Hoo boy! The Bachelor has made it to its 13th season. Let’s hope, for Jason Mesnick’s sake, that 13 is a lucky number.
Now, before I get started with my recap, I have to explain to y’all that I took a trip to the ophthalmologist this morning, and my eyes are still dilated. So, my judgment regarding the attractiveness levels of the Mrs. Mesnick Wannabes might be questionable.
Alrighty then. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll remember that Jason was a contender but ultimately a loser in the quest for the hand of the lovely DeAnna Pappas on The Bachelorette (after she herself got rejected by Brad Womack on a previous season of The Bachelor). But, he’s a resilient one, that Jason. They’re bred like that in the Pacific Northwest, and he’s back to look for another woman. Because, you see, now he knows he can love again.
Oh yay, there are establishing shots of Seattle and the famous fish throwing at Pike Place Market. The show, however, is being filmed in Los Angeles. Jason has brought his little boy, Ty, along too. Jason’s brother Larry is also there to play babysitter. I’m distracted by all the shirtless shots of Jason doing pull-ups and push-ups. I wonder if he always looked like that, or if ABC made him beef up before the show. Whatever the case may be, he’s a pretty hot FILF.
There are 25 lovely ladies getting ready to meet Jason. They are all homogeneously attractive and indistinct as of yet. So far, I’m rooting for the Canadian restaurant designer, Jillian, because she’s Canadian. Plus, she’s from Vancouver, which is just about the coolest city in North America and just a hop, skip and a jump away from Seattle. I also like the dental hygienist because I too am a “tooth Nazi.” Go flossing! Uh oh, Nikki is a pageant girl. Stay away, Jason!
There are three single moms in the running for Jason’s affections. I wonder if they’ll have the kids meet too, which I would totally want to see. Kids are so unpredictable, and they might not hit it off with Ty. Then we could have, like a Supernanny–Bachelor crossover event.
Time for everyone to meet. The ladies, dressed to the nines, pile into a limo to meet their Prince Charming. Ty gives his dad a thumbs-up before he gets into his limo. Now, it might just be my dilated pupils, but Ty isn’t that cute, is he? So sad, for such a young tyke.
The first limo o’ bimbos rolls up as Jason watches nervously. The first one to emerge is Lauren, who is wearing a satin leopard print number and who desperately needs some support in the décolleté area, if you know what I mean. It’s kind of excruciating to watch these first introductions. The women are all desperately trying to make good impressions, and all Jason seems to do is repeat the last two words of everyone’s sentences. (As in, Contestant: “I’m from Michigan.” Jason: “From Michigan!”) It must be awfully surreal to go on a blind date on national television. Do people really hug and kiss this much when meeting someone for the first time? I certainly don’t. Uh oh, Jillian the Canadian is wearing an unfortunate body-hugging bronze sheath dress. She better step up her game.
After the (interminable) first introductions, Jason joins the 25 women inside. He gets one First Impression Rose to give to the woman who really blows him away. Shannon the dental hygienist shows off that she knows tons and tons of little details about him, which makes him kind of nervous. Dominique makes small talk about bunions and hammer toes. Quelle romance! Kari reads him some bad original poetry, and Jillian and some gal pals cook hot dogs in the kitchen. Jillian has a theory about what one’s choice of hot dog topping says about one’s character. (He chooses mustard, which means that he’s someone you want to settle down with.)
Chris Harrison interrupts the event with the First Impression Rose. Nikki certainly makes a good impression with her breasts busting out of her dress. Raquel, who is from Brazil, steals him away to teach him how to dance, but then Molly cuts in. But then, snap, Raquel’s back again because she wasn’t done with him. Stephanie shares her sob story about losing her husband when her daughter was just 10 months old. Lauren, a seventh grade government teacher, gives Jason a pop quiz on the three branches of government. He gets up to get something for her, and everyone thinks that he’s going after the First Impression Rose, but he really goes to get her a slice of cake because it’s her birthday.
Once again, Chris Harrison interrupts to tell them a big twist. He has a lovely assistant bring in a box. It’s a ballot box. Each of the contenders must place one name inside the box, and the woman who gets the most votes will have to leave. The girls freak out having to vote, and much drama ensues. Apparently, lots of people are voting Melissa off the island. Other women vote for Megan as punishment for leaving her 14-month-old child at home.
It’s time for the First Impression Rose! He pulls Nikki aside and offers her the rose. She’s the one with the super-duper low-cut dress. But, I should give Jason the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he likes her personality too.
It’s now time to find out who gets voted off. Chris comes in to say that Jackie got the third most votes, Erica got the second most votes and, by far, the woman who received the most votes was Megan. But there’s another twist: Megan will be leaving tonight, but she will be leaving with a rose (and therefore, not eliminated). She swears at the girls who stabbed her in the back. It is on, bitches! Way to be classy, Megan. In her confessional interview, she breaks down in tears because she is so obviously disliked by her competitors. The first tears of the season!
The Bachelor Rose Ceremony:
Nikki and Megan both already have roses. They are safe. A total of fifteen women will make it past tonight’s Bachelor episode, which means that we must bid adieu to 10 of them.
Jason gives roses to: Lauren, Kari, Naomi, Natalie, Molly, Raquel, Stephanie, Melissa, Jillian, Shannon, Lisa, Sharon and Erica.
(Oh gawd, the one with the vision boards whines that she should have gotten a rose because she made her board or whatever.)
P.S. The rest of the season looks interesting. DeAnna comes back to grovel a bit and shake things up with the other ladies. Can’t wait for that.
-Debbie Chang, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of ABC)