Tonight: 10 bachelors remain in the pursuit of Jillian Harris’s heart, and they are off to Whistler Ski Resort in British Columbia for a week of chilly fun with Jilli.

'The Bachelorette' Week 5 Recap: Whistler While You Weep

Oh, and the girlfriend drama continues. But after a week of reasoning myself in angry circles and unsuspending my disbelief into a mess of bitter, jaded declarations from atop a paradoxical “what has become of reality TV nowadays?” soapbox that no one enjoyed reading and I hated myself after writing, I decided I’m through with investigating the girlfriend thing, even if Jillian isn’t. The mythical girlfriend ain’t who I care about. Give me my modern fairytale romance and happy ending! That’s what I came for. And that’s what we’ll get, according to present day Jillian, who keeps popping up happy as a Canadian clam in interviews, talking about how peachy her life is now. So, let’s re-suspend our collect disbelief upon a star, makes no difference who the liars/cheaters are.

Besides, let’s all remember that this is the guy who started this “girlfriend” rumor:

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Tanner P., giving “foot-in-mouth disease” a whole new meaning since 2009.

For those of us who live lifetimes in our weeks, or who sometimes feel like Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates even though we don’t have short-term memory loss, and it’s just that we’re just forgetful, or have a lot going on, or sometimes drink too much on the weekends, let’s review the remaining contenders:

Ed, 29, technology consultant from Chicago, IL.
Jake, 31, commercial pilot from Dallas, TX.
Jesse, 27, wine maker from Carmel Valley, CA.
Kiptyn, 31, business developer from Encinitas, CA.
Mark, 26, pizza entrepreneur from Denver, CO.
Michael, 25, break dance instructor from Astoria, NY.
Reid, 30, realtor from Philadelphia, PA.
Robby, 25, bartender from Spring, TX.
Tanner P., 30, financial analyst from Dallas, TX.
Wes, 32, musician from Austin, TX.

This week begins with Jillian still reeling from the rumors about girlfriends and hidden agendas. She sounds like she believes the rumors, and she vows to put on her detective hat and find some answers. (But I wouldn’t hold my breath or anything.)

The 10 guys and she are headed to Whistler, a place so beautiful that I’ve heard anecdotally that it makes you want to quit your day job and become a ski bum forever. No Chris Harrison in sight (Couldn’t send him to Whistler? ABC budget cuts?) so Jill reveals that she’ll have two 1 on 1 dates and a group date this week.

The first 1 on 1 goes to Manic Michael, who bounces around like a hamster on cocaine. Little Mikey thinks he likes Jillian “the most” out of all the guys, so much that he “could sit in a room with her and eat spaghetti” and be happy. Actually, that sounds like an amazing date to me, but I’m a chubby blogger who is afraid of heights. And of course we all know they’ll be up in the air in some way on their date. Happens every time.

Anywho, Jillian admits that she almost let Michael go at the last rose ceremony, which seems a little rude, don’tcha think? Like if you asked a girl out and she said, “Well, my gut told me no, but then I thought more about it, and… okay. But only for the free dinner.”

Mike and Jilli go ziplining, which is apparently about “commitment.” Huh. I thought it was about strapping yourself to a wire and letting gravity do its thing. Jill then says Michael reminds her of a puppy, which is an apt metaphor, given that he seems bent on jumping and humping all over the place. They strap in for a tandem zip, and Mike recommends they “try this later in the bedroom.” What? Like a sex swing? Keepin’ it classy, Mike. Luckily, Jillian laughs. They have lovey dovey bonding time over hot chocolate, and then reconvene for dinner in a massive wine cellar, where a very, very French man teaches them how to “saber” a bottle of champagne.

At the hotel, Worst (Wes), Rob the Blob (now his name because he is apparently unemployed), Kiptynite (Ugh, I know this nickname is cheesy, but I just cannot help myself), the Pedi-phile, Beefcake Jake, Chandler BING! (Reid), The Pizza Guy (Mark), and Big Head Ed. The invite says, “Let’s call it a snow day,” but I’m guessing Jillian doesn’t want to sit at home playing Nintendo and doing the homework you were supposed to do the night before. All of this means that Gentle Jesse gets the other 1 on 1.

Back in the cellar, Maniac Mike tells Jilli, “I am a cheesy ass helpless romantic, fall in love if a girl kisses me on the mouth, kind of guy.” She apparently likes this trait. He then plays Renee Zellweger to her Jerry Maguire (“You had me at the breakdancing!”) and she gives him the rose. They then hug like BFFs, not lovers.

At the hotel, some of the guys talk about the girlfriend thing: Tanner is there, but he just sits there awkwardly as the rest cluelessly wonder who said what. Someone postulates that whoever said the rumor just made it up, and by “made it up,” he means “was told by the producers to say that,” which is possible, and by “possible,” I mean “true.” Tanner tells the camera he wants to talk to Jillian and tell her that Wes is the guy with a girlfriend. Or is just on the show for his music. No one can really decide which it is, but that apparently doesn’t matter. What matters is that Wes is the worst, so just get him out of there.


