For this rumor’s resurgence, as with most things in life, I blame Ryan Seacrest.

This morning on his radio show, Seacrest spoke with ABC honcho Steve McPherson about the possibility that Kate Gosselin might ever be The Bachelorette. He told the Seamonster it was a “great” idea. Then Ryan talked to Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss, who popped his head up from out of his swimming pool full of gold coins long enough to tell Ryan, “I guess it’s kinda interesting. I’ve never thought about it. Seriously, It would have to be a special edition of the Bachelorette. I wouldn’t want to jump the shark.”

Let’s not even get INTO that last part where Mike Fleiss pretends his show hasn’t always lived high up in the TV-air, forever mid-jump of the proverbial shark, but let’s instead get to the meat of the matter: Kate Gosselin will not be The Bachelorette. Ever. These men are just saying things for the sake of saying them, and for the sake of untrue gossip column rumors to pop up with their names inside them, so they can get their self-referential Google Alerts on their iPhones later, and smile. So everyone (including you, MSNBC, who are usually too good to take anything that Life & Style says seriously) just needs to calm down.

(Life & Style quoted an anonymous source as saying that Kate wants a dating show and a man. So I guess I also blame Life & Style. A little bit. But mostly Ryan Seacrest.)

For one thing, back when this “rumor” was just an innocuous interview question from Jimmy Kimmel–who I am fairly confident neither watches nor cares about The Bachelor(ette) because he is A) a man and B) a busy man with better things to do, but he is forced to talk about it by ABC– to Kate Gosselin, probably because Jimmy had run out of interesting ways to ask about how badly she performed on Dancing with the Stars, Kate herself shot it down. Her exact words:

“It’s a little stronger than no. It’s more like neverrrrrr.”

Her TLC rep was forced to confirm this rumor’s falsehood again today: “”The Life & Style info is inaccurate. Kate is working on two shows, Kate Plus 8 and Twist of Kate, and that is all.”

So. There’s no need to speculate. There’s no need for me to incite you into angry comments by saying, “But WHAT IF?” Because it’s not going to happen. As payment for everyone to, once and for all, stop this rumor in its tracks and erase it forever, I offer this bet: if Kate Gosselin EVER becomes The Bachelorette on ABC, I will marry my cat.

And I don’t even own a cat.

But, if Kate Gosselin EVER becomes The Bachelorette, I will buy a cat, and I will name that cat Astronaut Mike Dexter. I will grow to love that cat. I will take that cat on romantic dates around the world, and I will tell it that it is the best cat, above all other cats. And then I will ask for that cat’s paw in marriage, and it will say “Meow,” which I will take to mean “Yes.” And I will put a bow-tie on that cat, and probably a leash, and force it to walk down an aisle and marry me. For real.

But it’s not going to happen. So be thankful, America, and stop talking about it! And be thankful, cute little kitten, who has avoided a lifetime of cleaning up my dishes and being forced to watch The Bachelorette with me.

Meghan Carlson

Senior Writer, BuddyTV

Meghan hails from Walla Walla, WA, the proud home of the world’s best sweet onions and Adam West, the original Batman. An avid grammarian and over-analyzer, you can usually find her thinking too hard about plot devices in favorites like The OfficeIt’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and How I Met Your Mother. In her spare time, Meghan enjoys drawing, shopping, trying to be funny (and often failing), and not understanding the whole Twilight thing. She’s got a BA in English and Studio Art from Whitman College, which makes her a professional arguer, daydreamer, and doodler.