A review montage shows us what has happened on this relatively lackluster season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta: NeNe and Sheree got into a fight (“I am very rich, bitch!”), Phaedra wants to open a funeral business, Kandi is releasing a line of sex toys, Cynthia and Peter don’t get along sometimes, Kim shot a gun, NeNe is divorcing, Peter and Malorie don’t get along most times, Kim had a baby, Sheree’s daughter did not get engaged, the women met Marlo, Kandi wrote a country song, Kim opted for circumcision, a stripper put his penis in Kandi’s drink, NeNe has a weird relationship with that Italian guy, Sheree went to court with Phaedra, the women went to South Africa, things got intense between Marlo and Sheree, Kim got engaged, and Kandi didn’t say nothing about a black baby.

It’s hard to believe so much has happened, and yet so little! Now, NeNe and Cynthia are shopping for furniture. NeNe isn’t sure about her decision to divorce Gregg. She says it feels like a death for her. But they can’t make it work. Cynthia thinks that, in the end, it’s for the best.

Kandi got her box full of sex toys! The box looks great, and the vibrator, “Happiness and Joy,” looks … bright. But hey, would you rather have that or a real one in your drink? Suki, Kandi’s business partner, shows the lipstick version of Bedroom Kandi. It’s waterproof, so Suki shows Kandi the lipstick vibrating in a glass of water. Odd. Kandi is throwing a party to start her Bedroom Kandi empire and it’s ladies only.

Speaking of empires, Cynthia is having a model casting! This is very exciting, since I stopped watching America’s Next Top Model last season. It’s an open call, so everyone in Atlanta showed up. Cynthia ends up with ten students worthy of the modeling school.

Now, another casting! Kandi is finding some men for her party at Tags. Phaedra is there to help, and she wants to involve strippers. But nope, the pants stay on this time. Sheree shows up, too, to complete the Smalls casting call. Who are these guys showing up? Did they come from Craigslist? Well, Craigslist and Kenya. They also hired this shirtless group of guys who specialize in massage and who knows what else. I’m guessing this is an escort service?

Kim and Kroy go out on a date for Kroy’s birthday. He’s turning 26! hey get their food to go because Kim can’t keep Kroy’s present a secret. It’s a Porsche! What happened to that car Sheree got herself at the end of last season?

NeNe meets her business partner, John, and she looks amazing! John is coming on super strong, though. They’re still looking for the right location for NeNe’s lounge that she’s opening up. NeNe wants it in Atlanta, and John proposes New York. NeNe loves to drive, though. Wouldn’t it be better to put it in Atlanta? John got her a gift, continuing to come on way too strong. It’s a Rolex! Jesus. He tells her a Rolex is timeless. It lasts forever, he tells her creepily. “It’s getting weird,” NeNe notes.

And it’s about to get weirder! Is that guy from Kenya in Cynthia’s modeling class, too? Whatever, we’ll deal with that later. Kandis party is starting! She tweeted the invitation, so pretty much everyone showed up. Even Mama Joyce was enjoying the sex toy party!

The male escorts are all greased up and ready to rub on some ladies. It is only a little creepy. Kandi is surrounded by five men rubbing on her every limb. Meanwhile, the Talls ride to the party in NeNe’s car. Phaedra arrives, remarks on the “million people” at the party, and checks out Kandi’s butt.

When the Talls arrive, Cynthia says it’s definitely a Twitter party. Too many scrubs! “We’re talking about Kandi, so we’re talking about strippers, dingalings, va-jayjays, getting it from the back, getting it from the side.” The Talls sit on a VIP couch and make fun of the “Twitter people.” Sheree and Kim shows up, and NeNe immediately goes cold. She is uncomfortable with “all the Dick Land things.” She decides it’s time to leave.

Cynthia and Marlo protest to NeNe leaving because she’s their ride. Marlo decides to stand up to her, and in the end, they decide to leave with NeNe. Cynthia and Marlo say goodbye to Kandi and NeNe leaves with plans to text Kandi the next day.

Kim and Kroy got married; Kandi is selling her sex toys; Phaedra is designing a makeup line for morticians and she and Apollo are doing a fitness routine for donkey booties?! Is that true? Chateau Sheree is “on hold.” The Bailey Agency is going well; NeNe and Gregg are divorced but remain friends.

Next week, the reunion shows begin! It looks like a lot of yelling.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).