Weeks ago, we witnessed the horror of Kyle’s White Party. They had to tell the Armstrongs to leave, and yet Kyle managed to make it about her. It is HER party, after all. So the Armstrongs closed the door on their limo, and Russell stares into the distance like the sociopath we all now know him to be. He threatens to fly Taylor back to Vegas, and she looks less than thrilled.

But let’s get to the real issue at hand. Who is this Dwight person, besides “Taylor’s best friend,” according to the caption? And why is Dana involved in all this, just jumping on board this whole conversation in her t-shirt dress that is too tight?

“It was an exaggeration,” Taylor tells Russell, who agrees, then tacks on, “it was an out and out lie.” Taylor admits in an interview that it was not a lie. Ewwww, this show has seen some really awkward limo rides, but this one might take the cake.

Dana jumps into the conversation: “if my girl said it, then it happened,” and Camille tries to silence her with body language. The white party continues on, at Kyle’s orders (“I’ve put too much effort into this party not to enjoy it.”)

“Were you crying before?” asks a friend in some hideous maribou dress. I couldn’t see who because some dude’s giant head was in the way. A terrible shot, saved by Mauricio’s hotness, as he pulled Kyle away to dance to the mariachi band playing “The Mexican Hat Dance” to underscore all this rich drama. Why the mariachi band? Don’t think about it, just let it wash over you. Kyle was happily distracted, with the promise of more attention directed toward her.

Kim has been occupied this whole time, probably just layering on more jewelry, and gets the scoop from Lisa, then Dana, who says, “a legal matter I don’t know about!” and the two under-dressed women hug and cackle with delight. The mariachi band has disappeared, and the blonde DJ is back to spinning. Kim does the chicken dance as Ken eyes her from the sidelines, picking his teeth. Then he joins her for a full on makeout sesh on the dance floor and it is terrible.

GIGGY IS READY TO GO TO HAWAII!! But he can’t go! Nawwwww! Speaking of people who can’t go to Hawaii, Taylor and Russell. Brandi, however, IS invited, so that can only go well! You don’t need to bring any bras to the islands, or the airport. And Kim’s Ken is going! The whole motley crew.

Kim doesn’t show to the airport 45 minutes before the flight. Apparently her alarm didn’t go off or the power was off or she had to dry her hair, god whatever. Expired driver’s license, can’t find her passport. Kim told her she had renewed her license, but she lied. We have HAD IT with Kim. Brandi, who thinks Kim should “just stay home,” looks pleased. But it wouldn’t be a great party or trip without Kim!

Taylor meets with that awful therapist, one-on-one, to tell him about the secret lawsuit-threatening email. “Don’t you find that odd that you didn’t communicate about this at all?” asks Dr. Charles, making Taylor realize, finally, without Russell, that Russell is actually terrible and possibly a sociopath.

Dr. Charles slyly allows Taylor to see that she should ask for a divorce. This from a man who can’t find a pair of decent socks.

Everyone gets on the plane and toasts some fancy champagne drink. HA-HA it is wonderful to be rich. Kim calls, and she is on “the next flight.” Paul is also on the 6:00 flight, but whether Kim will be on that one with him remains to be seen. Hahaha, Paul and Kim on the flight together. Adrienne assures us that Paul will hate it. Maybe Kim and Ken will just mash their faces together the whole time.

After discussing how exasperating Kim is, all the rich people got off their fancy plane and got on another one that was not fancy at all, much to their chagrin. Brandi took a Xanax and some alcohol, so she was at Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids-level messed up. Girl is a white hot mess. Someone had to replace Kim for the trip.

Surprisingly, no one made any jokes about “getting lei’d.” I guess they just go to Hawaii so often that the novelty has worn off. Everyone gets into their maxi dresses except for Lisa, who always looks exquisite and shows off her bangin’ body. Brandi jokingly leans on Ken (Lisa’s Ken), and Ken doesn’t put up much of a fight. Brandi’s boobs are popping out, though, what’s a guy to do? But come on, given the choice between Lisa and Brandi, wouldn’t you choose Lisa every time?

Paul arrives at the hotel, sans Kim and Ken. He greets Adrienne whose extensions, I’m sorry, look terrible. Especially with that visor. But Kim was on the flight with him, apparently. He tells Adrienne that she disappeared into the bathroom for a while, and he hopes she catches the second flight. Adrienne has a feeling that she will not. Maybe she will end up stranded in Honolulu, looking for the hotel.

Camille tells Brandi that it’s so good to get away. She needed a break. From WHAT? From tanning in Beverly Hills all day? Anyway, Camille and Brandi strip down to hardly anything and heels, and tan themselves. Brandi doesn’t have her boot! Gotta tan that one leg. Lisa and Ken arrive, and remark on Brandi’s barely-there macrame bikini. Poor Ken, it’s impossible to chat with them and not see all that skin.

They move to a second location: the beach. Kyle and Mauricio are there, and Kyle is still stuck on this Kim thing. It is pretty unbelievable that Kim hasn’t arrived yet.

Taylor calls Lisa and Kyle. She asks them if they’re having fun, then tells them, “my marriage is over.” BUZZ KILL. She tearfully tells them her story, and Lisa and Kyle tell her that it’s for the best. Taylor says she feels so at peace, and wishes they were there. They don’t, though, because they are on the beach in Hawaii. Everyone feels relieved.

Just one last quick thing based on a few clips from this and next week’s episode: why does Kim keep calling Mauricio “Maurice”? Does she know that’s not his name? It looks like next week she’s showing up in Hawaii! Yay!

(images courtesy of Bravo)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).