Somebody’s getting lucky in this, the seventh episode of Kaitlyn Bristowe’s quest for love, and it’s you, America! That’s because after an absentee week, I am back to recap all the drama and sexification that is The Bachelorette. And even if you don’t love watching this season (I do!), you sure as heckfire love to hate-watch it.
I apologize for my disappearing act, but I was in Kennebunkport, Maine, celebrating what this season seems destined to avoid — a wedding! — and it would appear a fill-in was not readily available. But while I was toasting champagne just a few houses down from a pair of former US presidents, one of the Bachelorette’s potential suitors was pulling a total Bush League move by tending to the bruises on his ego by tearing down Kaitlyn.
Former president of the Kaitlyn fan club Ian, who was the first man to ease her nerves with kind words after exiting the limo, became the latest in a succession of guys to go completely off the rails. He followed in the hallowed villain footsteps of Ryan M., Tony, Kupah and (non-evil) Joshua, though, thanks to the ever-apparent lack of show-ending rose ceremonies, the fate of the once-favorite welder is yet to be sealed.
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A Douche By Any Other Name
While it would seem that many viewers happen to agree with Ian’s assessments of Kaitlyn, slut-shaming — particularly when it makes you look like a giant toolbag on national television — is never the answer.
If he wasn’t feeling it or didn’t think she was into him enough or giving him ample opportunity, he could’ve just peaced out and went on his merry way. And that actually might have made Kaitlyn wonder if there was something wrong with her or if she was missing out on something special. But noooooo. Sometimes all a hitter needs to break out of a slump is to attack the opposing pitcher with a baseball bat.
Neither I nor any normal person would ever end a night out by telling a date everything that made our time together intolerable (really? You ordered Sutter Home white zin at a bar?), most notably because I wish to avoid having my own faults verbalized in any capacity. But I guess when you’re a death-defying, world-traveling former (Bosley?) model who has loads of sex, a hot ex and would make a great Bachelor, human decency and humility need not apply.
Oh, and let’s not forget how deep he is. What a catch.
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To Pity or Not to Pity
Poor Joshua. Poor, feeble I-think-it’s-romantic-for-Kaitlyn-to-make-me-the-poster-child-for-why-kids-need-safety-scissors Joshua. Never has a dude with such good, albeit misguided, intentions ever dove on so many grenades that he himself pulled the pins to. It reminds me of the opening scene of Magnolia, where the kid trying to commit suicide inadvertently becomes an accomplice in his own murder.
It’s a well-known fact that things never end well for the guy or gal who “warns” his or her potential mate about another suitor, and yet year after year, one or more becomes so obsessed with their competition that they lose sight of the reason they are there in the first place. And this time around, that unfortunate soul is Joshie and his lack of tact and foresight.
You all saw it. You know how it went down and how awkward those moments of silence were. And all over a guy who everyone else gave props to after his ballsy Mariachi shtick. Look, I know there aren’t a ton of people riding the pine with me on the Team Nick bench, but c’mon. Focus on your lady. It doesn’t matter if she’s a “cool chick” or an “amazing woman.”
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Thorns and Roses
We pick things up at the cocktail party in San Antonio, with all the guys pining for a drama-free evening as Ian makes his I’m-less-shallow-than-Kaitlyn power grab. The always-intuitive Nick, sensing a possibly confrontation, muses that he hopes Ian doesn’t do anything, intentionally or not, to question her character. Oh, it’s very much intentional.
Anyway, she’s like, see ya; he leaves laughably touting his own self-awareness and how women will swoon when he fulfills his destiny of finding love on The Bachelor (even Bachelor in Paradise would be a stretch), and let’s move on.
Casanova Nick, the Donald Trump of opportunity seizing, swoops in and tells Kaitlyn everything she needs to hear. Now, believe me, I get what you’re all saying. The guy is smarmy as hell. I mean, he’s nibbling on her finger, for crying out loud. But where are all the other guys? Oh, that’s right, they’re off complaining about Nick.
Then Shawn Gosling, who just two days ago opened up more than ever before when he told Kaitlyn about his jeep accident, eyes them kissing and stalks off angrily. And why has no one fixed Josh’s hair?!? All I can think about is that time Britney Spears shaved her head.
The previous episode saw the demise of auto spokesman Jonathan, volleyball Corey and Disney princess Ryan, with that opening line to Britt still being the only thing we know about him. Buble Ben and Shawn Gosling got the uneventful-but-nice one-on-one dates (and roses), while Nick snagged safety on the group date after it was pointed out to Kaitlyn that everyone is lying to her.
