It’s almost New Year’s Eve, which means you were going to hit up the liquor store or wine aisle this weekend anyway, right? Right. Well, don’t forget to stock up for Monday night, too: The sixteenth (!) season of The Bachelor premieres at 8pm on ABC, and I know that Chris Harrison and I say this every season, but this one is a real doozy. And every good Bachelor fan knows that to fully enjoy this real doozy, you must get real boozy.

Despite winemaker Ben Flajnik’s efforts to wash his colorless conversation skills and general lack of enthusiasm over everything, the group of 25 shiny, buffed reality-Barbies chosen for him are just as needy, cloying, desperate and jealous as ever (maybe more!) and the forms that their insecurities and personality issues take during the premiere are truly magnificent and horrifying. It seems that ABC anticipated that Ben wouldn’t be able to captain the S.S. Bachelor with much excitement of his own, so they filled the hatch with beautiful monsters, locked the door and pushed him out to sea. Like Odysseus, if he realized the Sirens were in the boat the whole time. Bon voyage, Ben! Scurvy should be the least of your concerns in this deteriorating metaphor.

But I digress. As it’s my favorite tradition every season, here’s your Bachelor Premiere Drinking Game, specially constructed just for this extra-special episode (so it contains hints at what’s to come in the episode!), which I have seen and relished and cannot wait to relish with you again on Monday, when I post my recap. Until then, read, drink and be snarky. Happy New Year, and Happy Bachelor Eve!

Drink every time…

  • Ben talks about how excited/thrilled/positive-adjective he is, while appearing the opposite.
  • Somebody says “horse.” Drink twice: If it really sounds like “whores.”
  • You see a big, dumb hat.
  • You hear an accent. Drink twice: If it’s fake.
  • Someone describes Ben as “hot,” “beautiful” or “sexy.” Drink twice: If they immediately cut to a shot of him looking dopey or normal.
  • A woman cries. Drink twice: If she talks about how she won’t/shouldn’t cry.
  • A woman looks like she might kiss another woman.
  • A woman smiles or laughs while saying something rude or malicious.
  • Ben makes a sarcastic comment to no one in particular.
  • Someone raps.
  • Someone says “journey,” “process” or “married.”

That oughta do it. Remember, do the opposite of the people on this show, and always drink and watch responsibly. If you don’t want to take a drink each time, eating a cookie or poking one of your exes on Facebook works, too.

See you back here after the Bachelor premiere (Monday, January 2, 8pm, ABC, LOLs) — until then, why not check out these sneak peeks of the episode?

(Image courtesy of ABC)

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.