The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are preparing for Pandora’s engagement party, which is on a Tuesday. Who has parties on Tuesdays?! (said the lame old lady, clutching her bathrobe). But here in Beverly Hills we have parties on Tuesdays, spas in our homes, and we don’t swear or put hand soap on our chickens.

Lisa wants to invite Taylor to the party, but the host, Muhamed and Taylor’s husband, Russell had a falling out. Another season, another Kennedy’s birthday party. Yay! Taylor and Dana are going cake shopping for this year’s party, which is ranch-themed. The cake needs to feed 200. The actual cake, that is, and the show cake costs $2,000. Yes. You know who I like? This cake lady.

Kyle’s mother-in-law wants a facelift and she’s excited about it. Kyle’s going with her, and Adrienne’s husband, Paul is doing the surgery. AHHHH oh my god so scary. This is a good Halloween episode, I guess. During the surgery, Paul called his close personal friend, Mark Wahlberg

After the surgery, Kyle couldn’t look and I don’t blame her. It was some terrifying Twilight Zone sh*t. Kyle kind of freaked out and cried.

And now, the first scene this series at Taylor’s house. She’s having Kyle and Mauricio over for a dinner that her chef is preparing. This must be an important scene, because they’re letting us see Russell! Kyle notes in an interview that Taylor tells them things that make them not like Russell but in person he’s kind and polite. Such a Lifetime Original Movie.

Russell brings up what the tabloids are saying about them at dinner, and it’s awkward. Then Russell implicates Lisa, which makes dinner even more awkward. Russell casually mentions that he’ll file a lawsuit against the magazine and they’ll give up their source, who they can then sue. He’s a fun guy.

Thank god there’s a party to alleviate this awkwardness. As Lisa’s getting ready for the party, Kim calls (of course!) to cancel. Kim tells her she’s moving out of her house on Saturday, then Lisa asks her to come for a drink. Oops, maybe. It just won’t be a party without Kim!

Lisa gives Pandora a necklace made from a diamond bracelet she had when she was pregnant with her. It was really sweet. Then Ken gave his future son-in-law a watch. The necklace will settle nicely in Pandora’s cleavage.

Fancy rich people party time! With swans! And a surprise camel! Hahahaha Mohamed’s fiance, amiright? She is young and scary. Taylor gets out and is terrified of the snakes wrapped around the dancing girls, and also the camel. She is just going to be scared of everything tonight.

Martin, Kim’s blind date once upon a time, shows up with some hot young piece. But that’s OK because Kim has that secret boyfriend we’re going to learn about later.

Then the best thing happened! THere was some crazy lady by the pool trying to convince Camille and Mohamed’s fiance that she was a mermaid.

“Wow, she’s really flapping around,” Camille remarked, before leaving as quickly as possible.

Taylor and Lisa made nice, because Taylor knows it’s not the right time or place to talk about tabloid hearsay. Oh, and Russell’s not at the party because he’s traveling anyway.

Time for dancing in one of Mohamed’s many rooms! He put a tent in the ballroom and then a dancer slid down the bannister and Camille and Taylor played the drums all crappy and ahhhh it’s too much. More mermaid! Then they met this weird scary lady who calls her husband Daddy and they don’t have kids!

Kim’s boyfriend! Kim stutters that she’s not … keeping … a secret … anymore! Then we saw her boyfriend, Ken, who is ahh … what to say. He is kind of troll-like? I’m freaking out. What will the sisters say?! Does Kim know what he looks like? Where did she find him? Oh my god, I have all these questions and not enough answers.

Here’s where she found him: standing at the mailbox. His mailbox? We don’t know. He was just standing there. Oh my god.

Surrounded by friends and contortionists (plus the mermaid!), Lisa thanks everyone for coming. And then there was an acrobatic show, which Kyle jumped in on. She did the splits on the table. Who knew?! Then Dave Navarro seduced Kyle on the table, and Taylor may have shown her cooter, and everyone just had a good time. A Brandi-free episode!

But oh my god, Kim’s boyfriend.

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).