The new set of roses go to:
Backstabbing bromancer JJ
Boxing champ Ben Z.
That means it’s the end of the line for sad sack Joshua, who is tearful after recognizing the partially-shaved writing on one side of the wall, and Justin Aurelius, who I can thank for teaching me how to spell the Gladiator protagonist’s name without a Google search. It gets even more pitiful when Josh’s exit interview is interrupted by a chorus of hoots and hollers at the news that the next dates are in Dublin. It’s all pathetic for him now, but I have a feeling the welder of metal roses will end up in paradise.
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Top o’ the Mornin’ to Ya
The guys check in to their new digs at the Radisson Blu Dublin, where Kaitlyn greets them with an immediate one-on-one date. She gives Nick 10 minutes to get ready, which is nine minutes and 59 second longer than it takes Shawn to go from hopeful to seething, and the preview finally reveals that it is Nick who Kaitlyn gets intimate with behind closed doors.
Man, this guy just slithers into crotches! I never would’ve guessed it at the beginning of Kaitlyn’s season because he’s so unassuming and not “hot” like most of the other guys, but he’s got this charisma about him and is a master of sweet talking. He’s kind of my idol. I bet he could steal my fiance from me right now if he wanted.
They start off the date with a stroll through a park, where Kaitlyn’s abnormal fear of birds is once again revealed. They take in the local street performers and partake in a bit of the Riverdance before Nick buys them a pair of Irish promise rings. A back-alley makeout sesh leads to a pub pint, confessions that may or may not be genuine (but you ladies would all eat them up in person) and an awkwardly long lip bite.
Dinner at a cathedral, exploration of an intense physical connection and the giveth of a rose end with the taketh of a flower and the createth of regret.
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Top o’ the Cold Dead Mornin’ After
Nick does the walk of shame back to the hotel, while Kaitlyn guiltily fears she’s been careless with the other guys’ feelings and worries Nick will tell someone how far they went. But while he’s too smart to let that info slip, he’s just smug enough to detail going to back to her room and sipping whisky on the couch in a setting he describes as “intimate” and “personal.” It’s deliciously devious, and fun times and more slut-shaming are ahead.
The too-long-to-type-out group date card invites Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris, leaving JJ and Joe to duke it out on the two-on-one. Chris Harrison informs the guys that Kaitlyn is dead, and they will each eulogize her at a traditional Irish wake, complete with copious amounts of booze. Only she’s the worst corpse ever, clutching a flask and struggling to contain her laughter as she lies in a wooden casket.
Jared and Tanner read pseudo-rhyming poems, Chris sings a song, Ben H. tells a tale of Kaitlyn’s untimely death at the beaks of pigeons, Shawn laments a suicide that he fully understands after having to spend an entire day with Nick, and Ben Z. clears the room and is the only one to take the toast totally seriously in light of his mother’s passing.
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Another One Bites the Sanity Dust
It’s a sweet and touching buzzkill that makes him the frontrunner to win the rose at the Guinness Storehouse after-party, but then Jared swoops in with some jokes and a sense of stability and steals it away. It’s a gut punch for Shawn, who just had his confidence restored while showing Kaitlyn pictures of his family and slurping away the remnants of Jared’s kisses.
Love-Man re-stakes his claim during a private Cranberries concert inside another cathedral. Or it could be the same one. As long as they stay out of the rectory, it’s all good in the Catholic hood.
Shawn, unable to balance his feelings for Kaitlyn with his wounded kid soul and trust issues, wanders off to confide in his crewman buddy, incredulously asking if there’s any real possibility she’d rather have Jared than him? And then they end up in the fantasy suite, and she bangs two other dudes? No way, he’ll never make it because he just can’t handle it anymore.
He goes to Kaitlyn’s hotel room muttering about how she’s going to ruin everything they have, and they sit down for a friendly chat that she assumes will be about her evening with Nicholas Allen Poe.
Then we close with Britt introducing Brady to her mom, who repeatedly refers to her two-month beau as “a great new friend.”
Holy cow, can someone please give this girl a meltdown-free week? It has thrown our format obnoxiously out of whack, as we don’t even get to the two-on-one date! I can’t recall the last time an episode ended with a rose ceremony, and I’m starting to wonder if the final one will be saved for the After the Final Rose. That is, if any of the guys even make it that far.
But, man, it’s going to be one hell of a Men Tell All.
You can watch The Bachelorette every Monday at 8pm on ABC.
(Image courtesy of ABC)