Everything is bigger in Texas, but does that include the talent? The first act up in Houston is a Texas knife-throwing, gun-slinging, Wild West duo. The Rhinestone Ropers were amazing! He threw knives at her, then shot at her, then spun her around and threw knives, and then she shot some targets WHILE SPINNING! Finally, something all three judges can agree on.

Mona Lisa, a twin singing duo killed us softly with their song, then Charles Peachock put on a really cool juggling/light act. The Purrfect Angelz came to “rock this crowd,” and rock the crowd they did. It was all kinds of sexy and strange.

What will America think of Daniel Joseph Baker, who compares himself to Xtina, Nicole Scherzinger, and Lady Gaga? Sharon wasn’t sure what to think, but I say, “WERRRRRK!” Nick Cannon and I were pleasantly surprised that he was awesome. Piers thinks Daniel will be polarizing, but he liked it. He will sashay away to Vegas!

THE TRON GUY! I don’t know if you’re familiar with The Tron Guy, but you should be. He made his own Tron costume, and his own fame. His talent is telling his life story as an internet celebrity, so … he’s a comedian? Howie had him start again twice, which I think was just for Howie’s idea of fun. I feel sad for The Tron Guy.

To turn things around, Sandou Trio Russian Bar will send their star flying high into the air, only to land back on the bar. It was truly exciting. Girl got some AIR! They may not even need airline tickets to Las Vegas, they can just launch her there on the Russian Bar.

Status B.L.A.K. was not good enough for Las Vegas, but at least that one guy fell down at the end of his backflip. The Howie Mandel impressionist/comedian was also bad, but you’re setting yourself up for failure when you aspire to be like Howie. I liked Asian James Brown for entertainment value, but the judges sent him on his way.

Is it Justin Bieber? Nope, it’s a lesbian! Allegedly. Dani Shay played an acoustic cover of “Baby” with parody lyrics. It was adorable. I’m proud of her for grabbing the gimmick by the horns and using it to her advantage. I might have a new favorite in this competition!

A booty-shaking group of showgirls made it through, and then young Tanner Edwards went on stage to shake his very own booty. Maybe it’s just this kid’s southern accent, but Nick Cannon is not bothering me at all this episode. Howie Mandel asked Tanner if he has a girlfriend, and he said yes and the audience went wild. Ok, it was pretty cute when he said, “hhhhhhhhh Abby, I love you?” The dancing was cute and Vegas-worthy, but CJ Dippa and Future Funk have taught us that child acts can only go so far. But for now, the pelvic thrusting to “Boom Boom Pow” was cute and hilarious. I didn’t even mind when Nick danced with him. Did Tanner Edwards just melt my heart?

The most dangerous stunt ever attempted on America’s Got Talent? This I gotta see! Darren Taylor (Professor Splash) will be diving from 26 feet into a children’s wading pool. How does it work, does anyone know? Like, how can he NOT get hurt doing this? Also, is this an act with repeat value? But he did it, and it was scary/amazing (scaremazing!). The judges decide that yes, this is an act, and yes, he’s going to Vegas.

Part Two: Minneapolis

The judges arrive in Minneapolis during a giant blizzard, but throngs of delusional people and a few actually talented ones will not be deterred! Piers gets stuck in the blizzard, so Howie got some attention for that.

ANOTHER talking parrot? Oh, this one sings, though. Season 6: the year of the bird! I don’t know which bird you liked better, but I think Echo could take this one. The audience LOVES when birds pretend to sneeze.

Mrs. Smith is a rock and roll grandma drag queen, and it was all working. The St. Lukes Bottle Band was SO cool, Piers would have loved it (*sniff*). The Halls of Magic folded up a lady, then expanded her again, and they’re all going through.

Oh no, this girl’s fiance died in a tragic accident! Lys Agnes could totally be a breakout star from this show. She’s beautiful, and so is her soaring, operatic voice. Piers would have loved that, too. But I’m sure he’s enjoying not being around Howie, too.

Piers is in a bad mood, which is juxtaposed by footage of Howie enjoying a little stripper. It’s too much!

Will Piers be excited to see Those Funny Little People? They are singing/dancing garden gnome puppets. It’s certainly different. I don’t know how far I see this act going, and grumpy Piers didn’t care for it, but it was definitely the right thing for America’s Got Talent. Howie found it disturbing, but voted yes. A yes from Sharon means Those Funny Little People will be dancing in Vegas. It could be a good act for kids to see.

Gasmask 90 Seconds failed to impress, or do anything I think, except put duct tape on his head and get sprayed by fire extinguishers. Miss Cherries Jubalie pierced herself, and I felt icky. Sid Yiddish did something weird that might have been offensive? Oh, I don’t know.

Can folk musician Walt Winston get approval from Piers? He has a lot of “number one” songs. I’m glad Piers gave him the first X because frankly, it was not great. Keep on piling on the albums, Walt!

We briefly saw a dog, frisbee-catching act practicing in the lobby, and I want to see THAT! But we don’t get to.

Next up, to impress Piers for the first time of the day, it’s Silhouettes. They have an act a lot like the 2009 Oscars had interspersed throughout the program. They’re a silhouette art/dance troupe and I want to see more! They’re so young, too! Piers thought it was one of the best things he’s seen in a long time, and that made some of them cry. My question is, if they’re going to be behind the screen, why put makeup on a 5-year old? I’m OK not worrying about it.

The last contestant of the episode is Tim Ford, The Kinetic King. He creates chain reactions and “explosions.” That is his talent. I love him with his bike helmet and goggles and that towel belted to his crotch. Is this one of my favorite things ever? Yes. Yes, it is. Piers tells Tim he is “weird, but entertaining,” and we will see him again in Las Vegas. The Kinetic King is THE BEST!

You can’t top that, it was too weird and awesome. Next week there will be more auditions, and a lot of kids. Oh boy, kids!

(Image courtesy of NBC)

Carla Patton

Writer, BuddyTV

Originally from Seattle, Carla recently took a husband and moved to Austin, Texas, where she is finally using her television “problem” to her advantage. It’s sort of like Dexter, but boring and less murdering. Carla’s favorite shows include 30 RockThe Amazing RaceProject RunwayModern Family, anything with murder, and pretty much anything gross and weird (CSIThe BachelorToddlers & Tiaras, etc.). Favorite canceled shows include: Arrested DevelopmentVeronica Mars and Average Joe. In her spare time, Carla leads tours of downtown Austin on a Segway (don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!), blogs about Netflix Instant, and visits elementary schools telling children they don’t need math to succeed (just kidding, stay in school, kids).