Tonight’s Jersey Shore kicked off with us getting to relive the awkward, half-hearted slap heard ’round Miami between drunkity-drunk Angelina’s hand and Pauly D’s pretty little face.
As soon as the inventor of the bitch slap, Jenni, steps in, drunk-face backs down and slurs, “I didn’t smack him.”
“I can’t believe she’d step on the only toes she had in the house,” Pauly D reflects in some one-on-one time with the camera. Apparently, she either doesn’t have toes attached to her own feet, or … or … yeah, I got nothing.
The next day, things are all business as the crew heads to the gelato shop to get schooled by Enzo, who Vinny weirdly asks to call him Vincenzo, in the ways of frozen treats. Jenni’s upset that her “girls” can’t breathe in the black T her boss asks them to wear. I say, they’re not the only things not getting enough oxygen.
Later Angelina pretends to have totally blacked out during her drunk smackdown with Pauly D the night before and has no idea what happened.
“You smacked him three times,” Mike tells her.
Fake gasp from Angelina!
“I’m, like, really upset.”
Then Pauly in a weird moment of mature clarity tells Angelina that he accepts her apology, but “we have to go our separate ways.”
“Your fun conflicts with our fun, so do it on your own,” Pauly calmly explains. This guy could totally replace Dr. Phil.
Then we finally learn how Vinny gets that bizarro haircut of his–a “tape up and a fade,” if you will. Apparently his “thick Sicilian hair” can only be cut by someone who “can cut a black person’s hair.”
Back at the house, The Situation gathers the troops to discuss the situation. And for once, it’s not a third-person reference. Essentially, he thinks it’s the girls’ turn to hang out with Angelina.
“She’s not going to go to the gym with us,” he laments. “She’s not going to do a GTL.”
He’s right, ladies. It’s your turn to watch the baby. The big drunk baby. Which could actually be a good description for our friend Ronnie too.
The gang then decides to go out–inviting Angelina who’s moping in bed but after a couple of cocktails at da club, admits to Snooki and Jenni that she talked about them behind their backs. Jenni and Snooki somehow interpret this as an apology, and everyone’s friends.
Ronnie, per usual, turns into Sloppy Joe after double-fisting drinks, curses at Sammi–who flees the club–starts humping some chick, who Snooki tries to keep him away from, and then pushes sweet little Snooki!
Pauly D and The Situation are having none of this getting physical with their little oompa-loompa, and Pauly D literally picks up Ronnie (an unbelievable feat, considering all the, um, vitamins Ronnie must take to maintain his physique) and heads home for the night. Sloppy Joe then slurs his affection for the “fine Cuban girl” he picked up (not as literally) at the club and proceeds to simulate sex with the air in front of The Situation while speaking Spanish, all before slipping into bed with Sammi. Ewwwwwwwww!
Elsewhere, a drunk and hiccuping Snooki calls her boyfriend at 6 in the morning while groping Vinny, who has passed out on the chair by the phone. After falling off the chair and knocking over a table and lamp, Snooki then crawls in bed with Vinny, who promises not to touch her, as she casually asks, “Wanna f***?” to which our newly tape-and-shaped Vinny boredly replies, “Sure.” And … scene.
“Did I bang Snookie last night? Did I do the unthinkable?” If the unthinkable is having sex with a little orange Cleopatra-resembling smurf, then yes, you did.
The next day at the gelato shop, all of Sammi’s dreams come true when her gross dirtbag paramour, Ronnie, tells her she’s his girlfriend!
“Yay! Finally!” Sammi exclaims.
That night, the guys get excited when they realize miracle of all miracles: Their initials spell out MVP! OMG! STFU! WTF! NASA! To celebrate, Pauly puts on his red shoes and shaves Vinny’s neck for him, so MVP can hit the town.
Unfortunately, the rest of Miami didn’t get the red-shoe, shaved-neck memo, and the night starts going downhill when the fellows realize the club is full of grenades and landmines. Apparently, The Situation forgot to take off his grenade blinders, though, as he starts rounding up the masses to head back to the hot tub.
Just add water to bring The Situation back to his senses, though.
“I’m looking at Pauly–we’re in the midst of grenades right now!”
Thankfully, someone’s fake chicken cutlet boob pops out of her bra, and the party comes to a merciful halt after a rousing round of Toss the Boob.
The next evening, to celebrate their official reunion, Sammi tests Ronnie by telling him he can go out, and he does. I’m assuming that’s not the first test he’s ever failed. Especially if he’s been to the clinic lately.
What did you think of tonight’s episode of Jersey Shore? At what minute in the next episode do you think Ronnie and Sam will break up again? (I’ve got dibs on three.)
(Images courtesy of MTV)