Taylor went so nuts the last episode, I almost forgot about this whole Las Vegas thing. But we have to deal with it now. Do you want to win a Kooba bag, though? Click here to take the quiz about this episode, and you’ll be entered to win. This bag is super cute, I want it, and there are only three questions for the quiz. If you already entered through watching RHOA, you can have a second entry with this quiz!

Before Vegas, more Taylor stuff. Taylor and Lisa meet for lunch at Villa Blanca and Taylor is clearly hung over. She’s not wearing much (any?) makeup, she ordered a pizza for herself, and she’s making excuses.

Also, she’s calling Lisa “Lise” and acting like they’re best buddies. Taylor defends her behavior, because she doesn’t remember most of it, or so she claims. She does remember that D.D. was pretty volatile, and Kyle did the splits. But when is Kyle not doing the splits.

Kyle won’t be going to Vegas for whatever reason, so Pandora invited Taylor to the bachelorette party. Adrienne invited Camille, Brandi, and Dana-Pam for a girls’ trip to the Palms–AH! what do you know! The same weekend! It will truly be a B-List outing. But if this is a third Kim-less episode in a row I, too, will be crawling on a table scream-crying.

Camille, D.D., and Brandi meet at Camille’s to discuss the party and how poorly it went. D.D. is really into trapeze dresses, isn’t she. Anyway, they decided that everyone else is the enemy and they are so excited to go to Vegas.

Adrienne and Paul are doing a talk show segment on being healthy and fit while being busy. Oh god, if Paul Nassif tells me to wear a pedometer I will rend my garments! They bicker in the car, and bickered backstage. Then they told us to eat properly and get up early to work out. But what if I HATE getting up early? And what if we don’t have a personal chef? Forget this segment, I’m done with it.

Kyle and Faye go to the chandelier store (what? yay!) to meet Glenn, my favorite Beverly Hills party planner. Sorry Kevin Lee, but you have nothing on Glenn. Kyle is planning her annual White Party and has an upcoming photo shoot for her book, so she can’t go to Vegas. UGHHHHHHH oh god, enough with the books, though.

When choosing a chandelier for the cabana (something I will never, ever do in my life), they drop a $750 chandelier. But it would have been great for the cabana! And so it shall be.

Pandora is trying on wedding dresses. Wouldn’t you love to go wedding dress shopping with Lisa Vanderpump? Oh my god it would be amazing. And look at Giggy’s little onesie! Everything’s the best. Pandora tries on lots of over-the-top dresses that look more like a cake Kevin Lee already ordered for his wedding than a dress.

Time to party at the Palms with Adrienne and her sloppy-looking brother. Camille and the other non-Housewives keep talking about how amazing everything is and what a great time they’re having. Whatever makes you feel better about not being at Planet Hollywood, RIGHT?

Who do you think will be the first one to reference The Hangover? I bet it’s Dana. Surprise, surprise, Kim couldn’t make it because she had to move the tables and she pulled her neck and now she can’t move and she wanted to do it herself and now she’s on a fourth medication for the pain.

Meanwhile, at Planet Hollywood, the bachelorette party pulls up in the Planet Hollywood limo and they are escorted to their Planet Hollywood room before they see the Planet Hollywood Chippendales. Planet Hollywood! It’s also sort of Taylor’s birthday, so let’s not let Lisa’s ego have too much stroking!

They’re shooting photos for the cover of Kyle’s book. What is the book about? Oh, just things and things. Fashion tips, beauty secrets, memoir, whatever. Kyle wanted Kim to be there for whatever reason (moral support?) but Kim isn’t answering her phone. Kim won’t get to see Kyle lounging in an evening gown, on a table stocked with paper plates of goldfish crackers. Huh?

The bachelorette party dinner was boring. Lisa did manage to make it about her, while insisting that it be about Pandora, which is why you don’t invite your reality star mother to your bachelorette party. Meanwhile, Adrienne shows off that G.D. bowling alley in the hotel room, and Dana marvels at what great service they get when they’re with Adrienne.

“So check this out,” Dana begins, “125 carats of perfect diamonds! It unlocks and inside is the lollipop!” Dana’s necklace was the most inane waste of money I have ever seen. Never change, Dana. The same goes for you, Brandi, whose nipples we can still see. Camille thinks Brandi “has a future with this group of girls,” despite being even better suited for the E! Network.

Pandora had a cheap birthday crown for Taylor, and a tiara for Lisa, who protests to the attention, but continues to bring it back to her. They go to the Chippendales show, and I just don’t understand the appeal of this whole thing. It’s not sexy, it’s just weird. I guess it could be fun in a gross way? Taylor LOVED it.

Camille and Brandi were grinding at the nightclub, but what girl on this show isn’t in love with Camille? I might be a little bit this season.

Then they had this contest for who can give the best lapdance to a Chippendale or whatever and it was so stupid and pedestrian and not why I watch this show. Planet Hollywood indeed.

Kyle and Estella went shopping for the White Party, and Kyle’s kids went to get their nails done. Just after forcing Estella into a hideous white dress, Kyle came upon Kim next door at the shoe store. Kim was acting WEIRD, though, immediately saying she didn’t want to talk to Estella. I wouldn’t want to be seen in double denim in front of Estella, either.

So Kim was her usual frosty, awkward self in front of Estella, then pulled Kyle aside for a meltdown. Kim is having a hard time with the move. She does not like being away from her kids, who are her best friends. The kids don’t like anyone Kim dates, because boy does she know how to pick ’em.

Kyle tells Kim how thin she looks (in a bad way), and Kim breaks down. Kim says she’s not eating a lot, and Kyle sees Ken as a bad influence. Girlfriend is a mess. She’s talking about losing her kids because she picked Ken, and it seems like she’s doubting her choice. So Kim had a complete breakdown, and next week it is going down at the White Party.

Don’t forget to take the quiz to win a gorgeous bag! Click here for details and info, and click here to take the quiz about this episode!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).