Remember the movie The Ring? And its tagline, “Before You Die, You See The Ring?” (Why are you looking at me like that? It only came out in 2002. This is totally topical. Stay with me.)
Well, sorry Naomi Watts’ character in The Ring, but you’re wrong. Because THIS is what you see before you die.
Behold, Real Housewives of New Jersey resident head loon Danielle Staub performing her new single, “Real Close,” live before a trapped and tortured studio audience, backed by a gang of clueless meathead stripper clowns. It is literally impossible to decide what part of this video is the best/worst. Even so, after the video, I will try to name them all.
But first, see if you can get all the way through the performance. I dare you. (And I promise you won’t die. Except a few of your brain cells.)
Quick! What are all the worst/best things about this video? Here are my favorites:
1. The cover of her single in which she clutches Lori Michaels to her breast.
2. That twirly move two of the meatheads did in the beginning.
3. The whispery, tone deaf, non-singing way in which she pronounces even the most basic, monosyllabic elements of her own lyrics.
4. “Danielle’s Mafia.”
5. That little “Ring Around the Real Housewife” dance interlude.
6. Self-satisfied Botox face.
7. Goon #2’s headband.
8. Goon #3’s “Oh NO, girlfriend!” twist ‘n’ snap.
9. When Lori Michaels shows up and can sing better but it still somehow gets worse, possibly because now that there are two of them dressed and moving alike, it’s like we’re watching the rejected audition tape for an aspiring girl group called “Cougarz.”
What about yours?
(Video from Zap2It, Image courtesy on New York’s PIX 11)