It’s been a long wait, but now Supernatural fans can once again get their fill of those dashing Winchester brothers. The show returns tonight to finish out the season with four brand new episodes. In a show of support from the network that rivals the decision not to air reruns after these four weeks, the CW is bringing the show back against the fourth season premiere of Lost.
But for now, let’s try to put visions of polar bears out of our heads to focus on tonight’s Supernatural episode, “Malleus Maleficarum,” which I believe is an incantation used by the Death Eaters to restore Voldemort’s power. Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking the exact same thing.
A couple gets home from a swanky party. The wife goes to brush her teeth before they make whoopie. Next we see some crazy woman speaking in tongues while spilling her blood onto a toothbrush. It’s the same toothbrush the wife is using, and then her teeth start falling out. She coughs up blood and teeth into the sink before finally dying. The writers on this show are some sick and twisted mofos.
The next day, the suited Winchester brothers are investigating. While Dean (Jensen Ackles) is talking to the husband, Sam (Jared Padalecki) finds a hex bag under the sink. Dean is upset, because he hates old, warty witches.
Some local woman is into some nasty stuff, baking some meat with maggots and then spilling her own blood on it. That night, we see the original dead woman’s husband chowing down on a Witch Meat Burrito. The Winchesters show up and quickly burn up the hex bag in the car to save his life. The husband admits to having an affair, after which we see the Witchy Woman, thumbing through her book of hexes. Then cuts appear on her arms and she falls down dead. I miss the fun-loving, snarky Supernatural.
The Winchesters bust in to find the dead Witchy Woman. Dean is shocked by a dead hanging rabbit Witchy Woman used for the hex bag. He’s angry at the unnecessary violence against bunnies. I believe Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Anya would beg to differ.
Later that night, the Witchy Woman’s book club members gather, and it quickly becomes apparent that the only “book” in this club is the Book of the Dead. Desperate Housewitches!
The Winchesters interrogate one book club member, and they’re posing as Agents Bachman and Turner. Hilarious. The other Desperate Housewitches show up to stare ominously at the boys.
During their next car ride conversation, the Winchesters unravel the whole conspiracy, that all the book club members are witches. Sam thinks they have to kill them because they’re murderers, even though they’re technically humans. Dean is momentarily concerned, but then he’s all too eager to kill some witches.
The car stops, and Ruby (Katie Cassidy) is standing there. She orders Sam to leave town, because the Desperate Housewitches serve a demon master who wants to take down Sam. Dean wants none of the demon Ruby and pulls a gun on her, hurling insult after insult. She flees, and Sam and Dean have a huge fight about whether Ruby is helpful or an evil demon.
Dean calls Sam on the fact that his younger brother is suddenly more willing to kill people, not acting like himself. Sam comes clean that this sudden change is because he needs to prepare for fighting demons after Dean is gone, so Sam is trying to be more like his big brother. Aww.
The tender moment is short-lived when Dean starts to get sick like knives are cutting his insides. He’s coughing up blood as Sam looks for the hex bag. When he finds nothing, Sam leaves. He busts in on the Desperate Housewitches, gun blazing. After some threats, he pinpoints the ring leader and fires. But she stops the bullet in mid-air, then tells Sam he’s in trouble.
Back at the room, Ruby walks in and squirts a liquid into Dean’s mouth. His life is saved, and Dean thought the stuff tasted like ass. She tells him what it was, and calls him “short bus.” Funny. As she leaves, Dean responds, “You’re the short bus.” I absolutely love it when Dean says something hilariously stupid.
Sam is being flung against a wall by the Queen Witch, who kills a fellow Desperate Housewitch. Queen Witch is kind of funny, referencing Survivor and The Secret. Queen Witch exposits that there’s a new demon in town who is the new messiah, and since he doesn’t like competition, he wants Sammy dead.
Dean arrives to save his brother, but is also flung against a wall in short order. Ruby walks in, claiming she led the Winchesters there so she could serve the Queen Witch again, as she did in Hell. Ruby tries to stab her, but is stopped by Queen Witch, who remembers that Ruby “always was a lying whore.” A nice little girl fight ensues, in which Ruby gets the crap beat out of her. Apparently centuries ago, Ruby was a human witch who sold her soul to Queen Witch to become a demon.
Queen Witch starts an incantation to kill Ruby, but the last remaining Desperate Housewitch is casting her own spell against the Queen Witch, who in turn snaps the neck of the final Desperate Housewitch. The distraction lasts just long enough for Dean to repeatedly stab Queen Witch to death with Ruby’s dagger..
Back at their motel, Sam is washing up while Dean has a conversation with Ruby outside. He’s surprised to learn that all demons are just humans who went to Hell. She’s reluctant to tell him that, perhaps after centuries, when Dean goes to Hell, he will eventually be turned into a demon too. Then she tells him there’s no way to save him, even though she told Sam she could. Ruby just wants Dean to help her teach Sam how to fight the war on his own.
On the next Supernatural: the boys go dream walking. I wonder if they ever have that dream where you’re taking a test in school in just your underwear.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)