It’s 10 on 1 time! Jillian is taking a snowmobile trip with the group, and she picks Robby to be her bitch on the back of her snowmobile. What an honor. Robby admits to Jill that he was pissed at the last Rose Ceremony because he didn’t get time with her, and he apologizes for losing his cool. Out of earshot, the other guys bash Robby for being 25 and an unemployed bartender. Jillian is pretty sure Robby is not the one with a girlfriend (wondering why? see previous sentence).

Next, Tanner grabs Jill, and still doesn’t tell her who the guy with a girlfriend is. Instead, he tells her to watch her back, and use her eyes, and probably to wash her feet. As far as moles go, this guy is worthless. Then Wes grabs Jill (“babe,” ugh) and talks about how he’s not just there for publicity, even though his CD does drop this month and it was an easy way to get his hit single, “They say that love, it don’t come easy (The Jillian Song)” some free airplay. But at least he’s not hiding anything, right? That’s what he says, and she believes him. They make out in the snow.
Back with the group, Jillian does the toast. She toasts the snow, the whiskey, and the outdoor ice bar. That toast makes me think she’s already sampled the latter two. Jill then dances on the ice bar, solidifying that her new life goal is to use her newfound fame to join the Coyote Ugly. It’s time for more alone time time. Kiptyn and Jill make out, “blah blah blah” (that’s what she hears when he tries to use his lips for talking), and then Reid and Jillian take turn losing their trains of thought (which sometimes seem to have never left the station). He also tells her that everyone has a girlfriend, and oh yeah he has 4 girlfriends and 2 wives. Ha, ha! Insert obligatary Big Love joke here.

Meanwhile, Jesse gets an invitation telling him “It’s time to break the ice,” but it’s a trap! We all know the goal of the game is to NOT break the ice. See? It’s right here!

Jill then grabs Ed, who is having a tough time and distancing himself from the group, but she doesn’t know why. Jill asks whats going on, and he says he had a conference call with his boss, who is giving him pressure to come back or risk losing his job. It’s that ancient dilemma, older than time: Job or Jill? He can’t decide. Jillian ends up giving the group date rose to Ed to let him know that she wants him to stay and really likes him, but you know, NO PRESSURE! He has a couple days to think it over. Jake is smugly confident that Ed won’t be at the rose ceremony because, you know, Recession. This show is so topical!

Jesse gets ready for his 1 on 1 date, which is taking a ski plane onto a glacier. “It’s like we’re the only ones on Earth!” he says when they get there (except that camera crew). Jesse tells Jillian he’ll remember her (or: the fact that he was on TV trying to woo her) forever, which makes her look at him in a new and special light.

Does Jesse remind anyone else of Ryan Sutter? I’m serious. And I’m a huge weirdo dork, which led to this (poorly) Photoshopped abomination:

They meet back up for dinner, and she asks about his ex girlfriend and if he’s ready to settle down. He says he is ready to commit, and is happy to hear that Jill isn’t committed to staying in Vancouver. He then compliments her voice and she’s shocked, since she sounds like she’s been drinking whiskey since she was born.


The guys back at the hotel say Jesse has no chemistry with Jillian, and Mark says, “He’s the dude your girlfriend cheats on you with.” Apparently he would know, because he later admits he’s been cheated on 4 times. Ed check-in time: he says he’s falling hard and he’s worried he will make the wrong choice in this big decision between his career and a continued stint on reality television.

Jesse and Jillian have some hot tub time and he gets the rose. Cue the steamy (PUN!) make-out.

Ed and Jillian sit down for a serious talk, and he tells her that he has to leave because he’s not being fair to his company by staying. He’s hurting 1 person instead of 6 or 7 at home. Jillian cries and cries and makes him feel guilty for his decision, but ultimately accepts it and leaves after a sad hug. Ed says he is keeping the rose she gave him, and she confusedly says okay. Jillian makes him promise that when he finds the right person, he can’t let work get in the way. Ed leaves, calling it “the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.”

It’s Rose Ceremony time.┬áJill decided to ditch the cocktail party, and instead has a quit huddle with Chris Harrison, in his first appearance of the evening. They talk over the clear bottom 5: Tanner (can he be trusted?), Jake (“too perfect”), Mark (blah), Wes (can he be trusted? pt. 2).

Jillian looks at her wall of men, and sings softly as she takes Ed’s photo in her hands: “I put your picture awaaaay, sat down and cried todaaaaay…”

Chris lets the 9 men at the Rose Ceremony know that because Ed excused himself, only 1 man will be going home tonight. Which is unfortunate, because I can think of at least 3 dead weights on this pleasure cruise. But, once again, no one asks me.

Jillian gives roses to (besides Jesse and Michael, who got ’em):

1. Reid
2. Kiptyn
3. Robby
4. Jake
5. Tanner
6. Wes

I know. Wes AND Tanner? SERIOUSLY? Michael knows:

So, Mark is going home. Well, that’s life. It’s happened to me before: the pizza guy came too late in the game.

Next week, the 8 men and Jillian take a train to… somewhere, and the overnight dates begin, which is a whole new beast of awkward. Especially because this promo makes it look like maybe E.D. didn’t leave AFTER ALL. (That’s erectile dysfunction, folks.) Yikes. I’m already getting second-hand embarrassed just thinking about it.