naya Rivera are thick as thieves. Maybe Naya can become the next new housewife. The two have dinner together and discuss Naya’s engagement. The two also talk about the cancellation of NeNe’s other show, The New Normal. NeNe’s convinced the show was before its time, but given the sky-high number of gay/bisexual/transgender characters on TV right now, I’d say the show really suffered from not very “gooditis.”
Secret Revealed: Natalie read Cynthia the night after Pillow Talk.
Cheapskate or Gold Digger?
As if we’re not going to get enough of Momma Joyce on Kandi’s upcoming spin-off, there’s still more of her bad behavior on display, although how this qualifies as a secret I do not know.
She accuses Todd of being thrifty because he didn’t want to pay $600 for tickets to a show. Joyce seems to view this as a negative character trait. If that’s the case, she must not think too highly of most middle-class Americans. And it turns out he did shell out the dough after all. One minute he’s an opportunist, the next second he’s cheap. Kind of contra-indicative.
Secret Revealed: Chuck Price went off on Apollo in Absentia.
On the Hush Hush
When Phaedra and NeNe hitch a ride to Athens with Chuck Price, things get ugly. Chuck blindsides Phaedra on the nature of their relationship. Phaedra, who’s stuck defending herself from the back seat, receives a call from Apollo during the spat. This just adds gasoline to the fire when Phaedra tells her husband Chuck isn’t in her face. Chuck goes ballistic saying he’s a grown-ass man, not a child. Chuck says Apollo is a “New Jack in this city” and he would love to school him. Chuck equivocates Apollo, whom he’s never met, to a rapper.
Secret Revealed: Cynthia’s Sister, Malorie, can give a proper ass-whooping (according to Peter).
This episode would have been more aptly title The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Unseen Footage. It’s like watching the deleted scenes on a DVD: they weren’t in the movie for a reason. When the most exciting revelation is that Cynthia’s 14-year-old daughter broke up with her first boyfriend, you’ve wasted my time.
(Image courtesy of Bravo)