Previously on Lost: Juliet, Kate and Sawyer conspired to save Young Ben’s life by taking him to the Hostiles while Miles and Hurley engaged in hilarious time travel speculation.

Tonight’s episode of Lost pleases me not only because it’s the first Miles-centric episode of the series, but because the title is a pun, and I love puns. It combines the brilliant Marilyn Monroe film with a Star Wars reference. Will Miles and Hurley dress up like women before taking shelter in the carcass of a tauntaun?

There’s no “previously on” package, we just go straight into an Asian woman renting an apartment with her cute little son. The woman looks an awful lot like Dr. Chang’s wife as seen in the opening scene from this season. And if you think I’m just being a racist and saying all Asian women look alike, she’s played by the same actress, so sorry to spoil the big reveal, but as you probably guessed a long time ago, Miles is totally Dr. Chang’s son.

She pays the landlord and tells him how her husband is out of the picture. Young Miles takes a tour of the dilapidated apartment complex. He hears something and walks into a room with a dead man. He screams until his mom shows up and Young Miles tells her the dead man is still talking to him. That one scene is infinitely better than the entire movie The Sixth Sense, but maybe I’m just saying that because I hate M. Night Shyamalan.

Back on the Island, Kate and Sawyer call up Miles and tell him to erase the tape of them taking Young Ben out to the Hostiles. He tries, but gets interrupted by Horace who has a super secret mission for Miles that’s part of his Circle of Trust. Lamest secret society name ever. Horace asks him to take a bag out to Radzinsky in a remote location that’s Hostile territory, literally.

Miles does and he learns the bag is actually a body bag for…well, a body. Radzinsky has two cronies drag out a dead body and tells Miles to take it back to Horace. He won’t tell Miles what happened to him, but that’s kind of a moot point since Miles can talk to dead people.

A flashback sees a college-aged punk Miles visiting his dying mother. Punk Miles has facial piercings and bad hair, so you know he’s a rebel. I bet he shoplifts from Hot Topic. His mother won’t tell him anything about his father other than that he’s dead and someplace Miles will never find him. I think we all know that’s not true.

In 1977, Miles returns to Horace and gets further instructions to take the body to his dad (oops, sorry, we’re still not supposed to know that yet, so it’s actually just Dr. Pierre Chang) at the Orchid. Unfortunately, Hurley has already commandeered Miles’ van for his own mission to the Orchid bringing some ham and cheese sandwiches with his special garlic mayonnaise. I liked the ham and waffles with various dipping sauces, but that does not sound good. Now if he replaced the garlic mayo with some baconnaise, that would be delicious.

Because Hurley is stubborn and refuses to give up, Miles agrees to go on a road trip with him. And thus begins Miles and Hurley’s Excellent Adventure. Let the hijinx ensue!

They debate whether car pooling can help prevent global warming as well as farts. This is some real high-brow stuff. There are no farts, just the dead body, which Hurley discovers. He wants to know how he died, and Miles lets him know that he was just digging a ditch when suddenly his filling shot through his skull. Electromagnetism, perhaps?

Hurley promises to keep Miles’ “I talk to dead people” secret because he does it too. Hurley thinks his talking to dead people is cooler than Miles’ because he plays chess with them. The difference is that one of these is a truly paranormal gift and the other is just the hallucinations of a mentally insane person. I’ll let you decide which is which.

Miles and Hurley arrive at the Orchid and Dr. Chang isn’t happy that Hurley tagged along and knows about the body. Hurley calls him a douche, and Miles tells him that the douche is his father. I appreciate that Lost revealed this in the middle of the episode rather than the end, since everyone watching at home surely figured it out well before this point.

Another flashback brings back another dead character: Naomi! She recruits Miles by getting him to read a dead body. The dead man was bringing documents to Charles Widmore proving the Oceanic 815 wreckage was faked. After successfully reading him, Miles says he doesn’t want any part in Naomi;’s special mission until she offers him $1.6 million. Miles is such a whore.

At the Orchid, Hurley only wants to get Miles and his dear old dead dad to bond, but Miles is having none of it because he knows he can’t change the future. He figured it out on their third day there when his mother stood behind him in line at the cafeteria. At least she didn’t hit on him like Marty McFly’s mom did in Back to the Future. Or did she? We find out that baby Miles was born just three months ago, which puts the season opening scene at this point in time.

Hurley and Miles drive Dr. Chang to Radzinsky and Hurley keeps trying to get the father and son to bond. It fails miserably, and when they get to where Radzinsky is, a worker is putting the serial number on a piece of metal: 4815162342. Hurley instantly recognizes this this as the Hatch for the Swan Station.

Another flashback provides the real big twist of the episode. Shortly after accepting Naomi’s offer, Miles is picked up by a dark van. The man inside is Bram, also known as Ilana’s right-hand man who crashed on the Island on Ajira flight 316. He asks Miles the “shadow of the statue” question and reveals that Widmore is a bad man and he’s working against him.

Wow, so Bram and ostensibly Ilana aren’t working for Wudmore as I theorized, but are working for Ben! Even after Bram promises to tell Miles all about his dad, Miles refuses because all he cares about is money. As I said before, Miles is a total whore.

In non-Miles news, Roger Linus returns to the hospital to find that his boy is gone. Juliet and Kate do their best to hide what really happened, but he storms off to tell Horace. Later Kate sits down with Roger and tries to cheer him up, but all she does is make him think she knows more about his missing son than she’s telling him. Leave it to Kate to screw up a perfectly good plan by talking.

Later that night Phil stops by Sawyer’s home to show him that he has the video tape Miles didn’t erase that shows Sawyer as the man who took Young Ben. Sawyer’s only response is to punch him out and ask Juliet to get some rope. That’s always the answer.

Miles gets annoyed with Hurley’s questions about his dad, so he steals Hurley’s diary to see what’s so secret. He reads a few pages of a script that takes place on Hoth. Hurley’s brilliant idea is to write The Empire Strikes Back. That’s as hilarious as it is stupid.

Hurley then uses the story of Luke Skywalker and his inability to communicate with his evil father as something that led to lots of pain and stupid Ewoks to convince Miles to give his dad a second chance. Miles goes to watch his dad read his baby self a story.

Miles starts to cry when his dad gets a call and says that he needs Miles’ help. The son is moved, but composes himself when he learns they’re just picking up some people from the recently arrived submarine. But it’s not new recruits, it’s a group of scientists from Ann Arbor.

At the submarine, Miles helps a scientists out, and it’s none other than Daniel Faraday! Wait, he got off the Island and now he’s coming back? Faraday says hi and that it’s been a long time. It sure has, but thank God Faraday has returned.

Next week on Lost: It’s a stupid clip show. But then in two weeks we get the very special 100th episode of Lost featuring Daniel Faraday that could be the best episode of the season.


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