Episode Overview: The girls get interrogated by Bret’s “superfans” to see who’s really worthy. One girl almost leaves, another gets a tattoo, and everyone is hating on Lacey. What else is new?
Within the first minute of tonight’s new episode of Rock of Love, Jes calls Lacey “a conniving b*tch.” Thus begins my unofficial “Number of Times People Rag on Lacey” tally for the night. The challenge is for the girls to meet some of Bret Michaels’ biggest fans and answer questions. Jes is glad outsiders will get to hear Lacey and tell Bret about how Lacey is “a f***ing fruit loop.” That’s two. Sam chimes in with a list a mile long of derogatory adjectives. Three.
Bret introduces the ladies to his three superfans: Amy, Ky and Allison. Sam is intimidated by their uber-hotness. Jes channels Chandler Bing, pondering, “Could there be any more sluts in this house?’ I won’t count that one for my tally, as she could be talking about anyone. The prize is just one solo date. They’re pulled one at a time into an interrogation room.
First is Brandi M., and the superfans grill her on being a stripper. They don’t buy her answers, then notice something is burning. It’s Brandi’s hair from the light above her,and there is a pillar of smoke rising from her head. Is there a new Pope already? Brandi eventually realizes it and moves away. Sam is also annoyed at these obnoxious superfans drilling her. They ask her to fake an orgasm for them, which Sam refuses, saying she doesn’t fake it. They say she lacks confidence,Sam claims she has nothing to prove to them. After leaving, Sam cries and breaks down.
Jes comes in, and after determining she knows nothing about Poison and mocking her tiny breasts, they ask her to show off her kissing prowess by making out with Ky. She does, despite protesting in her confessional, and Ky’s verdict is that Jes is into lip biting. They ask about the other girls, and Jes informs them about “the conniving, malicious crackhead Lacey.” Four.
Heather, naturally, gets more of the third degree about her being a stripper. She questions why she’s being judged, which is funny because it’s a competition show, and how else is Bret supposed to pick the winner, by drawing straws? Heather proceeds to talk about how hot the superfans are, how she’d sleep with them, and how she wants to get a tattoo of Bet’s name on the back of her neck. She says, “I think these crazy b*tches like me.” Birds of a feather.
As with everything in this house, Lacey views the interrogation as war and refuses to let these girls get to her. Lacey claims she’s stable, then admits to seeing a therapist and being on medication. She doesn’t see herself as “crazy and volatile,” then we get a flashback to when she dragged Jes into the pool.
Afterwards, all the girls have some quality time, and it turns out, according to Jes, that the superfans are really cool. Sam leaves early, and has a personal crisis, saying how she’s quitting and going home. Jes tries to talk her off the ledge, because if she goes “who the hell am I gonna talk to, Lacey?” I’ll count that as five.
Bret chats with the superfans for judgment. They think Brandi is stiff, Jes rocks, Heather is the greatest (but needy) and Sam is an awesome person, but not emotionally stable enough to date Bret. All three superfans hate Lacey and think she’s completely wrong for Bret, but he still tries to rationalize his obsession with her. Even though they’re not technically contestants, I’ll count it as six. They pick Heather, and on their solo date, Bret calls her on the tattoo issue. Is getting the name of a dude you’re trying to bang on a reality show really the best idea, especially when you’ve been drinking pretty much nonstop the entire time?
The girls back home are having fun, and Jes takes the chance to bash Lacey nonstop. “I really like Bret’s fan. They’re a lot of fun, and they hate Lacey.” Seven. Lacey gets hurt that, for the first time, she’s losing control of the house. Inside, two of the superfans are just trying to find refuge from the annoying she-wolf that is Lacey. Eight. The ladies stage an intervention to convince Sam to stay, and Lacey goes along with it, but only so she’ll look good in front of the superfans. Because “selfless” is not in her vocabulary. The superfans call out their bottom two, and it’s Brandi and Lacey. I love the superfans, because they got it exactly right.
At the tattoo parlor, Heather is scared out of her mind, as well she should be. Luckily (or unfortunately) for her, she seems sloshed out of her mind, even staggering around the parlor with a cocktail in her hand. It actually happens, and Bret keeps talking about how erotic the pain is. I wonder if that goes doubly for emotional pain, as in when Heather gets kicked off Rock of Love and is stuck with that tattoo.
Brandi and Lacey are defending themselves to the superfans. Brandi says Lacey’s heart isn’t in it, even though she’s sitting right next to her. That’s cold, and I’m going with nine. Jes talks Sam into staying. “Thank God the fans hate Lacey, because now Sam wants to stay.” Not exactly as insulting as most, but my verdict is that we’ve entered double digits on the “Ragging on Lacey” tally. Ten!
Lacey struggles to show the superfans that she has a heart. She turns on the water works, and Jes goes to town mocking Lacey’s attempt to be sincere with fake crying so hysterical Jes can’t get through it without laughing. Eleven. Heather returns to show off her new tattoo, and Jes gives voice to reason and goes off on what a dumb b*tch Heather is for getting Bret’s name tattooed on the back of her neck.
Bret sits down with his superfans, who tell him to get rid of Lacey, no question. Bret seems more incredulous at this than he should be. Despite the fact that all the other girls in the house hate Lacey, and these superfans who just showed up immediately hate her as well, he obviously still wants to keep her. Honestly, at this point, he kind of deserves her.
Rock of Love Elimination Time! Jes “hopes to God that Lacey’s going home.” Good enough for 12 from me. Lacey seems more angry that the other girls won than she is worried about possibly going home. It’s down to Sam and Lacey. Will Bret listen to the superfans, or his penis? Lacey is staying, which tells us all we need to know about Bret and the negligible influence of his superfans. They demanded Sam get another chance and demanded Lacey go home, so Bret goes the opposite way. Jes goes off: 13. Sam says she’ll try to remain friends with him, and Bret seems upset because he was hoping they’d be more. Wait, he’s eliminating her, but still trying to get some action? Classy. They suck face for about an hour, and it’s obvious that Bret (or at least his penis) is instantly regretting the decision.
Brandi mocks Lacey’s crocodile tears, which makes the grand total of times people talked smack about Lacey 14! I was expecting higher. Lacey ends the episode with one last comment to make us hate her even more “It’s amazing what a few tears will do.
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)